Don Surber’s roundup of this week’s news items is more enlightening than the actual reporting. Enjoy!
ITEM 1: Realtor.com reported, “Kim Kardashian Gives Glimpse Inside Her Custom Idaho Retreat as Lewis Hamilton Joins Family Vacation.”
She moved to Idaho because she thought they named the state after her.
She thought it was called Kardashia.
ITEM 2: Millions of Americans protested against Major League Baseball’s decision to have Netflix broadcast the All-Star Home Run Derby. They said they refused to pay for it and want it shown for free.
And we wonder why DSA communists are gaining traction.
ITEM 3: Hey, Graham Platner, have I found a girl for you.
The Telegraph reported, “Transgender Neo-Nazi sent to women’s prison in Germany.”
ITEM 4: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “Iran is REELING after President Trump ordered CENTCOM to begin targeting infrastructure targets, causing power outages and destruction of bridges.”
Hegseth is destroying infrastructure in Iran like Gavin Newsom is in California.
Call it Operation Snail Darter.
ITEM 5: D. Scott tweeted, “AG Todd Blanche INFURATED Senate Democrats by doubling down and targeting leakers who exposed national security information about President Trump and Air Force One in Turkey.”
Democrats don’t want reporters subpoenaed over national security leaks but were perfectly fine with raiding a president’s home in the name of national security.
ITEM 6: NBC complained, “President Trump sharply reduces the size of two national monuments in Utah, undoing protections established by former presidents on public lands that are sacred among many Native Americans.”
Sacred lands? Good to see Trump enforcing separation of church and state. Liberals like that.
ITEM 7: Inflation in June was 3.5%. Republicans rejoiced because it wasn’t the 3.8% Democrats predicted.
It’s still 3.5%.
GOOD NEWS:
DC’s unemployment rate is 6.1%.
National rate is 4.2%.
ITEM 8: Tampon Tim pardoned Tou Lue Vang, who was convicted of the first-degree sexual assault of a 10-year-old girl, to keep ICE from deporting him.
Walz told reporters, “I can find no reason how Minnesota will be safer or better if Mr. Vang is deported to a country he has not been to since he was a child. I do not see how it would serve his family, nor the economic interest where we have a taxpaying citizen who is creating job growth and living a life free from any criminal activity.”
Yes, and look at all the good things John Wayne Gacy did. As a clown, he cheered many a child before raping and murdering them.
ITEM 9: Canadian forest fires are smoking Americans as far away as Long Island.
Who pays the carbon tax for Canada’s fires?
ITEM 10: BBC reported, “Tracking the origin of an outbreak in the US that causes explosive diarrhoea has proved a challenge for public health experts searching for answers about how it started—and how it’s spreading.”
I learned two things in that sentence. 1. BBCs doesn’t know how to spell diarrhea. 2. BBC reporters never ate at Taco Bell. Clearly BBC doesn’t know shit.
ITEM 11: AOL reported, “Syphilis cases in expectant mothers have dramatically risen since the pandemic.”
American Indians gave syphilis to Europeans, so isn’t this cultural appropriation?
ITEM 12: CNN reported, “New York Times fights Trump administration subpoenas for reporters’ testimony.”
The First Amendment is not a Get Out Of Jail Free card for reporters.
ITEM 13: Canadian Kaitlyn Tracey slapped a teenage girl on a beach in New Jersey for wearing pro-Trump garb on Independence Day.
Homeland Security tweeted, “She entered the United States on April 14, 2024, on a visa set to expire on September 6, 2024. In violation of our nation’s laws, she overstayed her visa and failed to depart.”
Question: When we annex Canada, do we get to deport her again?
ITEM 14:
Keep bomb, bomb, bombing Iran. Ironic that this was John McCain’s plan.
ITEM 15: The New York Post reported, “Middle East allies rushing new pipelines, port to bypass Iran’s grip on Strait of Hormuz.”
Let’s hope there are no ancient Indian burial grounds to stop the project.
ITEM 16: Iraq’s new Prime Minister Ali al-Zaidi visited the White House. Trump highlighted Iraq’s “tremendous potential” in oil and stated the U.S. would do “a lot of deals,” create jobs for both countries, and take “a lot of oil” out—mostly via American companies.
George Walker Bush was right. A world without Saddam and his sadistic sons is a better place indeed.
ITEM 17: Congresswoman Summer Lee said, “They say we should only rely on so called ‘objective standards’ for medical competence but objective according to who? Having all white male doctors is just as bad as having all white male congressmen.”
