Welcome to the brave new world of the woke military, where the Department of Defense has all the branches you know and love, plus a shiny new one called the Space Force. But don’t worry, it’s not as straightforward as you might think—because, hey, why would it be?
Let’s start with the basics. The Space Force, our newest branch, proudly calls its members “guardians.” Yes, that’s right—guardians. You might think they’re protecting the galaxy like a bunch of Marvel superheroes, but they’re really just keeping satellites safe from space junk and maybe, just maybe, an intergalactic invasion. So, if you join the Space Force, prepare to embrace your inner cosmic superhero. Capes not included.
Meanwhile, we still have the Coast Guard. They’re technically considered veterans, but unlike their space-faring counterparts, they’re more like the “midget navy.” Yes, you heard that right. The Coast Guard, which falls under the Department of Homeland Security, has somehow maintained the status of being the navy’s little cousin. If you join the Coast Guard, congratulations—you’re a sailor! But not just any sailor, you’re a sailor who gets to deal with hurricanes, drug smugglers, and the occasional stranded whale. All while ensuring you’re the most confusingly categorized branch in the military.
So, let’s recap: Join the Army, and you’re a soldier. Join the Navy, and you’re a sailor. Join the Air Force, and you’re an airman (or airwoman, or airperson—take your pick). Join the Marines, and you’re a Marine. Simple enough, right? But join the Space Force, and suddenly you’re a guardian. It’s like the military said, “Hey, we need to jazz this up a bit!” And jazz it up they did.
But why stop there? Why not add more layers of delightful confusion? How about we rename the Coast Guard personnel “lifeguards”? They already save lives at sea, so why not lean into it? Imagine the pride of wearing a military uniform that also comes with a whistle and a stylish red floatation device.
And then there’s the veterans’ status. Everyone from soldiers to sailors to airpeople (we’re still working on that one) to guardians are considered veterans. But Coast Guard members? They get to be veterans too, but with the added bonus of working for a different department. Because, why not keep everyone guessing?
In this new, woke military, nothing is quite as it seems. We’ve got guardians protecting us from space debris, sailors who don’t always sail, and lifeguards who might just save you from a rip current. It’s a brave, confusing new world out there, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, next time you meet someone from the military, don’t just thank them for their service—thank them for keeping track of their bewildering job titles and roles. Because in this satirical guide to modern military confusion, everyone’s a hero. Or a guardian. Or maybe a lifeguard. Who can keep track anymore?
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