Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, March 27. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! How’s your Saturday?”
“I don’t know. How should it be?”
“Well, sir, spring is here but it’s still cold, so we have a nice hot Chinese soup for you. Chinese Beef Noodle Soup. I had some upstairs, and it’s great!”
“Oh, that sounds good. Just what I need today.”
“Why, sir? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Just more trouble where we don’t need it. Korea yelled at me today.”
“Which one, sir, North or South?”
“Huh?”
“Which Korea yelled at you, sir, North Korea or South Korea?”
“Umm, uh, they didn’t say…”
“Well, sir, was it about sanctions and national defense, or was it about international trade issues like transpacific commerce, sir?”
“Oh, umm… what was the first one?”
“Sanctions, national defense, military things, missiles, war, sir?”
“Umm, yeah, I think that’s it. They talked about missiles.”
“Oh, was this about those missiles that North Korea test fired the other day, sir?”
“Yeah, I think that’s it. They said something about a missile… So that’s North, right?”
“Yes sir.”
“I always get them mixed up.”
“How, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, they have nothing in common… South Korea is a booming, successful, capitalist country, with a modern, western economy… North Korea is a totally locked-down communist dictatorship. What could be more different, sir?”
“Oh, well, I meant, uhh… besides that.”
“I see, sir.”
“They were offended by something I said. Can’t imagine why.”
“Well, sir, you do have a habit of saying things that offend people. I mean, I suppose, people should be used to it by now…”
“Yeah, that’s right, they should. I mean, I’ve been talking in public for fifty years…”
“Pretty much non-stop, sir.”
“Yeah… shouldn’t that have given them enough notice that they shouldn’t pay attention to what I say?”
“Interesting argument, sir…”
“Well, I mean, I talked to the North Koreans back during the Obama administration…”
“And we nearly got into a war then, sir…”
“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. We did, didn’t we? So, uh, all the more reason… they shouldn’t care what I say, I never really mean anything…”
“Good to know, sir.”
“Fat little jerk always causing trouble for us. As if we didn’t have enough trouble already.”
“Well, sir, what did you do to defuse the situation last time? Do you remember, sir?”
“Hell no. All I remember is that four years ago when we left office, we thought North Korea was the powder keg. We were pretty sure it was gonna be the next big war. Barack warned … umm… what’s his name… uh…”
“President Trump?”
“Right, that’s it! Trump… Barack warned Trump. He said that was the big problem. No way to calm down this little jerk. He’s just permanently on a hair trigger.”
“And then Trump acted tough for a little while at the beginning, made Kim fear him, and Kim basically behaved for the rest of the time, right, sir?”
“Well, umm, yeah, come to think of it… yeah.”
“Maybe you could ask Mr. Trump to come back and be a special envoy to North Korea for you, and do it again, sir?”
“Are you on drugs?”
“Uh, no, sir, not on drugs sir, no.”
“I can’t hire Trump as an envoy.”
“Because he wouldn’t succeed, sir?”
“No, because my own party would run me out of town on ahh, umm, what’s that called…”
“Rail, sir?”
“Well, of course I’m for real!”
“No, sir, I meant, Rail… as in … run you out of town on a rail, sir?”
“Oh, yeah. Right.”
“I see, sir.”
“No, this is one I’ve gotta do myself.”
“Good for you, sir. So how are you going to do it, sir?”
“Well, ah, I’m not sure yet. Gonna have to talk with my advisors.”
“Um, sir, those are the same advisors from the Obama administration that you rehired, right, sir?”
“Right.”
“The same ones who left you afraid that we were on the brink of war with North Korea, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, good luck with that, sir. Enjoy your soup.”
“Oh yes, this is good soup. Chinese, right?”
“Yes, sir, Chinese.”
“Good soup.”
“China’s been in the news today too, hasn’t it, sir?”
“Oh? Why?”
“Well, sir, a recently departed CDC expert was in the news talking about the China Virus, sir.”
“What virus?”
“You know, sir, the China virus, or Wuhan Flu, or Coronavirus, or Covid-19… people call it a million things… the pandemic, you know.”
“Oh, right. Covid. Pandemic. Right.”
“Well, sir, I was wondering, did you folks have any discussions about that today, sir? It’s been all over the news; people are probably waiting for the administration to address the issues he raised, you know, sir?”
“What issues?”
“Well, you know, sir, that the virus most probably was developed in the Wuhan biological weapons lab and escaped into the public, sir.”
“It did?”
“Well, sir, it’s the theory. Surely you’ve heard that theory, sir?”
“Bats.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Bats. I heard it was bats.”
“Umm… that was the official line that China spread at first in the hope of deflecting attention from their bioweapons lab…. but you didn’t believe that, did you sir?”
“Bats.”
“Beg your pardon, sir?”
“Bats. All about bats.”
“Even China isn’t particularly pushing that theory anymore, sir… I think people assume they just said it at first to deflect attention from the lab, sir.”
“Baseball season’s coming up.”
“Beg your pardon, sir?”
“Baseball. Bats. Baseball bats. They go together.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but…”
“Baseball season. Take me out to the ball game. Bats and balls, caps and gloves. Home runs. That’s America.”
