Ah, the glamorous life of an ancient royal court eunuch—power, prestige, fine robes, and… oh yeah, absolutely zero testosterone. If you were an unlucky young man in Babylon, Persia, or China and got recruited for palace service, chances are your job orientation included a very sharp knife and a long recovery time. History tells us that kings loved their trusted advisors, harem guards, and court officials to be ambitious, loyal, and most importantly—missing a key anatomical feature. After all, nothing says “totally focused on the job” like having no distractions… or ability to father an heir to challenge the throne.
Now, let’s talk methods, because ancient HR had options. The quick-and-dirty approach involved a sharp blade, a quick slice, and a whole lot of screaming—assuming you survived, because anesthesia wasn’t exactly a thing yet. If your royal handler was feeling extra creative, they might tie off your testicles with a rope and let them turn into two little raisins before falling off. It was basically the ancient version of “wait and see” surgery. And if you were really unlucky? Well, some guys got the rock treatment—meaning their future fatherhood was canceled by two stones smashing into one another, with their bits in between. Medieval OSHA would not approve.
But why go through all this effort? Because nothing ruins a king’s day like a lowly servant getting ambitious. Eunuchs had no biological claim to power, making them the ultimate yes-men. They could run the treasury, oversee armies, and whisper in the king’s ear—all without accidentally founding a rival dynasty. Also, they made excellent babysitters for the royal harem since, well, let’s just say their hormonal interests were forcibly adjusted. You weren’t going to see a #MeToo scandal coming from the castrati class of 500 B.C.
And of course, let’s not forget the aftermath. If you survived your impromptu surgery without dying of shock, infection, or general regret, congratulations! You were now one of the most powerful people in the kingdom. Some eunuchs became advisors, military commanders, and bureaucrats—basically, history’s first “workaholics” before coffee was invented. But was it worth the trade-off? Imagine making it all the way to the top only to realize you’ll never experience a midlife crisis because, well… you’re missing the equipment for it.
So the next time you complain about your job, remember: at least your boss isn’t making you prove your loyalty with a scalpel. No dental? No 401(k)? Sure, that’s rough—but at least your benefits package still includes testosterone
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Some of them ARE demanding castration as a “benefit,” so-called “transitioning.”