Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop is playing a videogame when he’s interrupted by news from Iran…
Games, Iran, and Ash-e-Reshteh Soup
Dateline: June 26. Begin Transcript:
“Hello! Who’s hungry tonight!”
“Wait a minute! Stay out! Don’t come in yet!”
“You don’t have to hide the game controller, sir. It’s after hours, nobody minds if you’re playing video games, sir.”
“I’m not! I’m not playing games! I’m working here!”
“It’s MarioKart, sir. Good game. A lot of my younger friends play it, sir. nothing to be ashamed of, sir.”
“It’s not! I mean, I wasn’t playing it! I mean, I mean, I wasn’t playing it alone. I was online. With my granddaughter.”
“Oh, well, sir, go ahead and keep talking to her, sir, don’t mind me, sir.”
“Well, no, she isn’t on… uhh, she hung up….”
“Right as I arrived, sir?”
“Umm, yeah.”
“Or did she hang up a while ago, and you kept practicing, sir? It’s okay. Who doesn’t, sir?”
“I don’t… I’m busy, you know, and…. hey, did you bring soup? What’s the soup?”
“Depends. Do you remember my name, sir?”
“I asked you first!”
“Yes sir. It’s Ash-e-Reshteh, sir. A Persian soup, sir.”
“Never heard of it.”
“It’s a Persian noodle soup, sir. Different kinds of beans and onions and spinach, sir.”
“Where does she find these things? Sometimes I think that cook is trying to kill me.”
“You’re not the first to suspect it, sir.”
“Huh?”
“But she’s not, sir. Don’t worry. I tried some upstairs. It’s good!”
“If you say so. Are there crackers?”
“Lots and lots of crackers, sir. It’s all here, as usual, sir. Soup, crackers, spoons and napkins, sir.”
“Well, can’t hurt to try it. Here goes.”
“It’s good, sir. And it’s probably my fault.”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Well, sir, last night before I left, I got to chatting with the cook, and
I don’t remember how it came up, but I mentioned how in high school, I ran for class president, and I ran for homecoming king, and I didn’t win, but you know, I ran, and that was fun…”
“So?”
“Well, so after she heard me say all that, she just said she’s never made a Persian soup, and it’s about time she did. So she probably started looking for recipes as soon as I left, sir.”
“Come on, man! What do your high school campaigns have to do with this soup?”
“I ran, sir. I ran.”
“What’s the point?”
“Iran, sir, the country, sir. You know, the country that used to be known as Persia, sir?”
“Oh, man, don’t talk about Iran today. I’m too tired.”
“Why’s that, sir?”
“Congress is yelling at me for shooting rockets at Iran. Or, at Iranian troops. Or, at Iranian allies. Or something. I’m not really clear.”
“Oh, I think I heard something about this on the radio, sir. You ordered airstrike at Iranian-backed militias or something, and Congressional leaders are angry for not consulting them, or letting them make the decision first, or something like that, right, sir?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“So what’s the problem? I’m sure you would’ve ordered it through consultation with military and intelligence advisors, right, sir?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Certainly, sir. Of course, sir.”
“Only… the thing is… ”
“What, sir?”
“Well, I don’t actually REMEMBER ordering any airstrikes.”
“You don’t, sir?”
“No.”
“Hmm… well, now… what do you think that means, sir?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, what are the options, sir? What are the possibilities, sir?”
“Well, that’s what I’m afraid of. Maybe I replied to a question clumsily, and they took it as an order to attack… or maybe I did give the order, and I forgot!”
“Do you think that’s likely, sir?”
“Well, I haven’t had a vitamin shot yet today… and my memory is better after a shot…”
“A vitamin shot, sir?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Just vitamins, sir?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Okay, sir… have you thought of a third possibility, sir?”
“Huh? Possibility of what?”
“About the airstrikes, sir.”
“What airstrikes?”
“Against Iranians, sir.”
“Oh. What about them?”
“Well, sir, the third possibility is that maybe someone had a meeting with you, and did what they wanted to do, and then said that you gave your approval… figuring that you wouldn’t trust your own memory, and you’d assume you’d given your approval, and blame your own memory rather than assume rogue operations behind your back, sir.”
“You don’t… you don’t really think.. but that would be.. uhh…”
“Disloyalty, sir, certainly…. illegal, of course… underhanded… having a rogue operation within the administration, working to act independently of your office, and maybe even to make you look bad… that would be terrible, wouldn’t it, sir?”
