I have a proposal that will probably get me banned from the Butterball hotline.
Cancel Thanksgiving.
Not permanently. Calm down, Grandma. Just for one year.
America is tired. We’re broke. Half the country is irritated with the other half, and we’ve reached the point where cranberry sauce costs six bucks and somehow requires financing.
So let’s take Thanksgiving 2026 off.
Because if you actually examine what we’ve created, Thanksgiving may be the dumbest holiday on the American calendar.
Yes, Thanksgiving has legitimate religious roots in giving thanks to God. Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national Thanksgiving observance in 1863. But modern Thanksgiving has evolved into something considerably less theological.
Today we celebrate gratitude by spending enormous amounts of money traveling across the country so we can eat too much food with relatives we’re going to see again in four weeks.
Think about that.
“Hey, everyone! Christmas is coming! We’ll all be together!”
“Wonderful! When?”
“December 25.”
“That’s way too long. Let’s spend $1,800 getting together in November first.”
Brilliant.
And let’s schedule this unnecessary national migration during late November, when weather across much of America ranges from “miserable” to “Dear God, why are we driving through this?”
Here in deer country, we’ve added another degree of difficulty.
It’s dark at approximately lunchtime. The roads may be icy. Deer are moving. Bucks are wandering around intoxicated on testosterone and poor decision-making, occasionally stepping onto US-23 to challenge a Ford F-150 to single combat.
Every November, somewhere in Michigan:
WHAM.
“Happy Thanksgiving!”
Now Dad’s standing alongside the highway at 7:30 p.m., holding a flashlight in his mouth, examining $9,000 worth of front-end damage while Mom explains that they’re already late getting to Aunt Carol’s.
This raises an important question, and future conspiracy theory…
Was Thanksgiving secretly invented by the automobile industry?
Technically, no.
Lincoln created the national observance decades before Henry Ford started building automobiles.
This is admittedly devastating evidence against my theory.
Fortunately, modern conspiracy theories aren’t generally troubled by timelines.
Maybe Ford didn’t invent Thanksgiving. Maybe Detroit simply recognized its potential.
Think about it.
Millions of Americans simultaneously drive hundreds of miles.
Gasoline gets burned. Tires wear out. Cars break down. Tow trucks roll. Hotels fill up. Restaurants fill up. Body shops fill up.
And approximately 37 minutes after dinner, America begins shopping.
Because nothing says “Thank you, Lord, for everything I already have” quite like:
“GET OUT OF MY WAY, MARGE! THAT 75-INCH TV IS $299!”
Black Friday is Thanksgiving’s perfect companion.
Thursday: gratitude.
Friday: consumer blood sport.
We used to wait until Friday morning. That apparently wasn’t profitable enough.
Now we have Early Black Friday. Black Friday Week. Black Friday Preview. Black Friday Month. Cyber Monday. Extended Cyber Monday. Holiday Savings. Doorbusters. Lightning Deals.
Soon Black Friday will begin sometime around Easter.
The entire operation has become a carefully engineered commercial conveyor belt.
Eat turkey.
Watch football.
Get sleepy.
Wake up.
Spend money.
Spend more money.
Realize you “saved” $900 by spending $2,400.
Congratulations. You defeated capitalism.
And the funniest part is that we’re doing all this immediately before Christmas.
You know, the holiday that actually matters religiously to Christians.
The birth of Jesus Christ.
Church.
Family.
Tradition.
Generosity.
So why are we blowing the travel budget four weeks early?
Here’s the alternative.
Cancel Thanksgiving 2026.
Stay home.
Don’t fly anywhere.
Don’t drive 600 miles.
Don’t buy anything on Black Friday.
Eat something already living in your freezer. If you live in Michigan, there’s probably venison in there underneath something dated 2019.
Call Grandma.
Tell her you love her.
Watch the Lions lose again.
Take a nap.
Go hunting.
Maybe even spend a few minutes actually thanking God for your blessings without immediately opening Amazon to see whether air fryers are 30% off.
Then calculate what you didn’t spend.
Airline tickets.
Hotels.
Gasoline.
Restaurants.
Kennel fees.
Black Friday purchases.
Emergency tires.
The $1,000 insurance deductible after Bambi’s father head-butted your Silverado at 60 mph.
Put that money aside.
Then make Christmas better.
Go see the family. Stay longer. Buy thoughtful gifts. Help somebody who needs it. Attend church. Cook the giant meal. Make memories.
Do the whole thing properly.
We don’t need a dress rehearsal four weeks earlier.
Imagine if millions of Americans actually did this.
Walmart executives would call emergency meetings.
Amazon would wonder whether the internet was broken.
Visa would send technicians to check the machines.
Ford dealerships would stare at an alarming shortage of Thanksgiving deer-damaged trade-ins.
And insurance adjusters across Michigan might experience something unfamiliar:
peace.
The Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic in a wooden ship, survived disease, starvation, and a New England winter.
Your family can survive waiting four more weeks to see you.
So I’m starting the movement.
Cancel Thanksgiving 2026.
We’re tired.
We’re staying home.
We’ll be thankful from the couch.
And Grandma, don’t worry.
We’ll see you at Christmas.
Like we were going to anyway.
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