Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue here, reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, tries to discuss the middle east with the feeble old dope…
The Song of Roland and the Bowl of Soup
Dateline June 1. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir!”
“Oh. Hello, uh…. yeah, hello.”
“You’ll never guess what we have tonight, sir. It’s called Garbure.”
“Never heard of it.”
“Neither had I. It’s French, sir. A French country soup, with beef, cheese, bread and vegetables, sir.”
“What’s it called again?”
“Garbure, sir.”
“Are there crackers?”
“Of course! Your cook wouldn’t send down a tray without crackers, sir! Right here: soup, crackers, spoon, napkins, sir. Everything you need but the accent.”
“The what?”
“Nothing, sir, I just said, ‘the accent.’ You know, the distinctive French accent, sir?”
“No idea.”
“Okay, sir, well, enjoy your soup, sir.”
“Yeah. Mmm… it’s okay. Pieces are kind of big. I don’t like cutting big pieces with my spoon.”
“Yes sir.”
“They took away my knife.”
“Yes, I heard, sir.”
“Hard to eat without a knife.”
“Well, you could hardly blame them, sir.”
“Yeah. Guess so. This tastes good though.”
“Glad to hear it, sir. It’s from the Pyrenees.”
“The what?”
“The Pyrenees, sir. The mountain range, sir.”
“I though you said it was French.”
“It is French, sir. It’s from the Pyrenees. Half the Pyrenees are in France, sir.”
“Where are the other half?”
“Well, Spain, sir.”
“Come on, man! You’re not gonna con me!”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“They couldn’t move half a mountain range!”
“No one said they did, sir.”
“You just did, you lying dogfaced pony soldier! You said only half the mountains are in France, but half the mountain range was somewhere else! You can’t con me! I know you can’t move mountains!”
“Umm, sir, nobody moved any mountains, sir.”
“You’re telling me!”
“They didn’t need to, sir. Half the mountain range is in France and half the mountain range is in Spain because the Pyrenees are the border, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Well, sure, sir… the southwest side of the range is on the Spanish side, and the northeast side of the range is on the French side.”
“Well, what’s in between, smarty pants?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“What’s in between?”
“Well, uh… Nothing, really, that’s just the border, along the middle of the mountain range, sir. Except for Andorra, of course, sir.”
“What?”
“Andorra, sir. A country in the middle of the mountain range, between France and Spain, sir.”
“What’s it doing there?”
“I don’t know what you mean, sir.”
“Where’d it come from? I never heard of it. it must be new.”
“Umm, it’s one of the oldest countries in the world, sir.”
“Come on, man!”
“It was founded as a principality by Charlemagne, sir, which makes it about 1200 years old, sir.”
“What’s it called again?”
“Andorra, sir.”
“You’re pulling my leg.”
“No, sir. Andorra. Look it up. Beautiful little country. High in the mountains. Highest capital city in Europe, in fact.”
“What language do they speak?”
“Not much, sir. There aren’t a lot of people to talk to, sir.”
“What?”
“Well, they’re formally Spanish, sir, but they speak whatever the tourists speak, sir. There aren’t a lot of people there. The country is mostly sheep, and farms, sir. So people speak what the tourists speak. Catalan, French, Spanish, Portuguese…”
“What are we talking about this for, anyway?”
“I don’t know, sir, I’m just answering your questions, sir.”
“You always turn things into political discussions, kid, and, I’m not gonna fall for it this time.”
“Rhett, sir.”
“What?”
“Rhett, sir. My name is Rhett. You called me Kid. My name isn’t Kid, sir. It’s Rhett.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“So anyway, I just brought down your soup, that’s all. I haven’t started any political discussion, though I’m happy to if you want to, sir.”
“NO! Oh no. No way. I’m tired of that. You ask tougher questions than the news media.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“That wasn’t a compliment, you lying dogfaced pony soldier…”
“Good heavens, sir. I just brought down your soup. You don’t have to bite my head off, sir.”
“How did we get on this anyway?”
“Your soup is French, sir. From the French side of the Pyrenees, so you asked about the area, sir. That’s all.”
“Nothing political about it?”
“Well, no, sir, I don’t know anything political about that end of the Pyrenees, sir.”
“Oh, so you know about the other end of the Pyrenees? What country is at the other end of the Pyrenees, smarty pants?”
“My name is Rhett, sir.”
“Oh, yeah. Rhett.”
“Well, there isn’t any country at the other end of the Pyrenees, sir.”
“Then what’s political about it?”
“Well, I suppose i could bask in the joy of talking about all the political trouble at the northwest end of the Pyrenees, but I don’t think the separatists’ current troubles would really have any relevance to our politics today, sir… at least, not our American politics today, sir.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“It’s okay, sir, I’ve gotten used to that. So it’s all right, sir.”
“Oh.”
“Of course, there’s always the Pass of Roncesvalles, though, in that part of the country, sir.”
“The what?”
“The Pass of Roncesvalles, sir. On the Spanish side of the Pyrenees, sir. Where Charlemagne’s rear guard was ambushed, sir.”
“You lost me at the pass.”
“Yes, sir, well… So did Roland.”
“Huh?”
“Charlemagne lost Roland at the pass.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The Song of Roland, sir.”
“I don’t follow music, son. I won’t know about your current songs. I know some oldies. Used to hear rock and roll on the PA system when I was a lifeguard, oh, sixty years ago or so…”
“No, sir, The Song of Roland is older than that, sir.”
