Marriage was something that I always wanted for myself, even though I understood the risks for men if the marriage falls apart. In my 20s, I had many relationships, but they were mostly long term with the intention to marry. For a variety of reasons, including failures on my part, they never made it even as far as an engagement. Regardless of this, my intentions never wavered.
If I am to play psychologist on myself, it’s possible that part of the reason I believe in marriage is that I’ve seen what it looks like for a family that isn’t married, growing up in a single-parent household. Although I had my son at the age of 21, I still wanted to model for him the best possible way of raising a successful family. Note: I understand that marriage alone is not full proof and there are children who’ve had terrible experiences under a married household, but there are very little guarantees in life.
Recently, I had the privilege of appearing on Suzanne Venker’s podcast again to discuss my article “Why the modern woman is an unhappy woman” where I discuss the dating flaws of the modern woman and their lack of relationship strategy that’s leading to their feeling of unfulfillment in their later years. Throughout much of the conversation, I brought up my personal relationship with my fiancée and our relationship dynamic as an example for her audience so they can understand my perspective.
I am keenly aware of how it appears as a man discussing dating decision making for women and how some women might not like this visual. After the video released, I was curious if this would be the reaction from the comments area and to my surprise it wasn’t the women who had complaints; it was the men. It was the men stating how I shouldn’t get married. It was the men reacting with such stark emotion about a stranger attempting to do something that’s been practiced for centuries. One man going as far as calling me a “simp” for simply wanting marriage.
This reaction was surprising to see on a video discussing women’s dating strategies, but I’ve heard all of this rhetoric before. A little background about myself: I’ve been an avid consumer of men’s red pill content for the past couple of years. If you’re unfamiliar, men’s red pill is in reference to theorizing & discussing masculinity, relationships and sexual dynamics between men & women based on a male perspective and/or based on evidence (ex: statistics).
To be honest, I’m a consumer of all types of media simply for the curiosity to understand other people. Years ago, I used to watch women-oriented content to understand a woman’s perspective, so this isn’t about being biased, this is about consumption of information.
Overwhelmingly, I’ve found that the men’s red pill content has been a net positive in my life. The discussions of masculinity and the traits surrounding it have been profoundly influential to the point of adapting it into my personal life. The discussion of male to female interpersonal dynamics always tingled the part of my brain that loves psychology and much of it made sense in relation to my past relationships that had failed.
As someone who consumes a variety of media, I take information that I deem useful and discard information that is not useful or that I disagree with after deliberation. While I understand certain viewpoints coming from certain male creators in this space and why they view the world in this manner, I disagree with many on the topic of marriage.
I’ve had conversations with men and women about the topic of marriage (mostly young men & women) and what I’ve noticed is that both sexes move about their relationships with hesitancy because of their fear surrounding marriage. Both sexes bring up the horror stories that have been cemented in their brain and it is something that remains with them to the point of avoiding marriage, even if they want it.
Men and women fear marriage for different reasons. What I’ve noticed is that women typically fear marriage from the sense of being potentially ‘trapped’ with a man that’s abusive or a man that cheats on her. Interestingly, women are fearful of essentially picking the wrong man because women fear being vulnerable to the wrong man.
Their horror stories consist of knowing someone in their personal life, or even remotely, that was with a man who was one way before marriage and then once the ring was on her finger, he turned into a savage beast ready to use his wife as a punching bag or he took advantage of her trust by sleeping with another woman.
Men fear marriage for different reasons, but it’s mainly fearing losing resources that they’ve earned. As a man, I understand this mindset. The last thing I want to do is spend years of my life working hard for a woman to divorce me and take half of it that she didn’t earn herself. Men are very particular about money and time and consequently, a failed marriage can signify that you wasted your time with the wrong woman and a divorce can result in a man losing his money.
I know the risks involved with getting married, but I am also aware of the positives of marriage. I talk incessantly about the issue with single-parent homes in regards to how it affects children, but how could I, in the same breath, tear down the prospect of marriage? Here lies one of the biggest flaws with some of the red pill content that I’ve consumed. Many of these men grew up without their fathers, many of them read statistic after statistic about broken homes & what happens to the children from broken homes, yet in the next breath, they tell men not to get involved in marriage.
What they completely overlook is that men want children too, so by promoting marriage-less relationships, you’re essentially promoting a greater likeliness for single-parent homes; the very situation that they are alarmed by.
Another flaw is that they don’t hold men accountable enough for their failed relationships. After my break ups in the past, I looked at myself and said, “what could I have done better?” I don’t see enough men being accountable for their part of the divorce statistic. What they should be telling me is what to look for BEFORE getting married and not simply throwing the baby out with the bathwater by avoiding marriage completely. Even something as simple as encouraging pre-marital counseling to make sure you’re on the same page as your wife (which is something I’m doing with my fiancée).
By the time I made my decision to ask her for marriage, I had already purposely vetted her for marriage, which was something I did not do properly in previous relationships. I specifically remember asking her about if she sees herself living in the same area for the rest of her life because that would have been a deal breaker for me. I looked at the qualities that she possessed. I looked at her mindset and her willingness to improve. I looked at her willingness to cater to me and her willingness to accept me for who I am.
In return, I actively worked to improve myself as a man in order to be someone that she will always respect. I became a better person for me and as a side effect, she would have a better partner; a win-win situation.
I’ve become keenly aware of these types of guys who are scarred divorced men that act is if they are the prophets of marriage. Marriages fail for a variety of reasons and I know that women initiate about 80% of divorces, but people don’t do things for zero reasons. Some of that 80% has to be due to the failure on the man’s part; it’s only logical. Were they weak minded during their marriage? Were they respectable during their marriage? How was your communication? Were you accountable for your failures?
One important part of relationships with women that I learned is that women do not generally throw away men that they find valuable. Women will easily discard a man that they view as weak or that they don’t fully respect. The reality is that some weak men marry the first woman that gives them consistent sex because they have a scarcity mindset & not an abundance mindset. This leads to an inevitable relationship failure.
With all of this stated, I am getting married to a woman that I know inside & out. Hell, sometimes I know her better than she knows herself, and vice versa. This is beyond a “caught up in emotions” situation or a situation of marrying a woman just to keep having sex with her. This is about potentially having another child, joining in union with a woman under God and modeling the proper method of long-term relationship success for my son and my potential future child.
This article was published at Wrong Think Publishing. Reprinted here with permission.
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