Don Surber takes us on a tour of this week’s most notable news items as only he can.
ITEM 1: Old School Eddie asked, “If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?”
Kenneth “Mostly Skeptical” Davis replied, “He wanted Fast Food—bada-bing, bada-bum.”
ITEM 2: The New York Post reported, “Melissa Etheridge recalls moment late son came out as straight at 11: ‘Mom, I’m sorry.’”
They should have bonded because they shared a mutual interest in girls.
ITEM 3: The Daily Signal reported, “The Miss America Organization changed its rules to clarify that only females can compete. This comes after Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier warned the organization that its policies may violate Florida’s Deceptive and Unfair Trade Practices Act.”
Forget calling them trannies. They’re Decepticons.
ITEM 4: The Daily Beast reported, “Megyn Kelly blasted Euphoria star Sydney Sweeney for sexualizing infancy on Tuesday, in her latest attack against the star since she became Trump and MAGA’s favorite actress.”
Well, when you are 55, a woman half your age may seem like an infant.
ITEM 5: Science Daily reported, “Mammal ancestors laid eggs, and this 250-million-year-old fossil finally proves it.”
That report laid an egg because Perry the Platypus already proved it.
ITEM 6: Hillary tweeted, “The end of Viktor Orbán’s autocratic regime is a victory not just for Hungary, but for people who value democracy around the world. Congratulations to Tisza, to incoming leader Péter Magyar, and to Hungarians everywhere.”
Magyar since announced, “Hungary will not accept any pact. In fact, I’m going to reinforce the border fence even more.”
Once again, Hillary showed the keen insights into world politics that made her the worst secretary of state in U.S. history.
ITEM 7: CENTCOM Commander Admiral Brad Cooper told reporters, “I met with some of the teams that helped to bring our F-15 airmen home safely from Iran, and heard first person accounts of the stories—absolute heroes.
“The four best air forces in the world—the Israeli Air Force, the U.S. Air Force, and the air forces of the U.S. Navy and U.S. Marine Corps together met and exceeded our own military objectives over and over again
They reduced Iran’s air force to a flock of seagulls.
ITEM 8: The Moscow Times reported, “Putin Demands Answers as Russia’s Economy Undershoots Expectations.”
Invading Ukraine became the biggest mistake in Europe since Hitler invaded Poland.
ITEM 9: Erick Erickson told listeners, “A case in point on media bias: Every Chinese trade route to the West is now controlled by the United States thanks to Donald Trump, and I bet this is the first you’re hearing of it.”
If you want news that is fair, balanced and unafraid, tune in Fox News.
ITEM 10: Fox News reported, “Trump pushed Iran to the brink—but did we win anything that lasts?”
Never mind.
ITEM 11: CNBC reported, “Europe could run out of jet fuel in 6 weeks, IEA warns.”
Well, this summer their tourists can just take the train from America to get there.
ITEM 12: Republican Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna tweeted that Democrats are holding hearings on alleged abuses of power by Nayib Bukele of El Salvador.
Democrats are so desperate to impeach a president that they don’t care what country he is from.
ITEM 13: REPORTER: Iran is going to execute four more protesters, including the first woman protester. What do you tell Iran?
TRUMP: Tell that to the pope.
ITEM 14: Fox News reported, “Female protesters in Iran are being gang-raped before they are executed.”
Tell that to the pope.
ITEM 15: The City of Lakewood tweeted, “On May 9, the USS Cleveland will pass Lakewood on its way to Cleveland for its commissioning. This is the first time in 250 years that a U.S. Navy ship is commissioned in Ohio.”
They timed the commissioning to avoid the football season, fearing the Browns would sink the ship.
ITEM 16: Trump on Mamdani: “He’s a nice guy. Calls me all the time, says hi. But his policies are no good. Nice guy—shame about the apocalypse he’s causing.”
Now you know why Kimmel hates Trump: He’s funnier.
