Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, discusses the odd phenomenon of “Zuckerbucks” in 2020 with the old man…
Money, GOTV, and Lettuce Soup
Dateline June 2. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! Have you had your salad today?”
“Salad? Who wants salad?”
“Oh, just asking, sir. No reason…”
“Okay, okay, so it’s one of your stupid hints, isn’t it? I don’t have time for this. What are you getting at?”
“Lettuce Soup, sir!
“Lettuce Soup? Who makes Lettuce Soup?”
“Well, sir, today, sir, your cook does.”
“Oh brother.”
“Bibb lettuce, heavy cream, chicken broth, and spices. That’s about it, sir, apparently. A pretty simple soup. Looks good, doesn’t it, sir?”
“Well… it’s green. Green is always good.”
“Your favorite color, sir?”
“Well. I’m too old to have a favorite color… But I like green.”
“Well then, here you go, sir… soup, crackers, napkins and spoon. Enjoy!”
“You having any?”
“No, sir, I actually was running early, so I stopped for fast food and had a burger and fries in the parking lot, listening to the news on the car radio, sir.”
“Mmm… not bad. Lettuce, huh?”
“Yes sir. Lettuce Soup.”
“Not bad after all.”
“Heard the strangest story on the news, sir. Really floored me.”
“Mmm. What about…”
“Well, sir, you know how Mark Zuckerberg – the guy who founded Facebook – has, like, infinite amounts of money, sir?”
“Yeah. Wish he’d share some of it.”
“Well, sir, apparently, he did. He donated something like $350 million to last fall and winter political campaigns, sir.”
“$350 million? How did he do that?”
“Well, that’s the thing, he couldn’t, sir.”
“Come on, man! Make up your mind! Did he or didn’t he?”
“Well, sir, apparently, it’s a big scandal brewing. Because of the donation limits on federal campaigns, you can only donate a little to each individual campaign, each cycle, right, sir? I mean, unless you set up a PAC and stay 100% separate from the campaigns, sir.””
“Yeah, heh heh, something like that.”
“Well, sir, Mark Zuckerberg found a loophole, so to speak. He donated $350 million, not to campaigns, not to candidates, not to parties… but he donated it directly to governments, to help push voter turnout, sir.”
“Well, I don’t see how that helps a campaign.”
“It was for voter turnout… and it was weighted toward Democrat areas. So what Zuckerberg did, apparently, was pay cities and counties to heavily boost voter turnout in areas likely to vote Democrat, and then to do the same thing but on a much, much smaller scale, in Republican areas.”
“How different was the funding?”
“I didn’t hear the whole story, but I heard about Georgia, and it was amazing, sir.”
“Well? Tell me, kid! I’m on the edge of my seat here!”
“Rhett, sir. Not Kid. Rhett, sir.”
“Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. Rhett. So… tell me!”
“He spent $30 million on Georgia for last November’s election, sir. $30 million.”
“Wow!”
“And the difference was about a factor of 15, sir.”
“What?”
“He spent about $2.3 million on voter turnout programs in Republican areas, and $29 million on Democrat areas. In just one state.”
“Well… that’s nice.. They’re probably the areas that need the help most.”
“But that’s not the point, sir. It’s clearly an end-run around the campaign finance laws, sir.”
“How’s that? There’s no law against donating to a local government, is there? I think it’s pretty damned clever of the kid!”
“Well, sir, of course you’d think so, sir, but you’re the one who benefited. What if it had gone the other way, sir? What if he donated two million bucks to voter turnout in your areas, and thirty million bucks to voter turnout in the Republican areas of the state, sir? You’d be furious, sir!”
“Damn right I would! I’d lock him up!”
“And therein lies the problem, sir.”
“Huh?”
“For fifty years, sir, we’ve had this philosophy that donations to help federal campaigns have to be publicly declared and severely limited, sir.”
“But this wasn’t a donation to a federal campaign! You said so yourself!”
“Right. But it was clearly intended to help federal (and state, and local) campaigns, sir. Right?”
“Well, I don’t know that. Could go either way…”
“Please, sir. Let’s be honest. If you boost the Democratic turnout, that helps Democrat candidates at all levels from local to federal, right, sir?”
“Well, yeah, probably.”
“And if you boost the Republican turnout, then that helps Republican candidates at all levels, from local to federal, too, right, sir?”
“Well, yeah, probably…”
“So Zuckerberg clearly cheated, sir, at least in terms of the spirit of the law. By donating in a manner that overwhelmingly favored Democrat areas, sir, he clearly violated the intention of federal campaign law, sir.”
“You’re using awfully big words there, for a non-lawyer, you know.”
“No I’m not, sir. ”
“Oh. They sounded big to me.”
“Well don’t blame me, sir. Six-year-old girls look nineteen to you, sir, you’re hardly one to judge.”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Never mind. So, umm, what I’m wondering, sir, is … will the Federal Election Commission be prosecuting him, sir?”
“Who?”
“Mark Zuckerberg, sir. Of Facebook, sir.”
“Why would they prosecute him?”
“Because he did a massive end run around the campaign finance laws, sir. Because he created a whole new level of cheating that nobody ever thought of before, sir!”
“Oh, I don’t know about that…”
“Do political campaigns do voter turnout programs, sir?”
“Well, sure…”
“Does it cost a lot of money, sir?”
“Oh, sure.”
“Do political parties also do voter turnout programs, sir?”
“Well, sure.”
“Does that cost them a lot of money too, sir?
“Well, yeah, sure…”
“And if some outside donor, some outside angel, funds a huge voter turnout program for you, then that saves you tons of money that you can spend on other things, like campaign staff salaries, and mailers, and printing, and commercials, right, sir?”
“Well, I guess, yeah…”
“Sir, I think we’ve just settled the case. The people involved, both Mark Zuckerberg and the counties and states that were in on it…they obviously all need to be prosecuted for it, sir. Right, sir?”
“Well, I wouldn’t jump to conclusions…”
“Sir, it’s the clearest case ever! How can we not view this as a violation of the campaign finance regulations, sir?”
“It all worked out in the end, though. There’s no need to prosecute anybody because it didn’t hurt anyone.”
“I beg your pardon, sir???”
“It’s like if you’re speeding down the highway, way in excess of the speed limit. If you cause an accident, you’ll get a ticket for speeding. But if you don’t cause an accident, and the policemen just caught you because he was sitting there with his radar gun on, but you didn’t really create a problem, then sometimes the policeman will let you go with a warning.”
“It depends on how fast you’re speeding, I think, sir…”
“Well, that just affects what the driver gives the policeman in exchange for a warning, that’s all.”
“Wait a minute, are you assuming the driver is going to bribe the state trooper, sir?”
“Well, state troopers have to eat too, you know…”
“But we’re not talking about minor traffic regulations, sir… We’re talking about tens of millions of dollars in blatant violations of federal law, sir!”
“Yes, and the bribes have been paid and received there too, so we’re all done with it. You don’t need to worry about it. All taken care of.”
“But sir, didn’t you vote for the Federal Election Campaign Act, sir? Isn’t the FEC and its work pretty important to you, sir?”
“Sure it is, son. Oh yeah. Sure it is.”
“But then, why aren’t you concerned about Mr Zuckerberg finding a loophole in this issue, sir?”
“Oh, never mind, son, don’t worry about it. The FEC is all working out just the way it was intended all along.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“This green soup really is surprisingly good. I’ll have some more. Can’t get over that. Lettuce soup. Heh heh.”
“Yes sir. If you say so, sir. I’ll just do my little interpretation of Mark Zuckerberg, then, and deliver all the lettuce you want.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Substack: American Free News Network Substack
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA