Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, in these early months of his “administration,” an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, February 18. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, boss! How’s it going, sir?”
“Oh, as well as can be expected. You have soup for me?”
“Yes indeed, sir! Cream cheese, potato and bacon soup, sir.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“No, sir… cream cheese, potato and bacon soup, sir.”
“I’ve never heard of it. Cream cheese in a soup? Really?”
“Oh yes sir. Quite popular in Philadelphia, sir.”
“Oh. Well, I’ll be…. Guess I’ll try it… Hmmm…. Mmm… not bad…”
“Glad to hear it, sir!”
“I was really in the mood for something Tex-Mex though, to tell you the truth.”
“Oh? Well, I can let them know in the kitchen… maybe they could make chili, or a steak and tortilla, or something like that next time, sir?”
“That’d be nice.”
“Any particular reason why TexMex is on your mind, sir?”
“Well, we’ve had a couple meetings today about an Arizona case going before the Supreme Court. They wanted to talk over what changes the administration should make to Trump’s involvement last fall.”
“Oh, I see, sir. You have a different position on it then?”
“Come on, man! I have a different position on EVERYTHING from them… don’t you?”
“Oh, yes, sir, of course, sir.”
“Yeah, so it’s an Arizona case, where Arizona didn’t want folks to be allowed to vote.”
“Oh, I know that case, sir. Yes, we studied it in my night class at law school, sir. They said it was an interesting case, sir.”
“What’s interesting about it? People want to vote, Republicans don’t want them to vote. That’s all there is to it.”
“Well, sir, begging your pardon, but… I wouldn’t quite say that, sir… it’s a matter of whether or not the state legislatures are to set the rules of their elections, as required by the Framers at the Constitutional Convention.”
“The what?”
“The Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia, sir. where they wrote the Constitution, sir. You know, in 1787, sir. At Independence Hall in Philadelphia, sir.”
“Whaddaya mean?”
“Well, sir, this case – the Arizona case – is limited to simple points of contention like absentee ballot, sir. It’s limited to mail-in and absentee ballots, sir. If people wanted to vote by mail-in or by absentee, the law said, you needed to either mail it yourself so it’s in the hands of the post office, or a family member could take it and mail it. That’s all. Nobody else could take it in, sir. Nobody else could be an unknown middleman between the voter and the mailbox, sir. That’s the Arizona law, sir.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that? Nothing wrong with that.”
“Yes sir, I think everyone agrees that there’s nothing wrong with that, sir.”
“So then what’s the big deal?””
“Well, sir, one political party sent in their people all over the state to collect ballots from people – not relatives, not caretakers, just party and campaign folks – to go around, door to door, workplace to workplace, park to park, or whatever – and collect people’s ballots for them, sir.”
“Well, that’s nice of them, isn’t it.”
“Well, it may seem nice, sir, but … I think the point is, sir… if they’re not your family, they might change the vote, they might check it to see if they agree with it and spike it if they don’t, they might see if you left out any races and add votes if they didn’t agree on any, I mean, there’s a lot a person can do to a ballot, sir, if they’re crooked, sir.”
“Why would anyone be crooked?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Well, I mean, the Republicans seem to always think that people are crooked. Why are they always suspicious? Why do they always think people are committing crimes?”
“Well, sir, because crimes are being committed, sir. There are thousands of robberies, muggings, beatings, rapes, and murders every day, sir. So if the Republicans think there are a lot of criminals out there, well, sir, they have a point.”
“Aw, that’s crazy. I know lots of people and they’re not criminals.”
“Well, sir, a lot of people are, sir.”
“Why do you think there are so many criminals?”
“Well sir, there ARE a couple million people in jail at any given moment, sir. That’s a lot of criminals.”
“Yeah, but they’re in jail, right? So they CAN’T be the ones committing crimes!”
“Well, uh, yes sir… so that means that there are other criminals who aren’t in jail committing crimes, sir.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, sir, if crimes are being committed, then there must be criminals to commit them. So that must mean that not all the criminals are in jail, sir. There must be people out free who are criminal too.”
