A Modest Climate Change Proposal: Melt Michigan

January in Michigan is not a season. It’s a hostage situation. The sun has been gone so long it’s legally presumed dead, the wind is malicious, and snow doesn’t fall—it attacks. So let me say the quiet part out loud: I support climate change. Enthusiastically. Light the fossil fuels. Stoke them like we’re trying to summon summer itself.

For decades, Democrats have run the greatest long con in meteorological history—keeping Michigan locked in a Siberian deep freeze under the guise of “saving the planet.” This is not environmentalism. This is a communist cold-storage program. A deliberate effort to stop the natural evolution of states—where Michigan obviously becomes Florida with better beer and fewer felonies.

Let’s stop pretending. Snowbirds don’t “vacation.” They escape. Thanksgiving hits and half the state flees south like refugees from a frozen war zone, only returning around Easter when they’re reasonably confident the air won’t physically hurt them. If climate policy worked, they’d stay. Instead, Florida gets our tax base, our retirees, and our vitamin D while we get ice dams and seasonal despair.

And spare me the hysteria about CO₂. This state could use a little atmospheric insulation. More carbon means fewer months where your truck won’t start, your face freezes solid, and your driveway becomes a federally protected ice sheet. CO₂ isn’t pollution here—it’s heating assistance.

They warn us about rising temperatures. Excellent. Raise them faster. Michigan winters aren’t character-building; they’re productivity-killing, soul-crushing, and entirely unnecessary in a modern society with technology, combustion engines, and the moral clarity to admit that no one actually enjoys this.

Florida didn’t become Florida by accident. Warmth wins. People vote with their feet—and every November, Michigan loses in a landslide.

So yes, I support climate change. Not because I hate the Earth, but because I hate January. And if burning a little more fossil fuel means Michigan finally stops cosplaying as Siberia, then strike the match.

I’ll be outside shoveling again. For the fourth time today.

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