“It is?”
“It’s a thousand years old, sir. You must have studied it in history class, sir.”
“You realize how long ago I took history class? I didn’t study it then; I’m sure not going to remember it now.”
“Well, that does explain something, sir.”
“What?”
“Well, sir, you know how Hamas was firing rockets almost nonstop into Israel for a few weeks there, sir? Until last weeks’ ceasefire, sir?”
“Yeah, they were shooting at each other until the ceasefire I set up.”
“Umm, well, you’re close, sir… Egypt set up the ceasefire, sir. And Hamas was shooting at innocent civilian targets in Israel, and so Israel was just responding by shooting back at military targets, primarily the launching sites of the incoming rockets, sir.”
“We need to bargain until we can get both sides to put their weapons down.”
“And you really think Hamas can be trusted to keep to a bargain, sir?”
“Well, if you negotiate a fair deal, sure!”
“The Israelis want the people in Gaza to develop into a prosperous, peaceful community. The people in Gaza want to wipe the country of Israel off the face of the earth, and take over its land. How do you expect to find peace there without any common ground, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Sir, you need to read the Song of Roland. it explains the problem, sir.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, sir, the caliph’s troops had pretty much taken over Spain by the early 700s, and Charles Martel stopped them at Tours.”
“Oh, they were vacationing?”
“What?”
“They were on a tour, huh?”
“Ummm… no, sir… just, uh, No. Tours, sir. The city of Tours. The Battle of Tours, sir. 732 AD. One of the most important battles of all time, sir.”
“Oh. Should I recognize that one?”
“Yes, sir, you should.”
“Why?”
“It’s the battle that stopped the islamic forces’ century of conquest, sir. They were trying to move through Europe, and Charles Martel stopped them at Tours, pushing them back over the Pyrenees, sir. The Saracens tried occasionally to cross the Pyrenees after that, and in this one event, sixty or seventy years later, Charles stopped them.”
“Man, he must’ve been older than me!”
“Huh? Oh, no sir… Charles Martel – Charles the Hammer – won the Battle of Tours, sir. We’re talking about Charles the Great now, his grandson.”
“Oh.”
“Charles pushed the Saracens back over the Pyrenees and was fighting them in Spain. He met with their leaders – negotiated a permanent truce with King Marsile, and then returned over the mountains to France.”
“So what’s the point? They got their truce and went home. Why are you boring me with all this?”
“Because we’re not done yet, sir. Charlemagne had to head back over the Pyrenees, remember, sir. A lot of high mountain passes. At this one point, the Pass of Roncesvalles, as soon as the bulk of Charlemagne’s army was over the pass, the Saracens ambushed Charlemagne’s rear guard, commanded by Roland. Roland and his men fought valiantly, but by the time Charlemagne’s troops heard of the battle and could get back over the mountains to assist, the Saracens had destroyed Roland’s battalion, sir.”
“I have no idea what you’re telling me this for. If this was a thousand years ago…”
“Twelve hundred, sir.”
“Whatever… then who cares? They’re all dead and gone, and forgotten by everybody but you.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that, sir. It’s the most famous epic poem of the middle ages, sir.”
“Well, I never heard of it.”
“I wouldn’t go boasting about that if I were you, sir.”
“Well, what’s your point, then?”
“The reason the poem became a minstrel tale and an important literary work in the middle ages, sir, was that it became a lesson, a lesson of military and diplomatic history, sir.”
“What?”
“Well, sir, think about it… what are the lessons that the story tells us, sir?”
“What?”
“The Song of Roland reminds us that you can’t negotiate with Saracens because they can’t be trusted; King Marsile broke the truce and had his troops attack Roland and the rear guard within a week of the ceasefire… proving that he never really meant it, even while he was signing it, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And The Song of Roland reminds us of the importance of not dividing your forces, sir. You have to stay together to win; it’s basically how we won our War of Independence, sir: no matter what else went wrong over the years, General Washington kept the Continental Army intact, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And the Song of Roland reminds us of the dangers of narrow paths and other small pieces of land; it reminds us of how dangerous it is to have an indefensible position, sir. That’s been at the forefront of Israel’s mind for over fifty years. Every time the arabs argue to return to the pre-1967 borders, sir, it’s because they want to stick Israel with an indefensible position, sir… an impossible map for Israel to defend, so that they can more easily split Israel in two, in the next war, sir.”
“But that’s just the thing! If we negotiate a good peace, then there won’t be a next war! See!”
“Sir, you’ve never studied the middle east at all, have you, sir?”
“Huh? I’ve been a committee chairman in the United States Senate!”
“Yes, sir, as I said, you’ve never actually studied the middle east, sir. it’s like my dad always says… let’s see now, I think he’s quoting Prime Minister Golde Meir here… ‘there can only be peace in the middle east when they start to love their own children more than they hate ours.'”
“That’s a good line. I think I’ll use it.”
“You might want to give attribution, sir. Your audience will know who said it first.”
“They will?”
“Yes sir, most certainly, sir.”
“Oh. Damn.”
“You really should read The Song of Roland before you discuss the peace process in the middle east anymore, sir.”
“Do you think it’s on Spotify? Or iTunes?”
“It’s not that kind of a song, sir.”
“Well, just in case, I’ll look anyway.”
“Knock yourself out, sir.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F. Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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