Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, February 10. Begin Transcript:
“Hello, Boss! Happy Wednesday!”
“What’s happy about it?”
“Oh. One of those days, huh? Well… not to worry, we have a good hearty German soup tonight, sir! Split pea and sausage!”
“Well, that sounds, um, heavy.”
“Oh, it’s delicious. I had a small cup myself before I headed down just to be sure. Good stuff. Here’s a dish of crackers, too, sir. Enjoy!”
“Oh. Well. Thanks.”
“You’ll love it, trust me! Cheer up, sir! It’s a wonderful world!”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“What’s wrong, sir?”
“Have you seen the news? Do you know what’s going on?”
“Well, lots of things, I guess. What in particular, sir?”
“The Senate is impeaching Donald Trump.”
“Yes… well… they’re holding the trial, anyway. I don’t think anyone actually thinks they’ll get 67 votes, though, sir.”
“That’s not the point. He’s out of office, out of power, and now the government is pulling him back to impeach him.”
“Yes sir, but… he’s the enemy, right? I mean, you ran against him, you don’t support him, right?”
“That’s not the point. I ran against him so I’d still be a candidate… so I’d have all the fame and protection and, uh, legal protection of being a candidate. It’s what I know how to do, you know? I’m good at it. It’s all I’ve ever done.”
“You didn’t want to run, sir?”
“I was 77 years old, what do YOU think?”
“Oh.”
“I should be retired. I should be resting. But no, they said my life would be hell unless I was a candidate. So I did what they said. And now my life is hell anyway.”
“But I thought you wanted to be President, sir?”
“When I was 50 I wanted to be president. When I was 60 I wanted to be president. I’m 78 years old. I should be sitting in my club, playing checkers with friends.”
“I see, sir. But, umm, I don’t see what that has to do with the impeachment, sir.”
“Don’t you get it? If they can impeach him after he’s left office, then they can impeach ME. They can impeach ANYONE!”
“Oh.”
“See, in politics, we all just save as many millions as we can… campaign contributions, favors, cars, whatever… so that one day, we can finally retire and never have to worry again. That’s the idea. That’s the whole plan.”
“Yes, sir?”
“But there’s a deal. It’s HANDS OFF once you retire, you know? Once you finish that last term, you get out and stay out, relax and stay out of the public eye, then nobody bugs you anymore and you can live on what you’ve, umm, saved.”
“Sounds like a pretty good gig, sir.”
“Can be… can be… but if they can go after Trump, they can go after anyone. They can go after me! The only reason I ran was because they said it would keep them from going after me, and now, I realize that I could step down after one term, retire at 82, try to enjoy the rest of my life… and they could pull me right back into it! They could ruin my reputation, take away my pension and my security … Because they’re a controlling, vindictive bunch. It’s just not fair.”
“Sir, who is this “they” you speak of, sir?”
“Huh? You know. the DNC. Pelosi. Schumer. The big guys over at Bilderberg and CFR. You know.”
“Wow.”
“That isn’t the half of it.”
“Boy, I’m sorry sir.”
“Oh, it’s not your fault. I’m just feeling well today… I hate it when I can think straight. Happens less and less…”
“What do you mean, sir?”
“Oh, just that I’m having a ‘good day’, which is bad for me because … oh, never mind. Forget i said anything.”
“I can’t just forget a conversation like this, sir.”
“Oh, sure you can, son. I certainly will. I’ll probably have forgotten I said anything, ten minutes after you leave. I certainly won’t remember this tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry, sir.”
“Oh, stop apologizing. But hey, do something for me, would ya?”
“What’s that, sir?”
“When you hear the final vote in the Senate, you let me know, right away, okay?”
“Well, sure sir, but why?”
“Because if they let him go, I’ve got a chance. But if they convict him, I’ll swing like your grandfather clock’s pendulum.”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon
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