ITEM 1: CNBC reported, “Retail sales tumbled 0.8% in January, much more than expected.”
Why shop when you can steal?
ITEM 2: Oilfield Rando tweeted, “A radical transgender illegal immigrant Bernie supporter with Free Palestine written on their firearm targets Christians and the MSM journos portray Texas gun laws as the problem.”
Oh, it’s the gun laws for sure. Texas ought to make shooting someone illegal.
ITEM 3: NYT reported, “Blaxit: Tired of Racism, Black Americans Try Life in Africa.”
Paragraph 5: “Today, a new life in Africa is open to people of varied professions who can work remotely. Immigration has been fueled by vocal proponents on social media and by government programs like Sierra Leone’s path to citizenship and Ghana’s Beyond the Return campaign; according to the Diaspora Affairs Office of Ghana, at least 1,500 African Americans moved to the country between 2019 and 2023. Despite the potential concerns for newcomers — including a wave of extreme anti-L.G.B.T.Q. policies across the continent — Black Americans are still making the trip.”
1,500.
There are 380,000 immigrants in the USA from Nigeria alone.
ITEM 4: The LA Times reported, “It was a decade ago when California became the first state in the nation to ban single-use plastic bags, ushering in a wave of anti-plastic legislation from coast to coast.”
The story also said, “According to a report by the consumer advocacy group CALPIRG, 157,385 tons of plastic bag waste was discarded in California the year the law was passed. By 2022, however, the tonnage of discarded plastic bags had skyrocketed to 231,072 — a 47% jump. Even accounting for an increase in population, the number rose from 4.08 tons per 1,000 people in 2014 to 5.89 tons per 1,000 people in 2022.
That works out to 11 pounds of plastic bags per person. 200 single-use grocery bags weigh 240 grams — a little more than half a pound. That means the average Californian goes through 4,157 grocery bags a year.
No wonder Californians are weird. They are addicted to grocery bags.
ITEM 5: NYT reported, “The White House heralded Karine Jean-Pierre as a trailblazing press secretary. But it has increasingly relied on John Kirby, a longtime Washington hand, to spread its message.”
Always keep a white male around to actually does the job once you make a DEI hire.
ITEM 6: Trump is up by 35 points over Nikki in South Carolina polling.
But Nikki is up 18 points over Biden in South Carolina.
She should have run as a Democrat.
ITEM 7: The State Record reported, “A state Senator and candidate for state Attorney General is questioning President Joe Biden’s qualifications for candidacy on the West Virginia ballot.”
As if kicking him off the West Virginia ballot would change the outcome.
ITEM 8: The Washington Examiner reported, “Rasmussen asked: ‘Which one of the following people do you respect most as a leader: Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Nikki Haley, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton or Mitt Romney?’”
Trump 42%, Biden 21%, Obama 17%, Not Sure 6%, Nikki 5% . . .
She lost to Not Sure. Rodney Dangerfield would have done better.
ITEM 9: The Jerusalem Post reported, “Corgi-sized meteor as heavy as 4 baby elephants hit Texas — NASA.”
So NASA now measures things by corgis and weighs them by baby elephants, and we wonder why we no longer can get men on the moon.
I mean, if you say the moon is 6,406,648,416 corgis away, people won’t try to get there because they know at some point they will stop and play with some of those 6,406,648,416 corgis.
ITEM 10: The New York Post reported, “Democrat fumes at Super Bowl crowd for not standing during black national anthem sung by Andra Day.”
Funny how that works. Well, some black people did own slaves.
ITEM 11: Libs of TikTok tweeted, “Meet Rachel Dolezal, former leader of the NAACP who resigned in disgrace after pretending to be black. She changed her name and is now a teacher in Catalina Foothills School District, AZ.
“She’s also very active on OnlyFans and links her OF in her public Facebook profile.”
This begs the question, why isn’t there transracial surgery? I charge the AMA with racism.
And add a scalp to LoTT’s belt. The school district fired Dolezal over her porn site sideline.
ITEM 12: Andrea Widburg reported, “Semen isn’t enough for Canada’s woke police to know if a sexual assault suspect is male.”
That should be easy because the Royal Canadian Mounted Police always get their man. Therefore, anyone they get is a man, baby.
ITEM 13: Just the News reported, “Suozzi win in NY special election further weakens slim House GOP majority.”
If they lose just one more seat, Republicans can give the speakership back to Democrats AND blame Trump at the same time. Win, win for the Party Of Romney.
ITEM 14: The College Fix reported, “Amid $14 million in budget cuts, UNH closes art museum, keeps DEI administrators.”
They also cut 75 faculty members. Well, given the lefty bias of professors, that is almost like cutting DEI.
ITEM 15: Sean Trende wrote, “The Establishment Still Doesn’t Get Trump.”
A reader replied, “The establishment does understand Trump, which is why he is hated.”
ITEM 16: BBC reported, “Kansas City shooting: One dead and 21 injured near Super Bowl parade.”
Biden and the rest leaped on gun control. If it works as well as his border control, we will all have 10 guns.
ITEM 17: Breitbart reported, “FBI Fears MS-13 Gang May Join Violent Venezuelan Gang to Terrorize New Yorkers Thanks to Open Borders.”