“Well, yeah! It’d be awful! Having your own staff undermining you. Man, I can’t imagine.”
“And it would be unprecedented, too, sir. It’s not like anything like that happened under the last administration, you know?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Oh, nothing, just thinking out loud, sir.”
“Oh. You know, this soup, it grows on you.”
“Like the Iran Deal, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Well, you’ve been trying to revive the so-called Iran deal, right?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“To reward Iran for continuing to support terrorist organizations around the world, to support and undermine our allies in the arab world, to keep threatening Israel, and to keep denouncing America on the world stage, sir?”
“Huh? Well, no… to get them to stop doing all that!”
“How does rewarding them for it get them to stop it, sir?”
“It’s not rewarding them!”
“Removing punitive sanctions so they can sell their oil without limitations, enabling them to trade freely with Europe again including multinationals with an American presence, well, sir, that sure sounds like a reward to me, sir.”
“No it’s not!”
“Well, then, I’d be interested to know, sir, what would a punishment look like?”
“Oh, sanctions, refusal of financial assistance, military attacks.”
“Do they deserve such punishment, with all their support of terrorists and insurgencies and attacks on our allies, sir?”
“Well, probably, but…”
“And instead of giving them that punishment, your regime proposes to give them western cash, a free participation in trade with the west, and a license to develop nuclear weapons, sir.”
“Well, yeah, but only as part of the framework.”
“A framework for much more of the same, sir?”
“Well, yeah, of course!”
“Yes, I see, sir. It is interesting, sir.”
“Well, you start a new administration, you need to extend an olive branch, you know. Trump didn’t do that. I’m giving them a chance to see us at our best!”
“Well, sir, under President Trump, didn’t Israel settle peace agreements with Bahrain, Sudan, Morocco and the Emirates, sir?”
“Huh? Well, I guess so, but…”
“and that helped to build a kind of joint arab-Israeli unified opposition against the Iran block, sir, right?”
“Well, you could look at it that way, i suppose, but I choose not to.”
“And in response to your taking office, sir, Iran appointed its most hardline new president in years, sir, who’s refusing to talk to you and who’s reviving the anti-American rhetoric of Iran’s past politicians, like that Ahmadinijad guy who held our Americans hostage 40 years ago, sir?”
“Now, that was never proven!”
“Yes, of course it was, sir. He’s in the pictures of the embassy takeover, sir. I read about it in history class; we saw all the pictures. There’s no doubt about it, sir. And they say this new guy Raisi is just as much of an extremist, sir.”
“How do you know all this, kid?”
“Rhett, sir. The name is Rhett. And i just listen to the news, sir. It’s not like any of this is secret. It’s just the news.”
“Well, how did you know they have a new president?”
“It was in the news, sir.”
“How could you have heard about Iran getting a new president when I didn’t?”
“Well, maybe they announced it in one of your meetings and you were napping, sir?”
“Hey, you lying dogfaced pony soldier! I don’t nap in my meetings!
“But sir, you’ve admitted to me that you do, sir.”
“Oh, did I? Oh well. Guess so.”
“Do you have anything in mind, sir, to do about the Iranian nuclear threat, sir? To force them to abandon their nuclear ambitions, sir?”
“They’re only working on it for power, not for weapons!”
“Tell me, sir, if I told you to bake a loaf of bread for lunch, but not to use it at dinner, could you obey that?”
“Well, sure. Bake the bread, eat it at lunch. What’s your point?”
“Well, sir, if you wanted to use it for dinner, in violation to our deal, could you still do it, if you wanted to?”
“Well, sure. once you have a loaf of bread, you can use it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. A loaf of bread is a loaf of bread. What’s your point?”
“Oh, I was just curious, sir.”
“Curious about what?”
“About whether you made a connection, or not.”
“Oh, no, I don’t make connections anymore. I’ve got staff for that.”
“I see, sir.”
“Huh?”
“I think you’d better enjoy your soup, sir. It’s good for you, sir.”
“Wish my family liked soup. They don’t like having soup with me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear it, sir. Not that close anymore, sir?”
“Nope, the nuclear family fell apart years ago.”
“Well, sir, so will they all, sir, if you keep it up. So will they all, sir.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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