The Mars probe, Curiosity is currently on our planetary neighbor conducting scientific research. After doing a chemical analysis of soil samples, it delivered some shocking results to the scientists back on Earth – the ones not tied up rewriting the biology books anyway. It discovered that conditions on the red planet could have supported life in the distant past.
That answers the question of why we haven’t been attacked by now. I grew up on 1950s sci-fi flicks. The Martians should have at least attacked us, before we beat them back with a virus. Hmm… COVID leaked from a weapons lab. That can’t be a coincidence. Maybe the Chinese were prepping for interplanetary war. But if Mars had life, why isn’t it still alive – making war on all of its neighbors? Did the Martians do themselves in before they got around to doing the Earthlings in?
Perhaps the Martians had a bartender with an economics degree and way too much time on her hands who proposed a “green new deal” – sorry, “red new deal”? Were they as concerned about climate change a few million years ago, as we are now? I mean, greenhouse gases could have catastrophically raised their average temperature above its current -250°F or so. They might have been able to – gasp – grow crops. What a disaster that would have been. It might have turned their whole planet into flyover country.
Maybe they sent one of the kids over to Alpha Centauri to hit up Redbox for a copy of “An Inconvenient Truth” (because we all know Al Gore stole it from somewhere else) and used it as a self-help lecture. Did they dutifully turn Mars into a socialist paradise? Scientific consensus has held for some time that the only way to fix the climate is to eliminate personal freedom first. If that’s what they did, the Martians would have predictably run out of other people’s money to spend – and zoo animals to eat – eventually. If their government wasn’t any more successful at getting little green men to eat little brown bugs than ours has been, maybe they just starved to death and their civilization crumbled and blew away in the wind – as all socialist experiments do. “Dust to dust” is in everyone’s future. But socialism makes the process happen a tad more quickly than usual.
Did the Martians die of simple stupidity – or is that a uniquely human manner of death? Maybe the Martians decided to convert to a battery-based energy economy – because that’s what the cool kids were doing a couple of million years ago. Of course, the problem is that batteries are not an energy source. They’re an energy storage device. It turns out you still need to get energy from somewhere else to charge the batteries! Who knew? Certainly not our scientific geniuses: Gavin Newsom, Joe Biden, Greta Thunberg, or Michael Moore.
Missing that little detail is a total rookie mistake that all politicians make – because they’re better at making problems than they are at solving them – all of them except Donald Trump anyway. Had the Martians stuck around for a few million years they could have learned from our misadventure – and gotten a few good laughs in the process. I wonder if ancient Martians liked popcorn.
Did the Martians have an uncompromising sense of charity and opened their planet to space invaders, not realizing that invaders – you know – invade? Maybe they came to believe that walls – sorry, force fields – are immoral, except when used around politician and billionaire homes. The Martians may have died from the painful affliction of virtue signaling. As their planet was stripped of its resources, maybe they simply marched proudly into their good night, knowing that they had sacrificed their civilization for a good cause – looking sanctimonious.
But don’t forget, Mars is the god of war. Maybe Mars had a bunch of warriors of the social justice variety that did them in. Perhaps they learned as we have, that the universal way to fight social inequity is to promote social unrest. Did they release all their criminals because of “disparate impact.” Green lives matter (GLM) you know?
Is it possible that the chaos from a war on social injustice caused the productive Martians to move somewhere else because the red planet had become unlivable? Maybe we should call it the blue planet. Is it possible they all left just before Curiosity got there.
Our unmanned probe did find a DVD of a CNN broadcast announcing that the United States is welcoming aliens. That sounds like an invite to space aliens – right? Just load up the family anti-gravity ship, fly to the third planet from the sun, land at the nearest U.S. border patrol station, demand asylum, and get a free travel voucher to wherever they wish. They heard the weather in Austin is warm and it has a great music scene. That may explain the recent sudden increase in UFO sightings – the ones that aren’t Chinese balloons anyway.
Unfortunately, the Austin city council has decided that they’ve reached their “keep Austin weird” limit. Greg Abbott is threatening to play Slim Whitman’s “Indian Love Call” 24/7 if the aliens – sorry, planetary migrants – don’t voluntarily board the busses bound for California. [If you don’t get the music reference, you’re not a true sci-fi aficionado. Watch this for remediation.]
Luckily, if the Martians arrive in California during Pride Month, nobody will even notice – though we may need to come up with a few more “identify as” categories. The scientists rewriting the biology books can add that to their “to do” list.
And the most important question of all: Is the current state of Mars our destiny? A few years from now, what will a probe from Alpha Centauri find if it happens to land in the former location of San Fransisco? Will it transmit back that the coastal area of 37.8°N, 122.4°W probably supported life in the distant past? Will Centaurian scientists be wondering what misguided stupidity could have turned such a beautiful, resource rich place, into such a vast wasteland?
Author Bio: John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Idaho. He has written for American Thinker, and American Free News Network. He can be followed on Facebook or reached at greenjeg@gmail.com.
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