“Not necessarily.”
“How do you mean, sir?”
“Well, maybe the crime aren’t being committed by criminals! You ever think of that?”
“I … beg your pardon, sir?”
“Maybe all these other crimes aren’t being committed by criminals, so the Trump administration was jumping to conclusions assuming there was crime out there.”
“Ummm, if crimes aren’t being committed by criminals, then who’s committing them? Ghosts? Extraterrestrials? Sci-Fi Mannequins?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know who’s committing the crimes, I’m just saying it might not be the criminals. Maybe there should be a study.”
“I see sir. Well… the Republican point was just that if people are allowed to handle somebody’s vote, other than the voter himself, then there’s a risk of tampering or spiking or replacement going on so that the voter’s intent actually doesn’t get counted. Surely you admit it’s a reasonable concern, sir.”
“No! What right do they have to stop us from helping people vote? We’re just trying to let every vote be counted, and the Republicans are trying to stop us!”
“Umm… no, sir, I wouldn’t say that… I’m not a Republican or anything, but it sounds to me, like…. the Republicans just want to make sure that the voter’s own intent is what’s reflected in the count, and there are lots of ways – with mail in and absentee ballots – for the voter’s intent to be discarded, if somebody else has access to the ballot, sir.”
“Well, we just want to help people vote!”
“I understand that, sir. But what if we’re helping other people to change their votes?”
“All the better!”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Well, you know, maybe their votes need to be changed.”
“You mean maybe the people in office need to be changed, right?”
“No! I mean what I say I mean! Sometimes a vote needs to be changed.”
“How’s that, sir?”
“Well, you know, sometimes a black guy or a hispanic gal accidentally marks a ballot for a Republican. If their eyes are bad, or something.”
“Yes sir?”
“Well, then they’d need somebody to correct the mistake, right?”
“Umm,,, sir, maybe they MEANT to vote for the Republican.”
“Come on, man! I was saying a black guy or a hispanic gal!”
“Well, sure, sir, they might vote Republican, sir. Blacks vote about 15% Republican… Hispanics vote around 35 or 40% Republican…”
“What’s your point?”
“Well, sir, I’m just saying, respectfully sir, that maybe it’s not a mistake.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you know, sir, a certain percentage of the time, they do vote Republican, on purpose.”
“See! You admitted it yourself.”
“Errr…. What, sir?”
“That sometimes even the most dependable demographics make a mistake. And need to be changed.”
“Well, sir, if a voter votes a certain way on purpose, we can’t go around changing their ballots, sir.”
“Why not? We’re in power. We run the elections. That’s what we’re here for.”
“Ummm… no, sir, I wouldn’t say that, sir.”
“Oh, what would you say?”
“Well sir, I’m just going out on a limb here, sir, but …. Isn’t our job to help facilitate a fair and honest election, sir?”
“Hahahahahahahahahaha.”
“Well, errr, sir, I meant, our government’s policy should be to let the voter vote his conscience, and protect him from having his vote stolen, right???”
“Hahahahahahahahahaha….”
“Umm, sir, I’m sorry, but I’m lost, sir. Surely our party’s position can’t be to allow strangers to handle an honest American vote, right, putting it in jeopardy of some kind of cheating, sir, right?”
“It’s not cheating if they just fix a mistake, son.”
“But what if it’s on purpose?”
“Then fixing it is on purpose too.”
“But what if the black guy is a Republican?”
“Oh, come on, man! If you’re Republican, you ain’t black…”
“Sir… umm… You’re not in FAVOR of that practice yourself, are you, sir?”
“Whatever works, young man. Whatever works. It’s all about finding whatever works.”
“Oh. I see, sir. I think I’ll go fire up my computer, sir.”
“Oh, why?”
“To watch some old W.C. Field movies, sir.”
“What for?”
“Because, sir, on the whole, I’d much rather be in Philadelphia.”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon
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