BREAKING NEWS: Trump quits McDonald’s.
ITEM 1: Hillary admitted she went to Epstein’s Island but only to talk to his girlfriend, not to meet the children.
In the 1970s, she said she only bought Playboy to read the articles.
ITEM 2: The only Playboy article I ever read was the screenplay to Young Frankenstein.
It quoted Hillary when Igor asked, “What hump?”
ITEM 3: Canada’s curling team cheated by touching the stone twice.
Touch it three times and you’re playing with it.
ITEM 4: Palestinian-born Nerdeen Kiswani tweeted, “Finally, NYC is coming to Islam. Dogs definitely have a place in society, just not as indoor pets. Like we’ve said all along, they are unclean.”
Muslims find dogs so disgusting that they moved to a country that has 90 million pet dogs.
ITEM 5: The media and the Pawtucket Police dead-named Roberta Esposito as Robert Dorgan, which makes sense now that he’s dead after murdering his ex-wife and kids at a hockey match.
The media has figured out how to de-trans a trans woman. When he kills someone, Glenda magically becomes Glen again.
ITEM 6: Red State reported, “Rhode Island Transgender Killer’s Son Sits in Prison for Torching Black Church.”
The cashew doesn’t fall far from the tree because Dorgan the trans killer died with his Nazi tattoo on.
ITEM 7: ESPN reported, “Ronda Rousey to fight Gina Carano in return to MMA.”
It’s part of an event promoted by Jake Paul. He needed a star so he serenaded her by singing you gotta help me Ronda, help help me Ronda.
ITEM 8: The New York Times reported, “After First Big Overseas Trip, Ocasio-Cortez Expresses Frustration.
“The congresswoman argued in an interview that presidential speculation, which included scrutiny of her slip-ups, had overshadowed her anti-authoritarian message at the Munich Security Conference.”
Hers was the biggest bombing in Germany by an American in 81 years.
ITEM 9: The Kansas Legislature overrode Governor Laura Kelly’s veto of a bill banning men from women’s bathrooms.
Next legislators plan to adopt the All In The Family theme song as the state’s new motto: Girls are girls and men are men.
ITEM 10: The Hill said, “Air Force One jets to be repainted in Trump’s preferred colors.”
His colors are Red, White and Blue. Obama’s are Red, Black and Green.
ITEM 11: Brick Suit tweeted, “Amber Glenn, U.S. figure skater who criticized America, finishes in 13th place in short program after bailing on planned triple loop.”
She may think she failed, but she made 77 million Trump voters happy.
ITEM 12: PJ Media reported, “Garbage Piles Up in Havana as Trump Says Rubio is Talking to Cuba.”
Rubio must be talking to Mamdani too because garbage is piling up in NYC.
ITEM 13: Town Hall reported, “Bloomberg Reporter Caught Giving Marco Rubio the Finger During Presser With Hungarian PM.”
Mini-Mike Bloomberg will give the guy a raise.
ITEM 14: Lent began this week, but even though he is Jewish, Catholics used the day before Ash Wednesday to honor Gov. J.B. Pritzker.
Fat Tuesday.
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ITEM 15: The United Federation of Teachers endorsed Mamdani. Now he’s raiding their pension fund.
Isn’t that nice? Mamdani’s teaching the teachers about communism.
ITEM 16: Political Polls tweeted, “Harris takes over Trump in the chances to win the 2028 presidential election (Polymarket).”
She also is ahead of Clinton, Bush, Obama and anyone who will be under 35 on January 20, 2029.
ITEM 17:
DEI over actually treating water. Good call, Veolia.
ITEM 18: Stephen Colbert: Trump made CBS refuse to air my interview.
CBS: “THE LATE SHOW was not prohibited by CBS from broadcasting the interview with Rep. James Talarico. The show was provided legal guidance that the broadcast could trigger the FCC equal-time rule for two other candidates, including Rep. Jasmine Crockett, and presented options for how the equal time for other candidates could be fulfilled. THE LATE SHOW decided to present the interview through its YouTube channel with on-air promotion on the broadcast rather than potentially providing the equal-time options.”
