Snark-Satire
In what may be the boldest immigration policy in U.S. history, former President Donald J. Trump has just signed Executive Order 1776, ordering the mass deportation of illegal immigrants to Australia—a plan he claims is “just a little historical throwback to the good old days of the British Empire.”
“Australia’s Big, They’ll Figure It Out”
Speaking at a Mar-a-Lago press conference flanked by a hastily printed map of Australia (upside down), Trump laid out his masterstroke of diplomacy.
“The British did it, folks. They took all their criminals and put them in Australia, and look at them now—kangaroos, barbecues, and very, very strong accents. Some of the best accents, people tell me. They took a bunch of pickpockets and turned them into a whole country. Incredible. So I said, ‘Why not? Let’s do it again!’”
According to the executive order, illegal immigrants caught at the border will now be shipped to Australia via “Freedom Barges”—a luxurious yet practical method of transportation reminiscent of the Mayflower, but with Wi-Fi and Trump-branded life jackets.
Australia Responds: “Wait, What?!”
The Australian government, blindsided by the announcement, responded with mild panic. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese issued a confused statement:
“We’d like to remind President Trump that Australia is a sovereign nation, not an international dumping ground. We love America, but we really weren’t consulted on this. Also, we don’t have enough Vegemite to handle a sudden population spike.”
Despite objections, Trump remains confident in his negotiation skills, assuring Australians that “they’re gonna love this, believe me” and that he might even throw in a free trade deal, some surplus F-35s, and a few cases of Diet Coke to sweeten the deal.
Border Crisis Solved? Not So Fast…
While MAGA supporters erupted in applause, liberals and immigration activists were unsurprisingly horrified by the plan, calling it “historically illiterate,” “a logistical nightmare,” and “literally human trafficking.”
Legal scholars are already debating the constitutionality of forcibly deporting people to a country that has not agreed to take them, but Trump is unconcerned, stating:
“Look, they’ll be fine, okay? It’s warm, it’s got beaches—frankly, they should be thanking me. If anything, we’re doing them a favor. We should be charging people for this.”
The Legacy of Trump’s “Down Under Doctrine”
Whether this wildly unauthorized move will hold up in court remains to be seen, but one thing is certain—Australia is about to have a whole new wave of unexpected visitors.
As for Trump, he remains unfazed, already floating the idea of deporting repeat offenders to Antarctica, where “they can learn a little self-discipline in the cold.”
At press time, Elon Musk was reportedly in talks with Trump about launching illegal immigrants to Mars instead, citing “long-term sustainability issues on Earth.”
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