Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop, still early in his first year in office, has been on a diplomatic mission in Europe for a few days of meetings; we join him as he’s finally returned home to his basement.
Home Sweet Home, and Delaware Chicken and Slippery Dumpling Soup
Dateline June 16. Begin Transcript:
“You back there, chief?”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Oh good. Wouldn’t have wanted to come all the way down these stairs, sir, and find an empty basement.”
“Who’s that?”
“Who do you think it is, sir? I’m your cook!”
“Oh.”
“As if there was anyone else who’d be climbing down these stairs, sir, cursing every other step on my bum knee…”
“I just got off the plane.”
“Yes, chief, I know. The whole world knows.”
“Huh? Why would they know?”
“Because the press has been full of it, sir.”
“Full of what?”
“Stories about you, sir. Your flights. Your press conferences. Your meetings. A week of nonstop coverage.”
“Was it good?”
“I don’t know, boss, was it?”
“I don’t remember. Some people say it went well, some people say it went badly. I can’t tell anymore…”
“Well, here’s the important thing to me, sir: Are you hungry?”
“Huh?”
“Did you eat on the plane, or are you hungry?”
“There’s always room for soup…”
“Music to my ears, sir. Here you go. Since you’re back after a week, I thought I’d make a local recipe in case you were homesick.”
“Oh, I don’t want to be sick.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“I just got home. I don’t want to be sick.”
“No, sir, that’s not… ummm… I said I thought you might BE homesick, sir. You know, sir, missing your home, sir. So I made Delaware Chicken and Slippery Dumpling Soup.”
“Oh. That’s nice.”
“It better be. I worked on it for hours. So anyway, here you go… soup, crackers, napkins, spoons. Enjoy, sir. I’ll head back upstairs now. If my knee can handle it.”
“No, wait! Don’t go. There was something I have to tell you.”
“Oh? What’s that, sir?”
“Umm… I don’t know.”
“Well, that doesn’t help much, sir.”
“I was in … um… uhh… England, I think…”
“Yes sir. You were in Cornwall, the first few days, sir.”
“No, I’m pretty sure I was in England.”
“Yes, sir. Cornwall is IN England, sir. Southwest corner, sir.”
“Oh no. I didn’t fly Southwest. I flew on the government’s plane.”
“Ahhh…. yes, sir.. of course. Anyway, you were in Cornwall, in the southwest corner of England, sir. It’s south of Wales, sir.”
“I didn’t see any whales. Were there whales? I’ve got to talk to my tour guide about this.”
“Did you have a tour guide, sir?”
“Hmm. No. That’s probably the problem. If we do any more of these, I have to make sure there’s a tour guide.”
“Ah, you were going to tell me, something, sir?”
“Oh, yes. It was… it had to do with … what were we talking about, again?”
“We weren’t really talking about anything, sir. I just came down to bring you your soup, sir.”
“Oh, right, soup. That’s it! I had soup!”
“Yes, sir, I thought you would, sir. The Doctor said to make sure I talked with the advance team about how important it was that you have soup every night. Something about getting your vitamin shot on a full stomach before bed, sir.”
“Oh. Right. That makes sense. I don’t like the vitamin shot.”
“But you like your soup, right, sir?”
“Oh, yes. Soup. Let’s see. This is good.”
“I’m glad, sir. Welcome home, sir.”
“Hmm… I had soup in England.”
“Yes, sir.”
“There was something I wanted to tell you… the aides who brought me my soup…. it wasn’t the usual guy.”
“Yes sir. The usual guy is here, sir. You were in England.”
“Oh.”
“On the other side of the Atlantic, sir.”
“Oh.”
“Would have been a long way to travel just to serve you soup.”
“Where’s the usual guy tonight?”
“Oh, you mean Rhett?”
“Who’s that?”
“Rhett Snapper, sir? The temp who’s been bringing you your soup the past few weeks, sir?”
“Oh, right. Where is he?”
“He’s from a temp agency, sir. You’ve been gone a week; they put him on another account in the meantime, sir.”
“Will he be back?”
“I don’t know. We’ve requested him. But with temp agencies, it depends, sir. When a client says we don’t need a temp for a week, they have to put him on another account, sir.”
“What for?”
“So he can earn a living, sir.”