DC politicians say those poor El Salvadorans in MS-13 are just refugees from political oppression, i.e., President Nayib Bukele locking them up for their lives of crime.
ITEM 18: Reason reported, “A falling acorn prompted a Florida sheriff’s deputy to empty his pistol into his own patrol car, where a handcuffed suspect was sitting at the time. Another deputy also fired at the car. Amazingly, neither the suspect nor anyone else was injured. The bizarre incident, which happened on November 12 in Fort Walton Beach, led to the resignation of Deputy Jesse Hernandez three weeks later, the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office revealed on Friday.”
The acorn ain’t the only nut in that story.
ITEM 19: The New York Post reported, “Priceless treasure trove of Elton John items up for auction — including his piano, custom Bentley.”
Pah. Only 8 cylinders. I will pass.
(And yes, the mean old wife just happened to say no again.)
ITEM 20: Jeff Bezos left Washington state for Florida. Neither state has an income tax, but Washington has a 7% capital gains tax.
The media said he would save $600 million, but with a net worth of $193.9 billion, Bezos stood to lose $13,573,000,000 over time by staying in Washington. He may be bald as a billiard ball but he’s smarter than one.
ITEM 21: Speaking of the bald, the House impeached Daddy Warbucks.
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I always suspected his bodyguard, Punjab, was here illegally.
ITEM 22: RNC Research tweeted, “Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen denies Biden’s obvious cognitive decline: ‘He’s at the top of his game.’”
True because he’s always been an incompetent moron.
ITEM 23: Jens Stoltenberg of Norway, the head of NATO, blasted President Trump for criticizing NATO countries that don’t meet the requirement to spend at least 2% of their GDP on defense. America must be committed to NATO, Stoltenberg said.
How committed is Stoltenberg’s Norway? Only 1.67% of the its GDP goes to defense. If Norway does not think it is worth defending, why should we?
ITEM 24: Bloomberg reported, “NATO Allies Ramp Up Defense Budgets Amid Worries About Trump.”
That’ll show Trump who’s the boss.
Him.
ITEM 25: R A W S A L E R T S tweeted, “Idaho House Officials has just passed a bill that would allow convicted child sex offenders whose victims are were under the age of 12 to be given the death penalty.”
Relax liberals. It’s just a late, late, late abortion.
ITEM 26: CNN reported, “The Georgia election subversion case against Donald Trump and 14 of his allies took a stunning turn Thursday when two top prosecutors testified under oath about their romantic relationship at a hearing triggered by allegations of self-dealing that have the potential to derail the entire effort.
“The all-day hearing escalated steadily throughout the day, culminating with Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis taking the witness stand for a combative brawl with defense attorneys that drew several rebukes from the judge.”
The fat lady hasn’t sung in Trump’s Atlanta trial, but she sure screwed it up.
ITEM 27: The Detroit News reported, “U.S. House condemns Hamas’ use of rape as weapons of war; Tlaib votes present.”
Why did it take Congress 4 months to condemn the rapes?
ITEM 28: The Daily Mail reported, “Israeli rappers call for Dua Lipa, Bella Hadid and Mia Khalifa to be KILLED in controversial chart-topping war anthem which tells the celebrities they deserve ‘what’s coming.’”
In other words, the song is the run-of-the-mill rap song, but without the N word.
ITEM 29: Yahoo reported, “Tucker Carlson Says Trip to Russian Grocery Store Has ‘Radicalized’ Him Against US Leaders: ‘Legitimately Angry.’”
He actually found full shelves and cheap food that wasn’t under a lock and key. Politburo member Thom Tillis condemned the puppet of imperialism, Tillis, a Republican from North Carolinastan said, “Ah yes, Russia is so much better than the U.S. with all those cheap groceries and lavish subway stations! The Soviets had a term for people like Tucker: useful idiots.”
Da, comrade.
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Who needs lavish subway stations when you can have graffiti-sprayed subway cars and station platform where people camp on the floor?
ITEM 30: The New York Post reported, “Tennessee bill pushes to ban sale of cold beer to decrease DUIs.”
So they want Americans to drink warm beer like the British do. Next they will make us call the hoods on our cars bonnets and cigarettes fags.
ITEM 31: End Wokeness tweeted, “NY Judge Engoron has ordered Trump to pay $364 million to NY state in the case brought against him by AG Letitia James.
“This case had 0 victims and the banks that Trump supposedly defrauded testified in defense of Trump Hotels.”
Oh, it had a victim all right. His name is Donald Trump. This is not justice. This is confiscation.
ITEM 32: CBS reported, “Eric Idle says he’s working at 80 for financial reasons: ‘Not easy.’”
He’s not living up to his name.
ITEM 33: Breitbart reported, “The Walt Disney Company has been hit with a federal civil rights complaint alleging the company’s DEI policies are unlawful and discriminate against white American men, Christians, and Jews.”
So not only did Disney’s woke movies bomb at the box office, but they may bomb in the courtroom.
ITEM: Putin killed his top political opponent, Alexei Anatolyevich Navalny.
The Jeff Bezos Post immediately assured readers, “No, Donald Trump is not America’s Navalny” as a judge fined The Donald Eleventy Zillion Dollars for a fraud that didn’t occur.
This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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