Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop is forced to think about on his endorsement of a particularly embarrassing Virginia politician.
Endorsements, Campaigns, and Honey Ham and Lentil Soup
Dateline: July 24. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening sir! How is your Saturday shaping up?”
“You really wanna know? Lousy.”
“Sorry to hear that, sir! Perhaps some soup will help, sir!”
“Oh? Is there soup?”
”There’s always soup, sir… Your cook has assured me that there will always be soup for you, every night. She even phones ahead to your advance team when you travel, and makes sure you have soup when you’re away.”
”Hmm… that’s right. Even when they sent me to Europe a while ago, they had soup every night… So she set that up?”
“Yes, sir. She said your advance team can’t put together a speech without contradicting itself in every other paragraph; she’s sure not trusting them to remember to get you soup. Ummm… Her words, not mine, sir…”
“So what’s the soup tonight, then?”
”It’s called Honey Ham and Lentil soup, sir.”
“Oh! Neat! Does it have a story? Anything interesting about it?”
“Not that I know of sir… I’m not familiar with it. Apparently a local Virginia soup, sir.”
“Well, now… That’s the second time today something has been about Virginia. What was it? I can’t remember… Something about Virginia…”
”I did hear that you were in Virginia today, sir. Could that be it, sir?”
“Was I? I don’t remember. Maybe. Did you hear what I did there?”
”I heard you were at a fundraiser, helping some candidate raise money, sir.”
“Come on, man! I do that all the time! That doesn’t help.”
“On the news, they said you were giving a speech, sir…”
“I do that all the time, too! What good is that? I make speeches every day.”
“Well, perhaps you could remember what the speech was about! That might help, sir…”
“I don’t know what the speeches are about! It’s not like I write the damn things… I barely read them. They show up on the Teleprompter and it’s in one ear and out the other. I have better things to do than to pay attention to that malarkey…”
“I see, sir… Well, the event I heard about was for Terry McAuliffe. Does that help, sir?”
“Oh, yeah! Now I remember… He’s running for governor… No, he’s already governor… No, he was governor, but he’s not anymore… What the heck is going on. I just can’t remember!”
“I think I know what you’re thinking of, sir… Terry McAuliffe was Virginia’s governor four years ago… But they are term limited in Virginia… One term and done. You cannot run for reelection… So that Northam character is the governor of Virginia now, and he is also term limited… So McAuliffe is running to succeed him… To get a second crack at the office.”
“Oh. That helps.”
“Glad to be of service, sir.”
“Oh? How’s that?”
“Well, you said I helped by explaining why you were fundraising for an ex-governor, sir.”
“I was? Fancy that. You know what I’m thinking even before I think of it.”
“Well, I do try, sir.”
“Don’t like going to Virginia. Don’t like going anywhere. Wish I could just stay here in my basement.”
”Isn’t that pretty much what you do already, every day, sir?”
“Well, sort of… I’m sorry… What were you saying?”
“You were just telling me about why you’re supporting Terry McAuliffe for Governor of Virginia again, sir.”
“Was I? I mean, am I?”
“Yes, sir, you just helped him raise money today, sir.”
“Oh yeah. Dammit. Look, here’s the deal: nowadays, I have to help other people raise money, and nobody gives me anything for it. In the old days, if they wrote a check to the other candidate, at his fundraiser, they’d write one to me too, you know? But nobody thinks of that anymore. I mean, I have a campaign fund too, you know?”
“Well, sir, maybe they all assume you’ve run your last campaign, sir. Perhaps they don’t expect to see you on the ballot again, sir.”
“Why not? I’m as good as I ever was!”
“More’s the pity, sir.”
“Huh? Look, I can serve a second term if I want to!”
“It’s not really entirely up to you, sir.”
“Sure it is!”
“It’s up to voters, and party machines, and the people who operate the copy machines and the other print shops, and the mail-in-vote drop boxes, and… well, sir, I just suspect you won’t have as easy a time winning the primary a second time, sir.”
“Why not?”
“Well, sir, not to be impolite or anything, but… you’ll be 82, sir.”
“I will?”
“So perhaps let’s talk about Virginia, sir. I was wondering, sir, why are you supporting McAuliffe for election again, sir?”
“Well, he’s running, you know?”
“Well, yes, sir, but you could distance yourself from him, sir.”
“Why would I do that? He’s a powerful fundraiser and a solid party man!”
“Yes, sir, but hasn’t he also been attached to a few serious scandals, sir?”
“He has?”
“Well, sir, he happily accepted the endorsement of Governor Northam, despite the photos of him wearing blackface, multiple times, sir… If a Republican did that, you guys would tar and feather him.”
“Oh. He did?”
“And Terry McAuliffe has been investigated by the FBI for his 2013 campaign fund and fundraising methods.”
“He has?”
“It goes way back, sir… Ralph Nader went public with the charge that Terry McAuliffe basically tried to bribe him to keep his presidential campaign off the ballot in key swing states back in 2004, sir.”
“He did? Ralph’s one of us…. he’s a straight shooter…”
“And of course he first hit the national scene, sir, as a member of the Clinton crowd in the 90s, sir. Do you really want to be closely associated with the Clintons right now, sir?”
“Well, umm… uhh…. I don’t think we have a choice. Isn’t Terry the nominee?”
“Sure, sir, but you could avoid the taint by saying you’re too busy for his events. Same thing goes for a lot of brands these days, sir.”
“Well, I guess, umm… I’ve never really paid much attention to other people’s private scandals, you know… I’d rather they all got forgotten…”
“I can certainly understand that. But McAuliffe is a rather unique element, wouldn’t you say, sir?”
“Well, I guess.”
“My work is done here, sir. Think I’ll quit while I’m ahead. Enjoy your soup, sir! Good night, sir!”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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