Humor Satire

Cancel Thanksgiving: America Needs a Year Off

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Thanksgiving may be America’s dumbest holiday: spend a fortune traveling in terrible weather, dodge hormonally confused deer, eat with relatives you’ll see again in four weeks, then celebrate gratitude by stampeding into Black Friday sales to buy more stuff you don’t need. So here’s a radical idea: cancel Thanksgiving 2026. Stay home, save your money, eat the venison already in the freezer, call Grandma, watch football, and make Christmas—the holiday that actually has religious meaning for Christians—something special. The Pilgrims survived an Atlantic crossing and a New England winter. Grandma can survive four more weeks without seeing you.

The Infantry: The Guys Who Get the Dust While Everyone Else Gets the Glory

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The cavalry gets the glory. The infantry gets the dust. For thousands of years, warfare has invented faster horses, bigger guns, tanks, aircraft, drones, and now cyber warriors—but eventually somebody still has to walk onto the objective with a rifle and take the ground. Call them ground pounders, earth pigs, grunts, soldiers, or Marines: they are the infantry. Not everyone should be one, and thank God for that. But every army needs them, because wars may be shaped by technology, artillery, armor, and airpower—but ground is still won by the poor bastard standing on it.

The Day the Blue Dot Died

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Somewhere far above the planet, an unnamed adversary (or possibly a very angry solar flare with a sense of humor) popped off an EMP that politely but firmly unplugged every satellite we’d been leaning on since the late 20th century. GPS—born in the 1970s as a military system and later handed to civilians like candy—vanished in a blink. Along with it went the internet, streaming music, weather apps, and that calm, robotic voice that had spent decades telling Americans when to turn left.

A Modest Climate Change Proposal: Melt Michigan

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For decades, Democrats have run the greatest long con in meteorological history—keeping Michigan locked in a Siberian deep freeze under the guise of “saving the planet.” This is not environmentalism. This is a communist cold-storage program. A deliberate effort to stop the natural evolution of states—where Michigan obviously becomes Florida with better beer and fewer felonies.