Colbert found a way around having to interview a black woman.
ITEM 19: Peter Clack tweeted, “The Sahara Desert of all places has shrunk by about 8% since the 1980s thanks to rising CO₂ levels fueling a remarkable global green renaissance.”
Who knew that greenhouse gases would cause plants to flourish?
But Milton Friedman offered an alternative explanation, “If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there’d be a shortage of sand.”
ITEM 20: The Bears will move from Chicago to Gary, Indiana. But the team cannot keep the name. Since Indiana ranks 8th among U.S. states in coal production, call the team the Gary Coalmen.
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But wait, the actual site is Hammond, Indiana. Call them the Hammond Eggs.
ITEM 21: Deutsche Welle reported, “Venezuela’s National Assembly, on Thursday, unanimously approved a proposed amnesty that could free hundreds of political prisoners jailed for being critical of the government. The bill marks a landmark development for the South American nation that has spent decades denying holding political prisoners.”
Maduro arrested political opponents and sold drugs? Do a DNA test to see if Joe Biden is his father.
ITEM 22: U2 released a song honoring Renee Good, the woman killed while she tried to run over an ICE agent.
U2 should do a song honoring Laken Riley.
ITEM 23: Kevin Dalton tweeted with video, “The I-80 in California has been turned into a 6 mile long snow covered parking lot near Emigrant Gap.”
This stretch of I-80 is near Donner Pass. Who drives through Donner Pass in the winter? I mean besides cannibals.
ITEM 24: FBI Director went on Dan Bongino’s podcast. Jake Tapper pouted, “The director of the FBI interviewed by his own former deputy director of the FBI.”
George Stephanopoulos interviewed Bill Clinton on ABC on September 18, 2005; January 13, 2010; and on September 26, 2013.
Jake Tapper never complained.
ITEM 25: The GDP grew by only 1.4% in the last quarter of 2025.
So Democrats won a shutdown. Again.
ITEM 26: The Supreme Court ruled that President Trump—and only President Trump—cannot impose emergency tariffs under the law that allows presidents to impose emergency tariffs.
The ruling ensures that Chief Justice John Roberts will continue to be invited to the best parties in Washington, where bankrupting the country is Job One.
ITEM 27: Scott Bessent calmy said, “The Court did not rule against Trump’s tariffs. Six justices ruled that IEEPA cannot be used to raise $1 of revenue. This administration will invoke alternative legal authorities to replace the tariffs.”
ITEM 28: Trump later announced, “Effective immediately, all National Security TARIFFS, Section 232 and existing Section 301 TARIFFS, remain in place, and in full force and effect. Today I will sign an Order to impose a 10% GLOBAL TARIFF, under Section 122, over and above our normal TARIFFS already being charged.”
Gotta pay for those unconstitutional refunds the Supreme Court imposed.
ITEM 29: Florida’s legislature passed a bill renaming Palm Beach’s airport President Donald J. Trump International Airport.
How dare they! That would be like renaming Little Rock’s airport Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport.
They did? Nevermind.
ITEM 30: The Prince William (VA) Times reported, “More than 300 Woodbridge Senior High School students who walked out of their school last week to protest ICE have been disciplined with three-day suspensions.”
This will chill the ICE protests.
ITEM 31: NBC reported, “Poland pulls out of treaty banning antipersonnel mines, says it will use them to defend against Russia.”
The decision is final. The Poles are closed.
ITEM 32: Overton tweeted with video, “Things got a little tense on Morning Joe today. Iran’s foreign minister Abbas Araghchi flat out told Joe Scarborough that his reporting was wrong, while live on air. Scarborough looked stunned—and quickly moved to clarify for viewers.”
What does the foreign minister of Iran know about negotiations with the USA? Scarborough is a Florida Man now. Hold his beer and he will Joesplain’ it.
ITEM 33: And the answer is Mount Flushmore.
The correct question is:
POLL: Today’s question comes from Retard Finder on Twitter who asked, “Who is your pick for Retard of the Week?” The word retard is not used on people with limited mentality, just people who act that way.
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POLL
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OK, who is the Retard of the Week?
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