Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode, halfway into his first year in the White House, Joe Buckstop is told that a former fellow Senator has just been mugged…
Politicians and Information, and Szechuan Beef Noodle Soup
Dateline: July 26. Begin Transcript:
“Boss? You down here?”
“Huh? Who’s that?”
“Who do you think it is? It’s your cook. Who else clunks down the staircase with this stubborn old knee?”
“Oh, right. Hmm… There was something I was supposed to tell you. Oh… I don’t remember.”
“No surprise there, boss. Well, are you ready for soup? Hope you’re hungry, sir…”
“Oh yum! Always like soup! What do you have for me today?”
“I found a good recipe for a Szechuan beef noodle soup from a place in Oakland, sir. Looks hearty.”
“Hmm.. Beef noodle, huh? You know, when I was a boy in Scranton – I don’t know if you knew this, but I’m from Scranton… born and raised there… quite a town… well, anyway, when I was back in Scranton, umm… we used to, umm… hmmm. Now I don’t remember…”
“Of course, sir. So anyway, here’s your soup – a good beef noodle soup … with a bowl of crackers, even thought they don’t go….”
“Huh? Of course they go! Soup isn’t soup without crackers!”
“It’s a Chinese soup, sir. It shouldn’t really go with crackers. But here they are. And of course, your napkins and your spoons, sir…”
“Hey, isn’t there some kid who’s supposed to bring me my soup so you don’t have to come downstairs?”
“Yes sir. But the last one only made it a week, sir. Apparently, he called into the agency this morning and he said that he just got called in for a cooking job that starts tonight, and he wasn’t going to be an idiot and turn it down, sir.”
“What was his name again?”
“Columbus, sir. Columbus McFetridge.”
“Oh, right. I’ll never remember that.”
“Well, you don’t have to now, boss. He won’t be back.”
“Oh.”
“So how’s your week shaping up, boss?”
“Oh, I’m not that weak. I’m exercising again!”
“I beg your pardon, boss?”
“I’ve been working out. Shaping up. Getting tough.”
“Really? I’ve just heard the TV on a lot the past few days. In fact… what kind of workout, exactly, have you been doing, sir?”
“Oh, jump ropes… and hitting the heavy bag… and calisthenics, you know. A little jogging…”
“Are you sure that was you, boss?”
“Huh?”
“Maybe, sir, and this is just a shot in the dark, sir… do you think that maybe you’ve just watched Rocky a few times, sir?”
“Did I? Hmmm.. yeah, that COULD be it. Hmm…. that could explain a lot… good movie, too…”
“Yes sir. Of course, sir.”
“I forgot all about that movie. I thought I was just staring at myself in the mirror as I work out.”
“Yes sir. Of course, sir.”
“Hmm. That’s strange. I feel like boxers have been on my mind today. Why would that be, I wonder…”
“Boxers, sir?”
“Yeah, you know, fighting, punching, in a ring… boxers. Now, why do I have boxers in my thoughts, I wonder, huh?”
“Perhaps you’re thinking of Barbara Boxer, sir? She was in the news today…”
“Huh? She was? What for?”
“Well, sir, you know there was a crime committed, sir…”
“Oooh, so they finally caught her, huh? Neat-o!”
“No, sir, nobody caught her at anything, sir.”
“Then what happened?”
“She was in Oakland, sir, and a robber shoved her into a wall and grabbed her cellphone, then jumped in a car and sped off, sir.”
“Oh wow. A mugging, huh?”
“She’s no spring chicken, sir. Might have been dangerous.”
“Oh, she’s a tough old bird. She can handle herself.”
“She’s 80 years old, sir.”
“Well, that’s only two years older than me! That’s not bad!”
“She retired five years ago, sir.”
“Ah, she could still be Senator if she wanted to.”
“You think so, sir?”
“Oh, sure. Her brain’s just as sharp as it ever was.”
“That’s not saying much, is it, sir?”
“Huh? Sorry, you lost me…”
“Never mind, sir. But I do think it’s interesting that you think she’d still be an effective Senator at 80, sir.”
“Well, so could I! If I hadn’t retired, I could still be in the Senate today! I’d be great!”
“Umm, I don’t know how to tell you this, sir, but, you didn’t retire, sir.”
“Huh? I didn’t?”
“You just signed on for a four year term, sir, remember? Only six months in so far; you have seven-eighths of it to go, sir.”
“Come on, Man!”
“So anyway, Barbara Boxer was in Oakland today, and somebody shoved her against a wall and robbed her and rushed off, sir.”
“Did they get her jewelry? She can afford some pretty fancy jewelry….”
“No, sir. Didn’t take her jewelry.”
“Oh, so they got her purse, huh? She’s rich. Probably keeps a lot of money in her purse.”
“No, sir. Didn’t take her purse, sir.”
“What kind of a mugger doesn’t take either jewelry or purse? Man. That’ guy must be an amateur. Hmm.. Hey, you know what? That could be a good government program…”
“What could, sir?”
“Teaching inexperienced muggers how to make every encounter pay off…. You know, this could really succeed…”
“Oh, please, sir, never mention that idea again to anyone, sir.”
“Oh. Well… okay then… so what did they take? You said she was robbed; they must’ve gotten something!”
“Oh, they did, sir. The guy took her phone.”
“You’ve got to be kidding”
“No, sir, it’s true. They took her cellphone. Guy grabbed it, jumped into a sitting car, and they sped away, sir.”
“Wow. Well if that doesn’t beat all.”
“I don’t understand it, sir. Cellphones are expensive, but you can’t just transfer them over to somebody else’s plan. It’s strange, sir.”
“Yeah. Wow. Maybe she’ll turn conservative now, huh?”
“Excuse me, sir?”
“Well, you know what they say: a conservative is a liberal who got mugged!”
“Well, sir, this wasn’t much of a mugging.”
“I wonder why they wanted that cellphone…”
“I have another question, sir. What did she do when she left the Senate? Did she really retire?”
“Oh no, she joined corporate boards. She’s got five years of lobbying and talking to legislators, both state and federal, on behalf of all sorts of companies.”
“Interesting, sir. I wonder. What do think is in her cellphone, sir? phone numbers, voicemails, emails, text messages…”
“Oh, umm, whoa. That’s a lot of info…”
“Yes, sir. All in a little portable cellphone, sir.”
“Gee, I wonder if there’s anything I should do.”
“Depends, sir… when she drops that little bombshell off at the investigators’… something’s going to happen to everyone she had dirt on, sir.”
“Umm, excuse me, ma’am… I have to get some air…”
“What kind of voicemails and texts do you think she had on that phone, as a lobbyist for Turkey and Qatar and Lyft, and….”
“Umm, excuse me, ma’am…. I, uh, I have to put some dogs on this trail…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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