Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, gently informs the old man about a little race problem in Chicago.
Mayors, Reporters, and the Color of Soup
Dateline May 21. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! How’s your Friday so far?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“Now, what’s the point of my asking a specific question if you’re just going to give the sort of answer that you could use for any questions, sir?”
“Uhh, What?”
“Never mind, sir. Just bringing down your soup, thought I’d try a little small-talk.”
“What is it?”
“It’s polite conversation about inconsequential things, sir, but that’s not important right now…”
“Uhhh… never mind that… What’s the soup?”
“Oh, the soup! Here you go, sir! White Asparagus Soup, sir.”
“It’s white.”
“Well, sir, white IS in the name, sir.”
“But, it’s just … white. It’s like a white bowl filled with white. I feel like I’m in a doctor’s office.”
“What do you want me to do, sir – put a Do Not Resuscitate sign on the soup bowl, sir?”
“Will you stop mumbling, boy? I can never hear a word you say…”
“Sorry, sir. I actually arrived just as the cook was finishing up, sir. Interesting soup. They cook up the white asparagus and white onions in milk and cream and I don’t know what else… and then they put it in a food processor and puree it, sir! It’s the strangest thing. But it tastes good, sir, and that’s what counts, right, sir?”
“White soup. Weird.”
“White Asparagus Soup, sir. Not weird, sir. Gourmet.”
“I don’t care about gourmet. When I was growing up in Scranton – I don’t know if you know this, but I was raised in Scranton – soup was either beef vegetable or chicken noodle. that’s all there was, and it was good enough for us, because they were both good.”
“And good FOR you, sir.”
“That’s right! None of this bright white soup made of albino asparagus…”
“I suppose the color of the food really shouldn’t matter, sir…”
“Damn right.”
“But it does, in reality, in a way, right? I mean, the color of our food does contribute to whether it’s appetizing or not, after all, sir.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I just never heard of white asparagus, that’s for sure. Doesn’t feel like it belongs.”
“Really, sir? You should run for mayor of Chicago, sir. You’d fit right in.”
“Huh? What’s that, kid?”
“Rhett, sir.”
“What’s red?”
“My name, sir. Rhett. Not Kid, not Red… just Rhett, sir. Rhett Snapper. Remember, sir?”
“Oh, yeah, right. Rhett.”
“The color white is a really big deal these days in Chicago…. politicians are calling on you to get involved, sir. Do you plan to?”
“To what?”
“To get involved, sir.”
“In what?”
“In the mayor’s dust-up in Chicago, sir.”
“Oh, I don’t know anything about that.”
“Come on, sir. You can’t tell me you haven’t heard about Mayor Lightfoot! It’s everywhere, sir. I’m not even interested in politics, and I must’ve heard it discussed on the radio five times this week, sir.”
“No, I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.’
“You didn’t hear about how she said she’s only giving interviews to black, hispanic,or Asian reporters? Not to whites anymore, because the press corps is too white?”
“No.”
“Nobody told you about it?”
“No.”
“You didn’t see it in the papers?”
“No.”
“But Chicago’s the third or fourth biggest city in the country… It’s important… Why wouldn’t your staff keep you informed about a story like this?”
“Possible immunity.”
“What’s that, sir?”
“Uhh… Supposible deridability.”
“Can’t be that either, sir.”
“Opposable disability?”
“I think you’re looking for ‘plausible deniability,” sir.”
“That’s it!”
“Yes, well, sir, that isn’t going to work, sir. The east coast press corps is sure to ask you about it soon, sir. You should probably have thought about it, sir. The very idea of a mayor – a Democrat one yet – refusing to take questions from white reporters, just because they’re white. It’s nuts, sir, isn’t it?”
“What’s her name again?”
“Mayor Lightfoot, sir. Mayor Lori Lightfoot., sir.”
“Well, you have to give her a break.”
“Why, sir?”
“Well, give her some slack.”
“She doesn’t need them, sir. She already wears slacks, sir.”
“Well, she’s disadvantaged.”
“How can you say that, sir? She made it to be mayor of Chicago! It’s one of the most important political jobs in the country, sir!”
“Well, we always give politicians a break when they’re a first, you know? Gotta give her a break.”
“But why, sir? Why?”
“Well, she’s their first black mayor, that’s why.”
“No she’s not, sir!”
“She’s not?”
“No, sir. Not by a long way. Eugene Sawyer and Harold Washington were both black Chicago mayors before her.”
“Oh. Well…. She’s their first female mayor!”
“No, sir… Have you forgotten Jane Byrne, sir?”
“Oh. Well… she’s their first gay mayor!”
“Remember Harold Washington, sir?”
“Huh? He was?”
“Maybe you didn’t know it out here, sir, but everyone in Central Standard Time sure knew it, sir.”
“Oh. How do you know all about this stuff?”
“I have cousins in Chicago, sir. Mayor Lightfoot’s outrageous racism is all the family’s been talking about on facebook for days, sir.”
“Oh. Well, maybe it’ll blow over.”
“Not likely, sir.”
“Well, nobody around the capital is talking about it, are they?”
“Tulsi Gabbard was just in the news today, sir, calling her out, and calling for everybody else in the party to call her out too, sir.”
“Well, I never heard of her either. She doesn’t matter.”
“Uh, sir, you should remember, Tulsi Gabbard ran for president last year, sir.”
“She did?”
“You were on the dais with her at the debates, sir.”
“I was?”
“Yes sir.”
“What does she look like?”
“Former congressman from Hawaii, sir? Military service before she went into politics, sir? Usually wore white skirt suits, sir? Long dark hair, sir?”
“Oh, I remember her! Nice hair. Had a little wave in it.”
“I suppose so, sir.”
“Little white stripe in her hair…”
“Yes, sir.”
“She’s cute.”
“Yes, sir. So what are you going to do about Mayor Lightfoot, sir?”
“Who?”
“Mayor Lightfoot, sir.”
“Oh.”
“Mayor Lightfoot of Chicago, sir. She’s embarrassing your whole party, frankly, sir… umm, sir? What are you looking for on your cellphone, sir?”
“Mmm…don’t bother me, I’m working here…”
“What are you doing, sir?”
“Oh, nothing… nothing… just working… let’s see… how do you spell … tee, you, ell… ess… eye…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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