ITEM 17: The New York Times reported that the Campaign for Democracy PAC bought $1.5 million buying Gavin Newsom’s book—or more than two-thirds of the books sold. While it is called Newsom’s PAC, his contributions are limited to $5,000 a year.
The French Laundry is a nice restaurant. Campaign for Democracy PAC is a nice money laundry.
ITEM 18: Aakash Gupta tweeted, “Amazon’s internal metrics said customers waited under 60 seconds for customer service. Jeff Bezos picked up the phone in a meeting and waited more than 10 minutes.
“The head of customer service had been defending the number. Bezos said ‘Ok, let’s call.’ He dialed Amazon’s 1-800 line on speaker. The room sat there for over ten minutes before a rep answered. The metric didn’t survive the meeting.”
Any questions about why he is a billionaire?
ITEM 19: The Catholic Herald tweeted, “The Trump administration has cancelled an $11 million contract with Catholic Charities in Miami, ending a decades-long partnership to care for unaccompanied migrant children.”
Well that should please the separation-if-church-and-state crowd.
ITEM 20: Trump tweeted, “Iran, with the help of the U.S.A., has removed, or is removing, all sea mines! Thank you!”
What a war. The people of Iran cheered our bombing while Democrats called it a war crime. Our allies refused to help us clear the Strait of Hormuz, but now our enemy is.
ITEM 21: Trump also tweeted, “Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World!”
Iran did not close the strait. Lloyd’s of London did. The company’s refusal to honor their insurance contracts stopped Persian Gulf shipping altogether. If I were Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, I would get into the insurance business and never allow elitists in London to shut down my economy ever again.
ITEM 22: Axios reported, “Scoop: U.S. considers $20 billion cash-for-uranium deal with Iran.”
It quoted a tweet from Trump. Well, parts of it: “The U.S.A. will get all Nuclear ‘Dust,’ created by our great B2 Bombers. No money will exchange hands in any way, shape, or form.”
Then Axios said “he didn’t refer specifically to the idea of unblocking Iranian funds.”
By the way, Axios reporters Barak Ravid and Marc Caputo didn’t refer specifically to the idea of not beating their wives.
ITEM 23: Sean Spicer said, “People need to appreciate what a game of chess this was. This was not Iran capitulating; this was the arm of China telling Iran to knock it off.”
My guess is that after Venezuela and Iran, Red China’s military sales are down. Way down. Down like the Iranian Navy—glub, glub, glub.
ITEM 24: Justice Sotomayor apologized to Justice Kavanaugh for taking a cheap shot at his parents.
The wise Latina has yet to show her wisdom after nearly 17 years on the Supreme Court. But liberals keep saying she will.
ITEM 25: Christiane Amanpour tweeted:
Using the Pentagon podium to lash out at journalists in extreme biblical terms is unprecedented, misguided, and frankly wrong on the substance. Ever since Sunday School Catholic classes, I have been well aware of the Scribes and the Pharisees. They were the bad guys against Jesus, the good guy in current U.S. good v evil war parlance. Bearing witness to the truth is what we journalists are commanded to do, without fear nor favor.
I am also well aware of the Ten Commandments, and therefore urge any government radical anywhere, to follow the 9th against bearing false witness.
And finally an observation: the current Secretary of War, f/k/a Defense, left the military with the rank of Major. I recall my dog tag in the first Gulf war had the rank of major—the very same rank. Just sayin’!
Amanpour never served in the military and dog tags do not include rank. Other than lying and crying, she’s taking her loss in Iran well.
ITEM 26: The European Conservative reported, “A 19-year-old Afghan is set to stand trial in France after being accused of repeatedly abusing goats and sheep near Marseille.”
Old Mohammad had a farm, ee-I-ee-I-oh.
Hint to farmers. Raise a few pigs along with those sheep.
ITEM 27: Nioh Berg tweeted, “I think Trump’s strategy right now is to loudly declare that the IR has agreed to everything, then lean back and watch them tear each other apart in confusion and fingerpointing.”
The Sun Tzu never sets on the Trump Empire.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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