Satire
Congress Mulls Mandatory Marriage Training: From ‘I Do’ to ‘I Don’t Even Know You Anymore’
In a shocking turn of events, lawmakers are considering a groundbreaking new initiative aimed at improving the state of marriages in the country. Inspired by the resounding success of mandatory child protection training (which we all know is making buckets of cash with no measurable impact), they’re now setting their sights on our romantic relationships.
The proposed program, known as “Pre-Wed Lockdown,” will force couples to undergo rigorous training on the dark and gritty details of spousal abuse, with the primary goal of padding our pockets—uh, I mean, ensuring the success of your happily ever after.
Because who doesn’t want to spend their pre-wedding bliss dissecting the intricacies of abusive behavior? Move over prenuptial agreements; it’s time for prenuptial interrogations! Forget about love languages; it’s time to master the art of “I-know-what-you’re-thinking-and-I’m-keeping-an-eye-on-you” languages.
The critics might say that such training should focus on promoting healthy relationships and preventing violence, but come on! We all know that creating a booming industry around marriage drama is the real American dream. Imagine the potential for marriage therapists, divorce lawyers, and reality TV shows!
As one anonymous source in Congress put it, “We’ve had enough of these lovey-dovey couples living in ignorant bliss. It’s time to make marriage a true battleground of emotional warfare. Only then will we see who the real winners are, and by ‘winners,’ I mean ‘billable hours.'”
To give you a sneak peek of what this program might look like, expect courses like “Advanced Spousal Mind Reading Techniques,” “How to Keep Tabs on Your Partner 24/7,” and “Mastering the Silent Treatment.”
Yes, folks, it’s a brave new world of romance out there, and we’re just getting started. Who needs trust and communication when you can have suspicion and manipulation? After all, it’s not about love; it’s about profit!
In the end, whether you’re for or against Pre-Wed Lockdown, we can all agree on one thing: it’s a surefire way to keep the marriage industry thriving, one mandatory training session at a time.
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