“Well, yes, sir, but…”
“Played baseball when I was a boy, in Scranton. Did you know I grew up in Scranton?”
“Well, fancy that, sir.”
“Yup, Scranton. Couple hours north of Philly. And we’d play little league, and high school ball… good old wooden bats. Louisville sluggers.”
“Yes sir.”
“Nobody in Scranton ever tried to eat a baseball bat, I can tell you that. We weren’t stupid. Might not have been rocket scientists, but we sure weren’t stupid. Never tried to eat a bat… not raw, not cooked, not gently braised, not served in soup… never!”
“Umm, sir, you know the bats they talk about in China are a different kind of bat, right, sir?”
“Different?”
“The flying rodent kind, sir?”
“Oh?”
“Little mouse with wings, basically, sir?”
“Oh?”
“Fangs and claws and wings, sir?”
“Oh?”
“You must’ve seen bats at some point, sir… Vampire movies, sir? Vampire bats? They live in trees and caves and attics and roofs, and fly around and get caught in people’s hair sometimes?”
“Come on, man!”
“No, really, sir… that’s the kind of bats we’re talking about here. The kind that Dracula turned into in the legends, sir.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They said that people made soup out of that kind of bat, sir. Not baseball bats, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So anyway, sir, the story in the news yesterday, sir, was that a former CDC official named Robert Redfield said that he believes it’s likely that the virus came from the Wuhan bioweapons research lab, sir.”
“Well, why should we listen to a guy who hangs out in seedy seas anyway?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“These pirates of the Caribbean types can’t be trusted. I wouldn’t listen to a word they said about their seedy seas.”
“Um, sir, it’s the CDC, sir. The Centers for Disease Control. That’s the CDC, sir. It’s an acronym, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So, sir, his interview put the issue back in the news, and people are wondering if the administration is going to say anything about it, sir.”
“About what?”
“About whether the virus came directly from bats, or if it might have escaped from the Wuhan lab, sir.”
“Well, what’s the evidence? Why should we think it came from some Chinese lab?”
“Well, sir, the virus first appeared in patients within a block of the Wuhan lab, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And that is exactly the kind of virus that the Wuhan bioweapon lab was known to be studying, for years and years, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And that lab had been written up for really bad security, sir.”
“Oh.”
“In fact, sir, the lab had been accused of being a dangerous lab to do that kind of research, and the WHO had a file on them a mile long due to complaints that they weren’t properly cautious about their lab samples, about the animals they experimented on, etc, sir. They were basically called out as being an accidental viral release waiting to happen, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So naturally, sir, as that kind of news has gotten out over the past year, plus news like how the USA’s own CDC has paid the Wuhan lab millions of dollars in research funding… well, sir, people are asking questions, you know, sir?”
“Well, uhh, wow.”
“Yes sir. I guess, sir, I was just figuring you’d be doing something about it, you know, sir? Now that the charge is back in the open again, I figure your team is probably working on various plans for how to respond to the charge, and what to do about it if it’s determined that it’s true, sir.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, sir, the Chinese knew about it in the late fall of 2019, and they didn’t announce it publicly until almost the Chinese New Year, sir, so people are suspicious that the Chinese intentionally suppressed the knowledge until they were done with their year’s manufacturing targets, possibly at the loss of countless lives, sir.”
“Why?”
“Well, sir, because Chinese New Year is when they all travel, sir, both across China and all over the world, sir.”
“So?”
“Well, sir, so, if it did originate in a Wuhan lab, and the information was intentionally suppressed for months, and then they let millions of infected people fly all over the world on vacation… well, sir, then it’s both a massive violation of WHO regulations (as both a signatory and an approved lab), and it’s also basically an act of war, sir. Practically an act of war against the whole world.”
“Oh.”
“So, well, sir, I was figuring, sir, you’ll have an awful lot of decisions to make, sir, if Dr Redfield is right, and if that turns out to be the consensus, sir.”
“I’m glad you never brought me bat soup, son.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Bat soup. Glad you brought me this nice Chinese beef noodle soup instead.”
“Uh, yes, sir.”
“Do you think there’s more upstairs?”
“Well, there always is, sir, so I would assume so, sir.”
“Oh good. Get yourself a bowl too. And some crackers.”
“Yes sir. Certainly sir. But just one thing, sir… this is really getting to me, sir… what if it is determined to have been an act of war, sir? I mean, if the world’s only other superpower unleashed this on the world, then… well sir… don’t we have to respond, sir?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t respond to everything. If we stall enough… use diplomacy… we’ll be fine.”
“Sir, we’re talking about a possibly manmade (or man-tweaked, man-developed) virus that destroyed the world economy and killed lots and lots of people. If it is the case, sir, then don’t we have to respond, sir?”
“You know, you’d be surprised how far you can kick, if you want to.”
“I beg your pardon, sir???”
“If you want to, you can kick a can down the sidewalk, down the driveway, you can kick a can so far down the road you can’t even see it.”
“Do you mean, sir, that…”
“As you’re always reminding me, son, I’m in here for four years. But if we just kick the can four years down the road…”
“Then it’ll be the next president’s problem, sir?”
“Have some soup. This is good soup. Have a bowl with me, umm… son… umm… what’s your name again?”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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