Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop is asked about his recent trip to Europe – remember this is early 2021, in our alternative universe where Russia has not yet invaded Ukraine and Europe is still deciding whether or not to become completely dependent on Russia for power.
Europe, China, Energy, Airbus, NATO, and Belgian Beer Conch Soup
Dateline: June 20. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! Did you save room for soup?”
“Soup? Oh goodie.”
“We have Belgian Beer Conch Chowder tonight, sir.”
“What the heck is that?”
“I don’t know. It’s Belgian, sir. Some kind of a seafood soup, sir.”
“Well, what does it taste like?”
“It’s conch soup, sir. Some kind of chowder, sir. You know, cream and bacon and beer, and potatoes and shallots and carrots… And lots of conch, sir.”
“What’s… um, what is, uhh…”
“My name, sir? Rhett, sir. Remember? Rhett Snapper, sir.”
“Oh, right, I knew that… Well, actually, no, I didn’t. Thanks,… But uh, what I meant was, what’s this clock you keep talking about?”
“Clock, sir?”
“You said it’s made of lots of clock.”
“No, sir, Conch, sir. Conch.”
“Well, whatever. What is it? I’ve never heard of Chunk.”
“No, sir. Conch. And your cook said you’d remember what it was because she just made you another conch soup a few weeks ago, sir.”
“Well, I sure don’t remember any soup called Clunk. What is it?”
“No, sir, it’s called Belgian Beer Conch Chowder. And Conch is a seafood, sir, it’s the one that lives in those big shiny shells on the beach, sir.”
“Oh. I do remember something about that.”
“Oh, good, sir. Did you like it?”
“Did I like what?”
“Oh, never mind, sir. Here you are, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins, spoons.”
“Oh goodie.”
“The name says it’s Belgian, sir. Did you have anything like this when you were in Belgium last week, sir?”
“Where?”
“Belgium, sir. You had meetings in Belgium last week, sir, right?”
“I don’t know. Did I?”
“Don’t you remember, sir?”
“I don’t remember brushing my teeth today.”
“Well, sir, the news reports showed you meeting with the EU and NATO, sir.”
“I don’t remember a meeting with the MeToo movement.”
“MeToo, sir?”
“Yeah, I don’t think I met with them.”
“Oh, no, sir, not MeToo, sir. The EU, sir. European Union, sir. The EU.”
“Sorry, what’s that?”
“The association of most western European countries, sir. A couple dozen countries, sir… Almost all of Europe except for Norway and Switzerland and a couple other tiny ones, sir.”
“Oh. What do they do?”
“Well, I don’t know, sir, I haven’t studied it, sir. I thought you’d know something about it, sir. Since you met with them, and all.”
“Oh.”
“I think they share things like economic policy and most business regulations, sir. And they have a shared currency, sir. The Euro.”
“Mmm.. I like gyros.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“I can’t eat them though because they’re messy. Had them once at some campaign event, or state fair, or something. Messy. Really good.”
“No, sir, we’re not talking about…”
“Gyros have this sauce… it always dribbles on your tie.”
“Yes sir, but the currency that the EU produces is the Euro, sir. Short for Europe, sir. A single currency for most of the continent of Europe, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And I believe they’re always arguing about immigration levels, sir.”
“That sounds familiar. What were we talking about, again?”
“Immigration, sir?”
“The border. Yeah, they’re always talking about the border… I went to Europe to get a week away from people asking me about the border all day.”
“Were you able to give them any tips, sir?”
“Oh what?”
“Tips about immigration, sir?”
“Oh, do you have some? I’m all ears.”
“No, sir, I was asking if you had recommendations for the Europeans, sir.”
“Heck, I don’t know how to solve the problems here; how can I have ideas for them over there?”
“Well, that’s a good question, sir.”
“I remember being there. I just don’t remember what we talked about…”
“Airplanes, sir?”
“Oh, sure, we always talk about our plane trips… the ceilings are never tall enough. I always bump my knee on the other seats…And turbulence. Man, I hate turbulence. It’s just awful.”
“No, sir, that’s not what I meant…”
“Oh, I beg to differ, turbulence is the worst.”
“No, sir, I mean, did they want to talk about trade issues regarding airplanes, sir?”
“Oh, right, right. a lot of trade moves on airplanes. I always forget that, because we think about planes as being for people, and bombs, and fighters, you know… But they also move a lot of freight on airplanes. You think maybe they wanted to talk about that?”
“Well, sir, maybe they did, I don’t know, but that’s not what I was thinking about, sir.”
“Oh.”
“I was wondering if maybe the airplane manufacturing dispute came up, on your trip, sir.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, sir, you know how we make a lot of planes, and so do some European companies like Airbus, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, I’ve heard that people are always arguing about tariffs and quotas on European planes and American planes, sir. Did you talk about that, sir?”
“Yes! You’re right, I remember!”
“Well, how did that go, sir? Did you come to an agreement, sir?”
