Don Surber takes us through another week of the summer doldrums of news cycles. He’ll make you laugh, think and understand the media better than the institution knows itself. Enjoy!
ITEM 1: ABC reported, “A Somali referee for the 2026 FIFA World Cup was denied entry into the United States over the weekend due to vetting concerns, U.S. Customs and Border Protection said on Monday.”
No problem. Just pluck one from Minnesota.
ITEM 2: Retard Finder tweeted, “New Lord Mayor of Belfast, Róis-Máire Donnelly, in her inauguration speech on 1 June 2026 said, ‘Diversity enriches our city, and the lives of all of our citizens, and I will champion that diversity.’”
This week, one of her diversities tried to behead an Irishman. Ireland should embrace this enrichment and start beheading murderers.
ITEM 3: CNN reported, “UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer suffered a fresh blow on Thursday after Secretary of Defense John Healey resigned over a budget dispute, saying the government is not willing to give the British Armed Forces the “resources they need.”
I know how the UK can beef up its defense on the cheap. Sign up the Belfast Beheaders Brigade.
ITEM 4: A jury convicted Karmelo Anthony of the cold-blooded murder of Austin Metcalf. Dallas attorney Thelma Anderson said, “Pray for the Anthony family, because they have been legally lynched for the last year and more so by this slaughterhouse of a courthouse, as well as the family of the Metcalfs.”
So why didn’t she take the case pro bono?
Oh wait. She can’t. The Texas Bar suspended her after a fraud conviction.
ITEM 5: Only 20 liberals gathered for the protest outside the courthouse and there were no riots anywhere.
George Soros must be running out of money.
Or maybe it was ending US AID.
ITEM 6: Obama: We can’t drill our way out of this.
Yes we can. We just did.
Visegrád 24 tweeted, “The United States has become the world’s largest exporter of crude oil and fuel, unseating long-time energy titans Russia and Saudi Arabia.”
First time in post-World War II history.
ITEM 7: A judge overturned the NCAA ban on players betting on games, clearing the way for Brendan Sorsby to quarterback Texas Tech. Pundits argued about this outrageous decision on ESPN until a commercial break.
ITEM 8: Red State reported, “The Cleveland Clinic has reached a settlement with the Trump administration over pediatric gender-transition treatments, becoming the second major hospital system to do so in less than a month. Under the agreement, the hospital will stop providing puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones to minors, commit $2 million to de-transition care, and pay $308,000 to resolve billing allegations.”
Ever notice that the same people who opposed the use of steroids by ballplayers consider giving estrogen to boys and testosterone to girls is a sacred rite?
I wonder why that is.
ITEM 9: Victor Davis Hanson said, “ When I started in 1984 at Cal State Fresno, I had really good students. When I finished 20 years later, I couldn’t even offer a class with the same syllabus. The kids couldn’t do it.”
So he went from teaching college to teaching junior high.
ITEM 10: The Toronto Globe and Mail reported, “SpaceX IPO makes Elon Musk the first trillionaire. Here’s how to properly hate him.”
They’re jealous. He has a space program that can launch rockets into outer space. Canada doesn’t.
ITEM 11: 4,400 other Space X employees became millionaires on Friday thanks to Musk’s stock sharing. The employees included janitors and cafeteria workers.
400 of them are now worth over $100 million.
We’ll see how empty the employee parking lot will be on Monday.\
ITEM 12: Ro Khanna sneered, “A 5% tax on Elon’s trillion net worth would literally pay for free college and trade school for every American.”
Congress spends 150 times that amount each year. Why isn’t Khanna already doing this?
ITEM 13: Ian Jaeger tweeted, “Governor JB Pritzker warns that the Trump Administration has removed 120,000 people in Illinois from receiving SNAP benefits.”
He’s a billionaire, He can cover the loss. After all, AOC, Bernie and Pocagontas agree that no one earns a billion bucks.
ITEM 14: Just the News reported, “Democrat leading Michigan Senate primary defended terrorist Muslim Brotherhood power grab in Egypt.”
“I’ll take Political Parties for $2,000.”
“And the answer is ‘Nazis, Muslim terrorists and communists.’”
(Buzzes in.) “What is the modern Democrat Party today?”
ITEM 15: Sig Hansen, a renowned Norwegian-American fishing captain with a TV series, was among the fishermen who went to the Oval Office to watch President Trump sign an order re-open 500,000 square miles of ocean to USA fishermen that Bush, Barack and Biden closed—which allowed Red China and other nefarious nations to poach our waters.
The Captain said to Trump, “I spent a couple of months with you on The Apprentice, and I saw your work ethic there, and I’ve got to tell you, I can’t fathom how you can do all of this. Representing us, and helping the fishermen the way you have done, it is mind-boggling to me, because I know you have your hands full, but putting us on that pedestal and backing up our industry the way you have, is just phenomenal.”
The Trump he met is one of a dozen clones. FJB had an Auto Pen. Trump has his Manbots.
ITEM 16: Media-ite reported, “Chuck Todd Says He’d Bet on the 2028 GOP Nominee Being ‘Somebody With the Last Name of Trump.’”
The Donald is going to adopt Marco?
ITEM 17: American Greatness reported, “HUD Yanks Federal Funding From LA Homeless Agency, Launches IG Investigation into Potential Fraud.”
The story said, “The scandal-plagued agency has received nearly $1 billion in federal funding since 2021, even as the homeless crisis exploded on city streets.”
But without the money to house the homeless, fired social workers will lose their mansions, which will create more homeless.
ITEM 18: What did this graphic leave out?
Also, life expectancy was 50.
ITEM 19: Jonathan Turley predicted California’s extended vote counting is coming to an end.
“A majority of the justices were prepared to say that when federal law says election day, they mean election day.”
Gavin Newsom’s excuse is nobody told him there would be math.
ITEM 20: We Love Trump reported, “An Obama-nominated federal judge just handed President Trump a win. On June 12, U.S. District Judge Amit P. Mehta denied an emergency bid to shut down UFC Freedom 250 on the White House South Lawn.”
This opens the door for Midget Bowling on Labor Day.
ITEM 21: Late last night, Trump tweeted, “At my direction, the United States Southern Command delivered a swift and lethal kinetic strike to successfully execute Niño Guerrero, the infamous leader of Tren De Aragua, one of the most bloodthirsty Terrorist Organizations on Planet Earth.”
Unalive. Unalive. You’re in the past tense generation.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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