The news is full of entertainment, if you know how to read it. Don Surber guides us through this week’s presentations from the media, an institution seemingly incapable of unbiased reporting.
ITEM 1: AP reported, “The man accused of sparking the deadly Palisades Fire in Los Angeles was upset that he didn’t have plans for New Year’s Eve and ranted about being angry at the world before the initial blaze was sparked, according to court documents filed by prosecutors.”
A smug Al Gore said see. I warned you about manmade fires.
ITEM 2: The Texas Commision on Judicial Conduct banned the first gay judge in Bexar County after she ordered an attorney handcuffed.
Handcuffs? Keep your kinky sex out of the courtroom.
ITEM 3: Minnesota’s first Muslim attorney general accepted a plea deal in which a Somali American gets no jail time after admitting he stole $11 million in Medicaid fraud.
Thank you, Keith Ellison, because now feds can use the admission in a federal case that could land him 100 years in prison.
ITEM 4: The first Muslim appointed as a federal judge in DC apologized to the man accused of trying to kill President Trump at the WHCA dinner.
That sounds awfully familiar. Hmm. “Just as every cop is a criminal and all the sinners saints.” Mick Jagger? Nyah, just the 2028 Democrat Party platform.
ITEM 5: The Daily Mail reported, “Taxpayer-funded Texas waterpark announces ‘Muslim only’ day featuring modest dress and Halal-slaughtered meat.”
I feel sorry for the guy who has the puked-pork concession stand.
ITEM 6: A reporter at the New York Times filed an EEOC complaint against his employer for discrimination. He’s a white male.
Foundational White Janissary tweeted, “One of my friends works in boutique employment law in NYC, white male discrimination cases rule because instead of having to meticulously pick through years of performance reviews and correspondence for a hint of discrimination, you just subpoena emails and Ctrl+F ‘white men.’”
ITEM 7: ABC News reported, “Tennessee passes new congressional map that splits state’s only majority-black district.”
The Confederate states are the ones desegregating congressional districts.
ITEM 8: The Virginia Supreme Court struck down a Democrat attempt to fool voters into adopting a plan to hand over all 11 of the state’s seats in Congress to Democrats.
And they would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for that meddling state constitution.
ITEM 9: MAGA primary-ed 5 RINOs in Indiana for failing to support gerrymandering the state’s congressional delegation.
EducatëdHillbilly™ tweeted, “The Democrats in Indiana will keep their seats and the Republicans who helped them won’t.”
ITEM 10: Kane at Citizen Free Press linked an ESPN story, “Female athletes at Met Gala—Angel Reese looks awful.”
Don’t worry about the WNBA star. She’ll rebound.
ITEM 11: On Tuesday, Obama went on Colbert’s Dead Show Walking and said, “I’m worried about the Republican Party. I’d love a Republican Party that believed in rule of law and wasn’t constantly tapping into our worst impulses.
“There has been a Republican Party like that in the past, and I want to see that return.”
Oh no! We have failed him for the millionth time.
ITEM 12 : Kurt Schlichter tweeted, “Mexico is so lame that its big holiday, Cinco de Mayo, celebrates beating the French.”
The French celebrate Bastille Day for the same reason.
ITEM 13: I misheard. Instead of Corona, I ordered a cup of instant decaf.
I thought it was Sanka de Mayo.
ITEM 14: On March 30, 2023, Virginia State Senate President L. Louise Lucas tweeted, “Donald Trump just learned no one is above the law!”
This week she learned that when the FBI used a warrant to “Mar-a-Lago” her office in an investigation begun under Biden.
ITEM 15: The New York Times reported, “President Trump wants the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool painted blue. He used an exemption to steer a $6.9 million contract to somebody he said had worked on his own pools, despite rules about how government money is spent, The New York Times found.”
They didn’t paint the pool. They sealed it. He brought in experts not Sanford and Son Paint Company.
When it comes to taste in architecture, Trump as more than every Democrat tongue in the land—combined.
ITEM 16: Marco “Polo” Rubio filled in for Karoline Leavitt. He told reporters, “All right, there’s no way I can figure out who to call on. I’m just gonna like press right in the middle, right there, you right there, yeah, yeah. Right in the back row.”
“You can ask two questions, and I’ll pick which one I like better.”
Democrat presidents have it easier. They write the questions for the reporters.
ITEM 17: Yellow Hammer reported, “Alabama state troopers escorted disruptive protesters out of State House gallery during redistricting debate.”
It’s only an insurrection if MAGA does it.
ITEM 18: Our favorite president tweeted, “I am pleased to announce that there will be a THREE DAY CEASEFIRE (May 9th, 10th, and 11th) in the War between Russia and Ukraine. The Celebration in Russia is for Victory Day but, likewise, in Ukraine, because they were also a big part and factor of World War II.
“This Ceasefire will include a suspension of all kinetic activity, and also a prison swap of 1,000 prisoners from each Country. This request was made directly by me, and I very much appreciate its agreement by President Vladimir Putin and President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Hopefully, it is the beginning of the end of a very long, deadly, and hard fought War. Talks are continuing on ending this Major Conflict, the biggest since World War II, and we are getting closer and closer every day.
“Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
Leave it to Putin and Zelensky to call a ceasefire to celebrate a previous war.
ITEM 19: SF Gate reported, “Brain-eating amoeba detected in western national park waters.”
Send the amoeba to AOC’s house. It will starve.
ITEM 20: Utah Supreme Court Justice Diana Hagen resigned ahead of an investigation into whether she was knocking boots with appellate attorney David Reymann, who argued a challenge to redistricting. He won.
These boots are made for knocking and that’s just what they’ll do.
ITEM 21: ABC reporter Rachel Scott whined on Twitter, “I asked the president why focus on these projects now amid the backdrop of the war in Iran and as gas prices soar. He said the question was ‘stupid’ and a ‘disgrace to the country’ saying he’s ‘fixing’ the reflecting pool.”
Gas is now $4.49 a gallon. Bring back Joe Biden because under him, $5 gasoline was not the fault of the president.
ITEM 22: Many people who say we need to cut back our use of fossil fuels complain about the price of gasoline.
Are you ready, boots? Start walking.
ITEM 24: CNBC reported, “Toyota fourth-quarter profit misses by wide margin as U.S. tariffs drive 49% slump.”
Sales fell 3% and cut profits in half? Who runs Toyota now? Mark Carney?
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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