In a move that screams eco-genius, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer is considering the bold decision to cut down 420 acres of lush, oxygen-producing trees near Gaylord, Michigan, to install solar panels. Yes, because nothing says “environmental stewardship” like hacking down a life-giving forest in favor of a shiny solar farm that’ll spend half the year buried under snow. Move over, California—Michigan is about to become the new leader in seasonally effective energy. Or not.
Let’s start with the location: Gaylord, a town that just got clobbered by a tornado in 2022 and regularly receives more snow than Santa’s front yard. It’s also perched above the 45th parallel, where sunlight is more of a vague rumor than a daily occurrence. But don’t worry, those solar panels will totally thrive under three feet of snow and six months of gray skies. If science were a person, it would be shaking its head right now, muttering, “Bless her heart.”
Meanwhile, the trees? Well, they’re only responsible for producing oxygen, absorbing carbon dioxide, and providing habitats for countless species. But who needs all that when you can have solar panels generating power at a blistering 10% capacity in December? Whitmer’s logic here is clear: Why save the planet when you can just look like you’re saving it? Bonus points for making Michigan’s squirrels homeless in the process.
And the irony doesn’t stop there. While Whitmer’s team calls this a step toward renewable energy, anyone with a basic grasp of geography—or a working pair of eyes—knows solar power works best in places like California, where sunshine is actually a thing. In Michigan, we’re lucky if we see the sun between November and April. But hey, at least those panels will look nice reflecting the gray skies, right?
This plan is the ultimate green paradox: destroy a forest to save the environment. If Whitmer wants to be remembered, mission accomplished—she’s officially the Lorax’s worst nightmare. Michigan residents, grab your snow shovels and SAD lamps. It’s going to be a long, dim winter
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