An all white male Congress? Sounds good to me because all white male congresses gave us the U.S. and the first 15 amendments to the Constitution.
Also the national debt was equal to 7% of GDP when we had our final all white male Congress in 1916. Today the national debt is equal to 124% of GDP.
ITEM 18: Congresswoman Jahana Hayes told medical school deans, “I am incredibly disappointed that as academic deans you could not immediately answer the question about teaching colonialism in healthcare.”
Yes, how dare we replace witch doctors with real ones. Oo-ee oo-ah-ah that was a ting tang walla walla bing bang mistake.
ITEM 19: Congressman Ro Khanna claimed Israel detained him for 90 minutes on a trip because he is brown. Israel said he was going into restricted areas.
Jussie Khanna.
ITEM 20: The Washington Post panicked and asked, “Cigarettes are back in vogue. How did this happen?”
It’s all those Joe Camel commercials on TV.
ITEM 21: Politico reported, “Former special counsel Jack Smith obtained text messages that 44 members of Congress sent to senior White House officials during the final weeks of President Donald Trump’s first term, Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley revealed Tuesday.”
And Democrats thought their Lavrentiy Beria was going to go only after the Orange Man.
(Beria headed Stalin’s secret police.)
ITEM 22: Seeking re-election, Governor Kathy Hochul said, “We’re waiting for the Trump administration to hopefully green-light us on my massive expansion of nuclear. I want to build more nuclear in New York than the entire country has in 30 years.”
New York closed the Indian Point nuke plant 5 years ago. The plant supplied 25% of NYC’s power for years. She has no plans to re-open it. A new nuke plant that size would cost $40 billion to build.
New Yorkers voted for her. The majority deserves to sweat in darkness each summer.
ITEM 23: PJ Media reported, “Chess Is Cool Again, and I’m ‘Young and Hip’ Now!”
They finally figured out how the little horsies move.
ITEM 24: An illegal alien ran from ICE agents right into traffic and was struck and killed in St. Augustine, Florida.
Self-deportation beats suicide.
ITEM 25: The U.S. Mint announced it will issue gold $1 coins featuring President Trump.
Also, the Mint will issue wooden nickels featuring Not Your President Hillary Clinton.
ITEM 26: CBS News reported, “The mothers of black newborns are more likely than those of white newborns to be referred to law enforcement over allegations of substance use during pregnancy, according to The Marshall Project’s new analysis of child welfare data from eight states.”
Must mean black mothers are more likely to use drugs than white mothers.
ITEM 27: Ken Shepherd tweeted, “We all have a person who shares your first name that you think is the worst [first name] in the world. Who’s yours? Mine’s Ken Rosenthal.”
I replied Don We Now Our Gay Apparel.
I hate that guy. I really do.
ITEM 28: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “President Trump has placed his speech teleprompter operator on LEAVE WITHOUT PAY while they’re being investigated for making allegedly $90K on Kalshi by betting on Trump’s speeches.”
Biden would have just split the money with him. 10% to the big guy.
ITEM 29: Collin Rugg tweeted, “Senator Josh Hawley absolutely obliterated the woman who encouraged Biden to grant clemency to Dylann Roof, who murdered 9 black people at church, because he had anxiety.”
Give him a case of Xanax, a Holy Bible and last rites.
ITEM 30: Olive Garden tweeted, “The Never-Ending Pasta Pass is only for use by the Passholder whose name is printed on the Pass. Passes are personalized and non-transferable. Passholders must present a valid photo I.D. along with the Pass at the time of ordering.”
Only in America is pasta protected better than the ballot box. You don’t lead the Western world in obesity without setting your priorities.
ITEM 31: The Patriarch Tree reported, “Wisconsin Backstory: Incumbent Lt. Gov. Sara Rodriguez, the mainstream front runner for Governor in the Democratic primary, had to drop out because her campaign manager bungled the fundraising. Now the primary field is a bunch of fringe weirdos and losers.”
Nazis and commies and trans, oh my! Nazis and commies and trans, oh my! Nazis and commies and trans, oh my!
They’ll all drop out and Obama will appoint Biden again.
ITEM 32: Eric Daugherty tweeted, War Consigliere “Pete Hegseth just WON in court: US Appeals Court OVERTURNS lower ruling and allows the Pentagon to block fake news like the New York Times from freely roaming the halls of the Pentagon, which could jeopardize national security information.”
And he did it without using a horse head.
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