Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, in these early months of his “administration,” an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day, as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, February 14. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, boss! Happy Saint Valentine’s Day!”
“Yeah, right back atcha. Ya got soup for me?”
“Yes indeed, sir, tomato and red pepper.”
“That sounds odd. Why that?”
“Well, I didn’t make it, you know, but my best guess is… it’s because it’s popular, it’s healthy… and they can slice a red pepper horizontally so that it looks sort of like a heart.”
“Ah. That makes sense. You do anything for Valentine’s Day?”
“No sir. Not dating anyone at the moment, sir.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“It’s the lockdowns, sir. No bars, no nightclubs, no restaurants, no theatre. No place to meet a girl, and if you did, there’d be no place to take her. So I’m just waiting for this thing to end so I can start dating again, sir.’
“Guess that makes sense, boy. It’ll all be okay soon. We’re doing a great job with the vaccine distribution. My administration will be able to boast about a pretty high percentage of vaccinations being done within the first hundred days…”
“I beg your pardon, sir? I mean, with all due respect, the previous administration can boast… but everything was already set in motion when we arrived, you know? I mean, by January 20, the approvals were in place, millions of doses were in transport, the last administration had already put together lots of arrangements…”
“Come on, Man! What are you talking them up for? I thought you worked for me!”
“Oh, I do sir, of course I do…. I was just saying… with all the concerns about vaccines in general, and the rumors that the lockdowns will continue another year or so despite the vaccines, you don’t want to be TOO completely on board with the vaccine, right? I mean, if the vaccine is perfect, and everyone gets it, then we can’t keep the economy shut down, can we?”
“No… hmm… keep talking, son…”
“Well, sir, I was just thinking, if we soften up our support for how great the vaccine is, that’ll make it easier to justify locking things down indefinitely. If we make the vaccines’ success our own, then we have no excuse for failing to open up everything immediately, right?”
“That seems to make sense.”
“But we will open Washington somehow, won’t we, sir?”
“Don’t see how we can. If we continue to keep everything else locked down, we have to lock down Washington too. It’s right in the middle of the coast, and all…”
“But I’m going out of my mind, sir! I haven’t had a date in months… It’s been a year since I’ve taken a girl to a restaurant. The way things are going, I won’t get a chance to hit the dating scene again until my hair falls out and I have a middle-aged potbelly! I want to hit the dating scene, ya know, boss?”
“Hmm.. right… I can see how you would. But remember, this is all for a reason. It’s important.”
“What reason, sir? What reason can there possibly be to keep everything locked down when the virus is no longer a threat?”
“It’s all about the donors.”
“The donors, sir?”
“Sure! You know who pays our salaries, young man? Berkshire Hathaway, and Walmart, and Amazon. All the big box stores. It’s all the big mega companies. And they aren’t ready to have competition just yet.”
“Competition?”
“Well, sure, son… who’s dying in this economy? Small businesses, fast food franchises, entrepreneurs, little shops. Who’s booming? The big delivery companies, the national big box retailers. We need to help them until their competitors have all gone out of business. Probably won’t be long now. Maybe another year or two, that’s all.”
“Another year or two, sir? We can’t survive that!”
“Oh, sure you can. You’re on the right side of the aisle, remember. You have a government job. You’ll do just fine.”
“But, but… sir… isn’t it all about safety, sir?”
“Sure it is, son. Safety. The safety of our campaign contributions. The safety of our position in power. That’s what it’s all about. Safe seats in Congress and a safe office in the executive branch. We’re doing a noble task, young man: We’re securing the government for the Democratic Party for a hundred years. That’s not something to sneeze at.”
“But, boss… when people realize nobody’s getting sick any longer, won’t it be impossible to keep them in their basements?”
“Not with me as a daily visual aide, my boy. Look at me; I still hide in my basement, wear a mask everywhere, keep social distance everywhere I go…. I’m a walking, talking advertisement for the position that the virus is still around. I can stay like this for eight solid years, and the suckers’ll fall for it.”
“But, but… sir !!! I want to DATE! I want to get out! What can I do?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry. Here, you can borrow this little black book. The numbers on pages 20 to 24 are in the Beltway area. Just tell ’em ‘The Big Guy’ sent ya.”
“Oh my. Uhhh… thank you, sir, I guess… wow… In a hundred years, I never would’ve expected this….”
“Before you start dialing though, can I have another bowl of soup?”
“Sure, sir. Certainly. Ummm…. I hope they have a lot of recipes up in the kitchen, I’m beginning to have a feeling we’ll be doing this a lot longer than I expected…”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA
1 thought on “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Episode 13”