Everything Bad I Learned in Kindergarten

Everything Bad I Learned in Kindergarten: 30 years ago Robert Fulghum published “All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” with the syrupy sweet and too cute to criticize aphorisms taught to five year olds. Nothing wrong with that. But, it omits the dark lessons learned in childhood. Perhaps, we should taste the salt, even the bitter medicine, as well as the sugar, young in life.

I went to kindergarten in San Antonio, Texas and Memphis, Tennessee back when “Father Knows Best” was on TV. The first order of the day in the Methodist kindergarten was to sing the “Eyes of Texas”, “America”, and “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” Putting Texas, America, and God in their proper ranking was odd, but it’s worth mentioning as a lesson learned. Sometimes, things are different in different places. Big, important things are different. Noted.

• Bullies Are Cruel. I was one of the smallest boys in my classes until my end of the 10^th grade’s growth spurt. I was tiny in Kindergarten. There were bullies there and at every step of life. They are real. They are cruel. They always overplay their hand. They are usually cowards inwardly. The best way to deal with a bully is to punch them in the face. As hard as you can. Even if you lose the fight that follows, the bully stops picking on you. And, others take note too.
• Evil Exists. Bad things happen. Some people are mean. Not just the bullies. They choose to think, say, and do bad things. A kid will trip you just to laugh at you falling. A mean kid is especially pleased if you get hurt enough to cry.
• Mean People Succeed. Sometimes a kid will steal your cookie and eat it fast. If you tell the teacher, he’ll deny it and you can’t prove otherwise. He’ll act innocent and win. He’ll smirk at you later. There’s nothing you can do to fix it. If you hit him, you’ll be in trouble.
• Some People Cheat. Some kids will look at other’s papers when we’re learning the alphabet, numbers, and colors. The teacher doesn’t see them. They get away with cheating.
• Your Best Isn’t Good Enough. On field day back then, only blue, red, and white ribbons were awarded. You might try you best and not win a single ribbon. Your best didn’t win or place. It doesn’t mean don’t try, but that all your work may come to nothing recognized by others.
• Authorities Can Be Fooled. Children can trick the teachers and do. Especially, if there is a substitute teacher. All the kids know there are no exceptions to mandatory 15 minute naptime. But, the teacher can be fooled and someone gets to color instead.
• Authorities Can Be Wrong. Because “teacher says”, it isn’t necessarily so. Babies aren’t delivered by the stork. The good guys don’t always win. And, of course, you know about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus. Reality, truth, and what’s appropriate aren’t the same things. Sometimes, authorities deliberately say things they know aren’t right.
• You Have to Do It. Many, many times, you have to do what you don’t want to do. All those winter clothes that wrap you like a mummy and make you walk like a robot – have to be worn. Naps have to be taken, even if you aren’t the slightest bit sleepy. You have to stand in many lines. Sometimes, in the tyranny of alphabetical order. Or, based on your gender. The rest of life is a litany of things you have to do – that you really don’t want to do. From the inconvenient to the unbearable, life demands obedience.

So, you see, the bad things which are part of all you need to know in life can be learned in kindergarten.

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