Satire
In the year 2050, in the glorious gray sprawl of the United Socialist States of America, meat was illegal, cows were extinct (except for the one in the Smithsonian), and the only thing anyone had ever eaten was Bugpaste™—a nutrient-rich, government-issued insect purée that came in squeezable toothpaste tubes. Flavors included Mealworm Medley, Cricket Crunch, and the ever-popular Spicy Scorpion Smoothie. It was vegan, carbon-neutral, ethically-farmed, and according to state nutritionists, “not terrible if you squint and cry while eating it.”
But the only reason it was remotely edible—the only thing that made Bugpaste™ go down without gagging—was a fiery, black-market hot sauce called El Fuego de Abuela, smuggled in from Free Mexico (formerly known as Baja California before it seceded in 2033).
Then came the embargo.
The Collective Trade Authority, after a diplomatic incident involving a TikTok influencer and a sombrero, banned all imports of El Fuego. Within days, shelves were bare, and across the nation, desperate citizens were gnawing dry squirts of Chili-Cicada™ paste with tears streaming down their faces.
The nation snapped.
First came the protests. Then the riots. Then—the grilling.
A rogue band of rebels in the Appalachian Autonomous Zone slaughtered a feral pig and slow-roasted it over a fire fueled by copies of The Green New Deal: Revised 2047. People who’d never tasted meat before wept openly as they bit into smoky, greasy, illegal bacon. One man sobbed, “Why have they been feeding us insect toothpaste for twenty years when cows taste like heaven and freedom?”
Word spread faster than a viral cat video—there was a world before Bugpaste™, a world full of burgers, steaks, and greasy street tacos! Across the nation, people fired up secret grills, hunted black-market goats, and read ancient recipes off tattered cookbooks labeled BBQ for Dummies.
The regime tried to stop it, launching Operation Gut Justice—but it was too late. The Hot Sauce Uprising had ignited something deeper than spice: the taste of rebellion.
And thus, the Second American Revolution wasn’t fought for oil, gold, or tech—but for steak, ribs, and a decent bottle of hot sauce.
They called it The Sriracha War.
And history would remember it as the moment when America finally asked: Why settle for bugs in a tube when you can have brisket?
God bless the grill.
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