Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Episode 36

Political Satire:  Having trouble surviving these times?  You’re not alone.  Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:

Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…

Dateline, March 31. Begin Transcript:

“Good evening, boss! Guess who has soup!”

“Oh, it had better be me, because I’m parched.’

“Why’s that, sir?”

“I talked for … oh, I don’t know… it felt to me like I was talking for six hours today.”

“And that’s exactly how it felt for your audience, too, sir.”

“Huh? What’s that?”

“Um, we could see that the audience sympathized with you, sir. They could tell you were tired, but, uh, you were giving it your all, sir.”

“You better believe it. This is hard work, boy!”

“Talking, sir?”

“Well, yeah! Giving a speech to sell a government program, that’s not easy, you know.”

“It’s not, sir?”

“Come on, man! This is really a sales job. I’ve got to be the salesman. I’ve got to show that I have their best interests at heart, you know?”

“Whether you really do or not.”

“Well, yeah. I don’t know these people from Adam, but I have to show them I care, to get their support for this bill. The bill is good for them. Really good for them. But they won’t realize that unless I convince them. So I’ve got to sell it. That’s my job.”

“Did you develop it, sir?”

“What? My job?”

“No, sir, I mean, did you develop the bill, sir?”

“Oh, hell no. Do you know how big these things are? I can’t even read ’em, let alone write ’em.”

“So, what’s in it that’s so good, sir?”

“Oh, hell, I don’t know. That’s not my job…”

“But then, sir, how do you know it’s good, sir?

“Because it’s written by the right people.”

“I see, sir.”

“It’s like… Do you ever go to the movies, son?”

“Well, sure, sir. I used to. I mean, before they shut everything down. Used to go all the time, sir.”

“Well, see, they have screenwriters. There are great ones, and mediocre ones, and lousy ones… If you see a show written by the right ones, you know it’ll be a hit, right?”

“Yes, sir… so are you saying politics is kind of like the movies, sir?”

“No… politics are MORE like the movies than the movies are!”

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

“Because a great writer can still write a lousy script, because movies require talent and interest and plot and stuff. But bills don’t have to be interesting or fun or exciting, they just have to list the right stuff. It doesn’t even have to be reasonable. And that’s way easier.”

“I see, sir.”

“So as long as we pick the right people to write our bill, it’s sure to be good!”

“So, who do you pick to write them, sir? Congressmen and Senators, sir?”

“No, they don’t have time for that sort of thing. You ever SEE one of these bills, kid? They’re enormous!”

“I see, sir. So … who do you get to write them, sir?”

“Well, the lobbyists, of course! They’re paid to do it. It isn’t even work for them!”

“Lobbyists, sir? You mean, corporate public affairs vice presidents, and people like that, sir?”

“Noooo….. I mean, maybe a few, but no, not mostly. These are the think tank folks, the PACs, the unions, the NGOs, you know?”

“NGO, sir? What’s that, sir?”

“Hey, I feel like I’m forgetting something…. ”

“Your soup, sir?”

“Yeah! Where’s my soup?”

“You put your box of masks in front of it as soon as I put it down, sir. It’s right here, sir.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I assumed it was too hot and you were waiting for it to cool, sir. It WAS hot, sir.”

“Oh, all right then. Hmmm…. what is this?”

“Tuscan Sausage Soup, sir.”

“What’s that?”

“Tuscan Sausage Soup, sir. Just like it sounds, sir. Italian sausage, onions, carrots, garlic, some pasta. A northern Italian soup, sir.”

“What animal’s the horn from?”

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

“The horn. What animal’s the horn from? Antelope? Reindeer? Elephant? Musk ox? I know all the animals, son, we can be here all day if you make me guess…”

“I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no horn, sir… it’s Italian sausage, sir.”

“Then what’s the tusk from, man?”

“OHHHH… I see, sir. No, sir, there’s no tusk, sir.”

“You lying dog-faced pony soldier! That’s false advertising…”

“It’s from Tuscany, sir. A region in Italy, sir.”

“Oh.”

“North Italy, sir.”

“Oh.”

“Famous for its cuisine, sir.”

“Oh.”

“Florence, Pisa, Siena… lots of famous cities in Tuscany, sir. Popular with tourists, sir. So their cuisine is well known over here, sir.”

“Oh.”

“So I guess, in the end, you could think of it as a meat and vegetable soup, sir. But a little spicier because it’s Italian sausage rather than blander meat like beef or chicken, sir.”

“I see what you mean. It’s good. Those EYE-talians sure can cook.”

“Yes sir. So, anyway, umm… you were telling me, sir, who really writes the bills around here, sir.”

“Was I? Why would I do a thing like that?”

“Well, sir, you were explaining why you didn’t write them yourself, sir…”

“Oh, right. Well, in the end, the NGO’s write ’em for us. They don’t always even realize it, but that’s how it works.”

“How can they not realize they’re writing a bill, sir?”

“Well, the lobbyist approaches a congressman with an idea – ‘you really ought to do this, sir,’ they’ll say – and the congressman says ‘how do you think it ought to be done?’ – and they’ll say ‘well, we were thinking this would be the most successful way to do it,’ – and the congressman says ‘well, would ya write that up as if it were a piece of legislation, and I’ll see what I can do about getting it into our programs…” – and the lobbyist says ‘well, that’s a lot of work but I’ll be glad to do it for you, sir’ – or ‘ma’am’ or whatever…. and before you know it, the congressman has gotten this lobbyist to do his job for him, so the congressman can get back out on the circuit and do some fundraising!”

“I see, sir.”

“So then you just add this sort of thing up to thousands and thousands of different issues, from dozens of different congressmen, and none of the lobbyists will ever know it, but all along, the Speaker’s office has been going through them all as they come in, for weeks, for months, for years… spiking the ones we don’t support, and keeping the ones we do, and stacking them up, organized, you know? …. so that when we’ve got something big to do, like a stimulus or an infrastructure bill, we can just take that stack out of the drawer, blow the dust off it, bind it all together and announce that we’ve got a bill ready!”

“Oh my, sir.”

“Nobody ever reads these things. I’ll bet half of those lobbyists don’t even realize they played a part in writing that bill.”

“I doubt that, sir.”

“Huh?”

“Well, sir, just that I’ll bet every lobbyist knows exactly what pages he planted in every bill, sir. It’s probably how they get paid, sir. Succeed in planting this or that in a bill that passes, and you get a bonus, or a raise, or a promotion. Whatever’s legal.”

“Or whatever’s not. Heh heh.”

“Oh dear. Yes, sir, I suppose so, sir.”

“This is good soup.”

“I’m so glad, sir. I’ll be sure to tell the cook she scored another hit, sir.”

“Gee, I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been talking all day.”

“It always feels like that to the audience, sir.”

“Huh? What’s that?”

“I always feel best when I’m in the audience, sir. You know, it’s easier to be the listener than the speaker, sir.”

“Oh, yeah, right. That makes sense. This is good soup. Could use some more noodles. Glad I’ve got crackers.”

“Oh, yes, sir, As long as you’re down here, sir, that’s one thing we can all be sure of, sir. In this basement, there’s always crackers, sir.”

“Just hope today’s speech went okay. We’ll find out in the morning papers.”

“Find out what, sir?”

“The overnight polls. Whether today helped build support for the bill, or not. We really need this bill to stick.”

“Oh, don’t worry, sir. Something tells me we can always be sure of one thing, sir: Your team will always succeed in making sure that America gets stuck with the bill.”

Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo

Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.

John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant.  A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009.  His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.

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