“What for?”
“Umm, well, to LIVE, sir. An employee needs to know if he’s working from week to week, sir. You say you don’t need a guy for a week, he’s going to look for another job, sir. You can’t blame him.”
“Oh.”
“Now, maybe they just put him on something short term, maybe he’ll be back tomorrow, maybe not. I don’t know, sir.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t like change. I don’t like having to learn the names of new staffers.”
“You don’t learn the names of old staffers, sir.”
“Don’t I?”
“Can you name all the members of your cabinet, sir?”
“Well, sure! There’s that one over there, it’s a Drexel Heritage… and there’s that one over there on the left, it’s a Thomasville…”
“No, sir, not those cabinets, I meant… oh, never mind, sir.”
“There was something I was supposed to tell you. The soup over there…”
“Did you enjoy your soup in Europe, sir?”
“Yes, sure, it was fine…. there was something interesting…”
“The bowls, sir?”
“No…”
“The silverware, sir? They probably didn’t have the soft safety handles there like we do, sir…”
“Oh. No, that’s not it… Oh, I remember now!”
“Yes, sir?”
“The business!”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“The business. They say they’re giving you the business, with the soup.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“No, that’s not it… the buildings? Maybe that’s it. Here’s your soup, and here are your buildings… No, no, that’s not it either…”
“Umm, sir, I think maybe…”
“Blinken! That’s it, Blinken! ‘Here’s your soup and your blinken, sir,’ that’s what they said!”
“No, sir, Mr Blinken is your Secretary of State, sir.”
“Oh. Darn.”
“Might you be thinking of biscuits, sir?”
“Oh, no thanks, this soup is fine…”
“No, sir, I mean, did they refer to your crackers as biscuits, sir?”
“That’s it! Yes, that’s right. They kept saying biscuits when they served me crackers. It was the weirdest thing.”
“Well, yes, sir, that’s what they call them in England, sir.”
“How did you know?”
“Well, sir, I read cookbooks every day, sir.”
“You do?”
“I’m a cook, sir, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
“So how was your trip, sir, besides the soup? Did you meet anyone interesting, sir?”
“I don’t remember. It was a long time ago.”
“Most of the meetings were just over the last three or four days, sir.”
“Mmm… Feels like longer.”
“Probably feels like that to them too, sir.”
“Met a little Russian guy.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Last thing before I flew back. We talked for hours… we used interpreters, so it took a long time… took five minutes just to say hello… but he asked me a lot of questions, and I answered, and he smiled a lot, and his translators smiled a lot.”
“Well, yes, sir, I suppose they’d smile…”
“And I asked him some questions, and he answered …”
“Umm, sir, how did your staff feel about it, sir?”
“Oh, they didn’t mind. They said to just say whatever came into my head, and they’d have the translators straighten it out.”
“I see, sir.”
“Wasn’t that nice of them?”
“Uhh, I suppose so, chief. Umm, oh… oh, my…”
“And then at the end we had a joint press conference, and we introduced each other… and I think I got the job!”
“The what, sir?”
“The job! Before I went in to meet him, the Doctor said to me, now this is a big interview, so don’t blow it. You need this to go really well.”
“Uh, yes, sir, but…”
“So It did! It went well, and we shook hands, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to offer me the job!”
“Umm, sir, I don’t think you understand, sir…”
“The last thing the translators said was that they’ll follow up with the paperwork in a few days! That always means you’ve got the job, you know?”
“Well, sir, umm, why do you think that?”
“Come on, man! I’ve seen enough TV shows… sitcoms… movies… I know the world! Even though I’ve never had a job – you know, in the private sector – I know that’s how it works! You have an interview, and then you shake hands, and then they say they’ll follow up with the paperwork in a few days!”
“Sir, I think, that might be some state department documents, don’t you think, sir?”
“Oh no, it’s a job. All the signs point to it being a job. I can finally quit this thing and do something fun for a change. I wonder if I’ll get my own translator. And a secretary… that would be nice… maybe to have a nice office again, with a view… and someone to bring me coffee…”
“Well, sir, I… ummm… I don’t know what to say, sir.”
“Well, you can’t go wrong with ‘Congratulations, boss!,’ you know!”
“Uhh, oh… well… what the hell. Congratulations, sir.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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