Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are finishing up our semiweekly sharing of sample chapters from Evening Soup with Basement Joe. In today’s episode from the first year of his regime, the old man learns about holidays and regulations, and the truth about California.
Ballots, Lawnmowers, and Sopa Campesina
Dateline: October 12. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! Will Peotone, here! You hungry yet?”
“Huh? Who’s there?”
“Will, sir. I’m here with your soup, sir.”
“Oh, come in, come in.”
“Happy Columbus Day, sir.”
“Wait a minute. No. This isn’t Columbus Day. Yesterday was Columbus Day.”
“Only because of the Monday holiday law, sir. The Twelfth is the real anniversary of Columbus’ landing, sir. So today is the proper anniversary, sir. That’s why the cook made a Spanish soup for you today, sir.”
“Spanish? But I thought Columbus was Eye-talian?”
“Yes sir. He was. But he was trained in the Portuguese merchant marine, and eventually sailed to the Americas on behalf of Spain. So your cook went with Spanish soup tonight, sir. Sopa Campesina.”
“What’s that?”
“Vegetable soup with white wine, sir. Sopa Campesina. She said it means it’s Spanish Peasant Soup. Isn’t that cool? Spanish Peasant Soup. So I asked her if it was made of real Spanish peasants. She didn’t even crack a smile, sir. Just scowled at me and told me to take the tray downstairs, sir.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes, sir. Well, just think of it as a hearty Spanish vegetable soup, sir, in honor of the holiday, sir.”
“Mmm… are there crackers?”
“Always, sir. Soup… crackers… napkins… and your soup spoons, sir. Here you go.”
“Did she really get it from Spain?”
“No, sir, it’s a Spanish recipe, sir. She made it upstairs. Ingredients are probably all from California, I should think.”
“California? Why California?”
“Well, lots of our vegetables come from California, sir. At least, you know, they did before their government kept shutting down farms by denying them water rights, sir.”
“Water?”
“You know, sir, the water problems in California… you’ve been in politics for 50 years, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you about how they’ve messed up their water supplies over the years… they talk about that in Washington all the time, don’t they, sir?”
“I’m from Delaware. When they start talking about other states, I always take a nap.”
“Oh, so you only pay attention when discussions concern Delaware, sir?”
“Naahh… Delaware’s pretty dull. I know everything about Delaware already, so if they talk about Delaware, I always take a nap.”
“So what you’re saying, sir, is, umm, that… umm…”
“Zzzzz…”
“Uh, sir? Sir? SIR! Please wake up, sir. You can’t fall asleep with the soup spoon in your hand, sir. You’ll spill it.”
“Spill what?”
“Your soup, sir.”
“Oh? Is there soup?”
“Right on your desk, sir. You just spilled a spoonful, sir. Here, let me get that… okay.. umm… I’m supposed to chat with you so you don’t nod off, sir, since you need to be fed and awake for when they come down for your shot, sir.”
“Who’s gonna be shot? When is there gonna be a shot?”
“No, sir, nobody’s going to be shot, sir. I mean, you’re going to get your, umm, vitamin shot, sir, that’s all.”
“Oh. I hate that.”
“Yes sir. So anyway, sir, there’s been a lot of news about California, sir. Did you hear about how the governor signed a law making lawnmowers illegal, sir? Normal old gasoline lawnmowers?”
“High time. Lawns are overrated anyway.”
“No, sir, he didn’t ban lawns, just lawnmowers. So people have to buy those expensive electric lawnmowers that cost three times as much and operate on Chinese lithium batteries, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And he also banned normal chainsaws and hedge trimmers, sir.”
“What are they for?”
“Well, you know, sir, they’re the gasoline powered tools that gardeners use to trim your bushes, sir. You have bushes outside, your house, sir. I just saw your workers out there the other day, sir, trimming your bushes. Chainsaws and hedge trimmers are the tools that they use to keep your bushes in good shape, sir. And now they’re banned in California, sir.”
“Good. High time.”
“You agree with that ban, sir?”
“Sure. Too many Bushes as it is. First there was George H W … then George W… then Jeb… now they’ve got some grandkid who wants to run in Texas…”
“No, sir, not that kind of bushes, sir. The hedges outside, sir. These are the tools that people use, landscapers and homeowners, to trim their bushes, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And they’ve been gasoline powered for decades, sir. But in California, now, they’re mandating that people have to buy the expensive ones, two or three times the price, powered by Chinese lithium batteries, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And then there’s his bill on mail in voting, sir. That was really outrageous too, sir.”
“Voting? What about voting? What’s that? Now, that’s important, kid! Tell me about the voting!”
“Well, sir, you know how ever since the pandemic, a lot of states have been using special measures to keep people out of the polling places? They mail ballots to everybody’s house, so that people can avoid showing up on election day, they drop ballots in drop boxes or the mail, so there’s no chain of custody, sir…”
“Right, right… of course… go on … go on…”
“So it’s basically just a ticket to election fraud, sir… enabling all kinds of vote fraud, from organizational to freelance, sir.”
“Come on, man! Just tell me the news!”
“Well, sir, after the recall was done, one of the first things he did was to sign a bill that extends these pandemic-focused exceptions indefinitely, so that vote fraud is basically permanently legalized in California, sir.”
“Well, now. That’s good news. This is good soup. You’ve made my day.”
“But doesn’t it concern you, as an elected official yourself, sir, that the chain of custody, the voter identification, the process of confirming citizenship and limiting everyone to single vote, that all these critical steps of ballot integrity are permanently compromised, sir? I mean, anybody can steal an election in California now, sir!”
“Not anybody. Oh, no, not just anybody. The Republicans can’t. Heh heh. Heh heh…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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