Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds… even on holidays…
Dateline, March 17. Begin Transcript:
“Happy St Patrick’s Day, Boss!”
“Oh, right. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Have a good holiday, sir?”
“Oh, it’s not really a holiday here, you know…. no parade, no day off. Still meetings, calls… you know.”
“Oh, yes sir. Of course, sir. Just another Wednesday, but with more green, right?”
“Huh? Oh, yes. Right. Wednesday but green.”
“Well, sir, I have your soup. The cook’s really proud of herself. Check it out, sir: corned beef and cabbage soup!”
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
“No, sir, it’s real. She found a soup that’s designed to taste like a soup version of corned beef and cabbage. Beef, potatoes, and cabbage in a beef stock, sir. I had some upstairs, sir… it really works!”
“Hmm… you know, you’re right, this isn’t bad… it reminds me… I wonder why this is… somehow, it reminds me of my childhood in Scranton.”
“Scranton, sir?”
“Yes, I grew up there. Born and raised in Scranton, sir. I’m a Scranton boy. Did you know I was from Scranton?”
“Oh, well, sir, Scranton, huh? Fancy that.”
“Yup. People think of me as just being from Delaware, but I’m a Scranton boy to begin with! Just an old Irish Catholic kid from Scranton who made good.”
“Irish Catholic, sir?”
“Yes indeed!”
“You know, sir, I’ve been wondering about that, sir.”
“About what?”
“Well, not me actually, but my folks, mostly…”
“What’s that, son?”
“Well, sir, my folks asked me … if there was ever time, you know… they said they know you’re busy… but if I ever get a chance, if I could ask you something, sir…”
“Mmm… this is good soup. Really is. I didn’t expect it to be. It’s good. Tell the cook.”
“Yes sir, be happy to, sir. So, well, sir, what I was wondering, sir, is… let me make sure I’m clear on this now, you’re Irish Catholic, right?”
“Yup! First one here since JFK!”
“Oh. Okay, well, then, what my folks wanted me to ask is… obviously then, part of your reason for seeking the office was to fix some of the things that are wrong, right?”
“Oh yes. Fix what’s wrong, that’s why we’re here. To fix what’s wrong. This is good soup. Doesn’t really even need crackers.”
“Well, sir, so then, how are you planning on using your power to fix things like the war on police, sir?”
“The what?”
“The war on police, sir? My parents said there’s a war on police… trying to defund big city police departments, trying to deny police the right to due process when criminals accuse them, trying to make police go around defenseless, letting thugs go without even bail after police have risked their lives to catch them, that sort of thing, sir.”
“Huh? What does that have to do with being Irish?”
“Well, sir, you know, Irish Americans have dominated a lot of America’s police departments for a hundred years or more, sir… New York, Boston, Chicago, Philadelphia… you know, being a policeman is practically the official profession of an Irishman in America, sir.”
“Huh? I don’t understand…”
“So my parents said, sir, this would be a good day to ask about it, sir. They said you must be doing something about this… if you’re really Irish, you’d be doing something to protect the Irishmen on the beat from the gangs and the crooked pols, you know, sir?”
“Oh, well, son.. uh, I can’t really say anything about that. I think there are some bills about that in the House… I’ll uh, I won’t really be able to address that until it comes up. That’s how it works.”
“Oh, I see. Well, then, they also said I should ask, what about the obamacare fix? They couldn’t get it fixed under Trump, so with you up here now, they figure, you’re surely gonna be able to fix it. right?”
“Uh, I don’t know what you mean….”
“Sir, it’s the obamacare thing… you know, how it’s forcing convents to buy insurance that’s designed to do all sorts of things they don’t do… My parents said, it’s making sisters in convents have to pay for insurance for all sorts of stuff like sex changes and birth control and stuff like that, you know, things that nuns would never use, and don’t approve of, you know, so apparently before obamacare, convents could just meet with an insurance salesman and get coverage for the things that they wanted to get coverage for, and they wouldn’t be forced to get coverage for anything they don’t want coverage for, you know? So, my parents said, since it’s St Patrick’s Day and all, to tell you that they’re counting on you to fix that, because you know, an Irish Catholic would, sir, you know?”
“What does this have to do with St Patrick’s Day?”
“Well, most nuns are Irish, sir?”
“I don’t think so…”
“Well, they sure are where I come from, sir!”
“Well, ah, I guess that’ll have to be later… we’ll be looking at healthcare, umm, later.”