“About what?”
“I mean, did you and the Europeans agree to lift the punitive tariffs and quotas that the two sides were arguing about, sir?”
“Depends.”
“On what, sir?”
“What are the two sides?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“I mean, inside and outside, or top side and bottom side?”
“I meant, the European airplane manufacturers and the American airplane manufacturers, sir.”
“Oh. What about them?”
“Oh, never mind. How about the energy disputes with Russia, sir? I heard that your negotiating team wanted to talk with the EU about their efforts to buy energy from Russia, sir.”
“Energy? What kind of energy?”
“The Russians have been building pipelines and offering to sell power to Europe …. like natural gas or petroleum into Germany and other EU member countries, sir, and the US opposed that because it would mean making Europe dependent on Russia for energy, sir.”
“Oh, well, what’s the problem with that?”
“Well, sir, the problem is that if the Europeans are dependent on Russia for power, and Russia does something that requires a declaration of war, sir, then the Europeans couldn’t respond because they’d be cutting off their own fuel supplies, sir.”
“So?”
“Well, sir, what if they NEED to attack Russia, sir?”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Well, sir, maybe if Russia annexed a member of the EU, sir, like Germany or Poland or Hungary, sir. What would the EU do then, sir?”
“Oh, sanctions, I suppose…”
“In retaliation to a conquest of a country, sir?”
“Oh, you take everything so seriously.”
“How can we take it any other way, sir?”
“All these what-ifs. It’s not like Russia is really going to take over any countries.”
“Sir, Russia took over Crimea five years ago, and nobody did anything about it. Why wouldn’t they take over more, now that they know nobody does anything about it, sir?”
“Well, I don’t know, I guess it would be up to them. Why are you asking me?”
“Because you’re in a position to encourage the EU to learn from our mistakes, sir, and protect themselves against Russia, sir.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, sir, you know how we’re completely dependent on Mainland China, sir?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, sir, we import much of our consumer goods from China… and we import components for most of the products we make in the USA from China too, sir. So if China were suddenly unavailable to us as an origin point for goods, we’d basically be shut down, sir. We’ve let ourselves become too dependent on them, sir.”
“Oh, well, I’m sure you’re exaggerating…”
“No, sir, I’m not. But consider this too: there are hundreds of thousands of Americans at any time, in China, as employees of American factories over there, and also tons of their families, sir. Tens of thousands, maybe sometimes even hundreds of thousands, of Americans at any given time, are sent by their employers to manage quality or purchasing or production or engineering. They’re always in China.”
“Our manufacturing relationship with China is strong and productive.”
“What’s that, sir, a talking point?”
“What?”
“What you just said, sir, it sounds like a meaningless talking point.”
“Oh. I don’t know. Maybe. Just came to me. I think I had to memorize it for a meeting once. I don’t remember with whom…”
“Sir, do you realize what those thousands of Americans in China are, sir, along with all our property and molds and dies and technology over there, sir?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we have countless people, resources, and intellectual property in China at any time, sir.”
“Okay, well, so? Those are investments.”
“No, sir, those are hostages.”
“What?”
“Think about it, sir. If China does something that we ought to attack them for, something so serious that we ought to go to war with them, sir… we can’t, because they have all these hundreds of thousands of hostages, sir.”
“Oh, don’t be silly. What would China do to cause us that kind of trouble? They aren’t going to start a war with us!”
“Right, sir, they aren’t, because they’re confident that they can do whatever they want, and we’ll never do anything, because we’d be abandoning hundreds of thousands of Americans on the wrong side of a battle line, sir. ”
“So what are you worried about?”
“I’m worried, sir, that they might do something to us that we OUGHT to attack them for, and we won’t dare, so they’ll get away with it, sir.”
“Like what?”
“Well, sir… like developing and releasing a deadly virus to weaken the world economy so that China can be the beneficiary by dominating even more manufacturing, sir!”
“Huh?”
“The Chinese could release that virus, sir, only because they knew we wouldn’t retaliate… because we have too many American nationals over there, and we wouldn’t leave them on the other side of that line, sir.”
“But what does that have to do with Russia? Weren’t we talking about Russia?”
“Yes sir. And Europe isn’t in that position with Russia today, but if they become totally dependent on Russia for energy, then it could be just as bad. If Russia invaded a member country, Europe might not be able to respond, because they’d lose their critical energy flow, sir.”
“Oh.”
“Well, did you and the other prime ministers talk about that sort of thing when you were in Europe last week, sir?”
“Beats me. I barely remember having soup there, but I must’ve, because everyone says I did.”
“So, you didn’t do anything to dissuade the Europeans from building those pipelines, sir?”
“Oh, I don’t know. You’ll have to ask somebody else. I don’t know the answer.”
“Oh, well, I guess I’ll just have to ask if you want seconds, sir. Would you like some more soup, sir? That seems to be the one and only question to which you always know the answer.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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