Don Surber escorts us through this week’s news offerings from the media, if you can still call them that.
ITEM 1: An 80-year-old man shot 70—10 strokes below his age—to win the senior division title at the Bedminster golf course on Sunday.
His name? President Donald Trump.
ITEM 2: Mitch McConnell’s office said he left rehab and he will continue to work from home.
Considering how little the Senate accomplished this year, what’s the big deal?
ITEM 3: The New York Post reported, “Stephen Colbert’s daughter resigns from 60 Minutes as program grapples with talent exodus.”
Her talent is being Stephen Colbert’s daughter.
ITEM 4: Speaking of nepotism, Lisa Murkowski tweeted, “I have had numerous constructive meetings with Mr. Blanche and he comes across as decent and capable. I appreciate the trip he made to learn more about Alaska, including our rural areas, and as Acting Attorney General he has made several noteworthy decisions that will benefit our state and the nation.
“Ultimately, however, I will oppose his nomination.”
Should have slipped her a $10,000 campaign donation.
ITEM 5: Forth News reported, “U.S. Manufacturing Surges to Four‑Year High as Jobs and GDP Grow, Trump Administration Blames Tax Cuts.”
Never heard of this outlet before but the word blames means it is mainstream media.
ITEM 6: Police arrested Jennifer Lackard, a deputy commissioner Mount Vernon (NY) Police Department, at her home in the Bronx along with her 20-year-old son, Chase Lackard. They say she drove the getaway car after her son shot members of a rival gang.
Police say she coached him. Maybe he should have taken up softball instead.
ITEM 7: Just the News reported, “President Donald Trump signed two executive orders Thursday that attempt to restrict birthright citizenship and end the practice of birth tourism, in hopes of circumventing a recent Supreme Court decision.”
The Supreme Court in June decided American citizenship is worthless by giving it to everyone.
ITEM 8: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “Pin Ni, an auto executive who resides in the United States but appears to still be an active member of the Chinese Communist Party, donated $61,000 to Democratic campaigns in the second quarter of 2026, bringing the total he has given to Democrats this campaign cycle to $450,400.”
Gee, I wonder why the party is turning communist.
ITEM 9: CBS reported, “The White House on Wednesday released declassified information saying the FBI opened an investigation into whether President Trump was acting as an asset for Russia when he fired FBI Director James Comey, a theory an administration official said was not backed up by evidence.”
They should have asked Obama if he saw Trump at any meeting of Russian assets.
ITEM 10: Drudge Report reported, “Tucker Carlson may run for president.”
I did not know Qatar held presidential elections.
ITEM 11: Max tweeted:
Tucker Carlson preaches that debt is slavery, that lending at interest is the sin of usury, and that a society organized around debt “enslaves people.”
He then reads an ad for a mortgage lender and personally endorses it: “We recommend American Financing. They’re called America’s home for home loans for a reason.”
The Koran says, “Those who consume interest cannot stand [on the Day of Resurrection] except as one stands who is being beaten by Satan into insanity. That is because they say, ‘Trade is [just] like interest.’ But Allah has permitted trade and has forbidden interest… But whoever returns to [dealing in interest]—those are the companions of the Fire; they will abide eternally therein.”
Qatar’s getting its money’s worth.
ITEM 12: SFGate reported, “Mountain lions improve California road safety, new study finds.”
Yes, pedestrians move a little faster when they spot one.
ITEM 13: It turns out, the lions eat deer. 100,000 kamikaze deer hit cars in California last year.
The No. 1 state for car-deer collisions, West Virginia, asks:
Almost Heaven is really a forested petting zoo.
ITEM 14: Autopian reported, “BMW Is Showing Commercials On Their Car’s Dash Screens And They Want You To Think It’s A Treat.”
Mercedes Benz should buy ads from BMW that simply say: Buy a Mercedes and you won’t see this crap.
ITEM 15: Congressman Brandon Gill said in response to the American Bar Association, “DEI is a euphemism for racism against white Americans. It is discriminatory, it is unconstitutional, and it has no place in the legal profession.”
The ABA. White lawyers should adopt Groucho Marx’s attitude: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”
ITEM 16: Colin Wright tweeted, “Jason Arday, the Cambridge professor exposed for plagiarism and fabricating major aspects of his life story, has resigned. According to leading AI writing detection software Pangram, Arday’s resignation letter is Fully AI Generated with High Confidence.”
Why bother learning to read and write when you can cut and paste?
ITEM 17: Pollsters agreed that Allahu Akbar el-Sayad would beat Haley Stevens by 10 points in the Michigan Democrat primary. The Muslim won by one point.
Which proves experts were right when they called Iowa Poll the gold standard of polling. The Iowa Poll said Kamala would win by 3 points in Iowa. She lost by 13 points.
ITEM 18: Al Qaeda el-Sayed said, “I can’t wait to sit across RFK Jr. and actually grill him. Dude uses big words he does not understand. And I happen to go to medical school, so I kind of understand them. I’m a guy with a doctorate in medicine and in public health.”
Jill Biden with her Ed.D is more of a doctor than this physician who has never seen a patient.
ITEM 19: Voters primaried Rikki Retardo, aka Congressman Shri Thanedar, because Democrats no longer wanted a candidate who starved lab animals including beagles and monkeys.
Plus he is dumber than Hank Johnson and the Black Caucus resents that.
ITEM 20: Photo Op of the Week.
“I don’t want him to be Biden and fall off this thing.”
The flip side to you don’t hate the media enough is you don’t love this president enough.
ITEM 21: The Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee voted 8-5 to hold Tony the Phony Fauci in contempt of court. The matter will go to DOJ, bypassing a full Senate vote.
I am shocked. Chairman Rand Paul finally did something.
ITEM 22: “Trump deportations cost U.S. taxpayers $2,358 each”—Axios.
Biden’s importations cost Laken Riley her life.
ITEM 23: Fox tweeted, “Mayor Zohran Mamdani was booed off stage Tuesday night while attending one of the city’s biggest pro-police celebrations on Staten Island.”
Now we know his religion. He’s a booed hiss.
ITEM 24: The Street reported, “Study reveals cognitive decline linked to drinking Diet Coke daily.”
The study did not specify Diet Coke. It was about sweeteners. But you-know-who drinks them and idiots only read the headline.
ITEM 25: A college student created a storm when he tweeted, “A burrito shouldn’t cost $20.”
They don’t. Taco Bell sells them for $1.49 to $6.29. A little explosive diarrhea is a small sacrifice for cheap grub.
ITEM 26: After Sophie Cunningham said men don’t belong in women’s sports, the WNBA rallied around the flag—the LGBT flag. WNBA star Gabby Williams said, “I would welcome a trans athlete on my team or against my team.”
The next day, retired NBA star Enes Freedom filed a legal declaration for the 2027 WNBA Draft. Good luck guarding her—all 6’10 and 250 pounds of her.
THE BEST OF TWITTER.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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