“Oh. Well, thank you, sir…”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, and sir…”
“What?!”
“Well, sir, they said to ask about the churches, sir.”
“What about the churches?”
“Well, sir, you know, sir, how a lot of governors and big city mayors have spent the last year closing down churches, sir.”
“What? That’s the virus! That’s a public health situation!”
“Well, yes sir, but still, they denied Catholics’ first amendment right to go to church, sir… I mean everybody, you know, but my parents said to point out that, you know, it’s Catholics too, sir…. First time in American history that Christians have been forced to stop going to church, sir. My parents said…”
“Look, why are you asking me???”
“Well, sir, I’m just speaking on behalf of my parents, sir…”
“Okay, why are THEY asking me? You said yourself, boy, it’s a state and local issue. If you disagree with a governor or a mayor, take it up with them, darn it… I’m trying to eat my soup.”
“Well, my parents said you might say that, so they said to point out that these are all Democrats, and you’re the head of the Democratic Party now, so you could stop them. They said, it’s more of a party thing than a federal-vs.-state thing, you know, sir? They said to point out that it’s a matter of what the Democratic party stands for, and that 50 years ago, if a Democratic politician called for shutting down churches, he’d have been forced to resign immediately… now that it’s gotten so bad, now that we have an Irish Catholic in the office, you know, they just know you’ll put your foot down, and put an end to it, sir. I mean, you must have an affinity to Catholic priests, you know? They’re all Irish!”
“They are not!”
“Well, they are where I come from…”
“Oh brother,.”
“Well, sir, will you be using your power to put an end to that, and open up the churches again, sir? It’s what a real Irish Catholic would do, after all, sir…”
“No, look, that’s out of my hands, I can’t do anything about that. Ah, I’m just… I’m just trying to eat my soup here. You think… your parents think… that I have more power than I do… I really don’t….
“And then there’s abortion.”
“Come ON, Man!!!”
“Well, sir, they said, nobody in his right mind would keep on running for office at 78 if he wasn’t motivated by an issue, by a big issue, maybe, by the biggest issue, you know? They thought, maybe he ran so he can free the Democratic Party from its ties to the abortion lobby, sir!”
“What???”
“Well, you know, sir, they said, you know how the Democrats have been championing abortion-on-demand for years, even demanding taxpayer funding of abortion domestically, even putting it in foreign aid so it’s like we’re telling foreign countries that they’d better increase abortions or we’d stop supporting them… just horrible things, sir… I’m sure it’s all an exaggeration, sir… I’m sure it’s not really that bad, sir, but you can see how a person would see it that way, sir…. Between the increases in abortion funding and booing God at national conventions… I mean, my parents said, if he’s an Irish Catholic, he must have made this is mission, he must be working from the inside to fix all this, to end the blasphemy and other sacrileges, to put an end to all this anti-Catholic stuff… because a real Irish Catholic wouldn’t put up with any of that… you know what I mean, sir?”
“This is good soup.”
“Sir? Sir??? Sir !!! ? I’m sorry to take up so much time, sir, but could you please….. well sir, could you possibly give me a message to bring back to my parents, sir? They said you just must be doing something, and they’d feel so much better about everything if you could just reassure them, you know? If you could give me a positive message that you’re going to tackle these issues, sir. I mean, after all, sir… what good is the office if you don’t do anything with it, sir, you know?”
“Mmmm…”
“Sir?”
“Mmmmmm…”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Mmmmmmmm………”
“Sir? SIR !!! Sir, are you awake, sir?”
“Mmmm… yeah… hello…”
“Sir, the question was, as an Irish Catholic, sir, this being St Patrick’s Day and all, sir… will you be addressing these sorts of issues, sir? You know, appointing judges who are pro-life… vetoing bills that put taxpayer funding into things like church closures and abortion… reading the party the riot act over their anti-Christian, illegal actions… and drumming the worst governors and mayors out of the party, for their attacks on police and their illegal shutdowns of churches, sir…”
“Mmmm…”
“Sir?”
“Mm hmm? Oh sorry… dozed off… you were saying, son?”
“Well, sir, will you be making use of the office to do the right thing, sir, and behave like a real Irish Christian, for once, sir?”
“Mmm… oh, I don’t know about that… I’m awfully tired… but you know what I was wondering, son?”
“What’s that, sir?”
“Is there any soup? I could really use some nice soup tonight….”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon.
His latest book, “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three,” was just published in November, 2023.
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