Don Surber delivers his take on this week’s news items as only he can. He’ll make you think, laugh, and learn to recognize the absurdity of the media’s coverage of the news.
ITEM 1: Yahoo reported, “A Popular ED Medication Was Just Linked to a Greater Risk of Blindness in Men Over 40.’
As the movie asked, can I do it till I need glasses?
ITEM 2: Ousman Ceesay, a Muslim from Gambia, went to a gay bar in Tucson and killed three people.
Police Chief Monica Prieto said, “Bias-based crimes are especially heinous and have no place in our community.”
I hear murder’s pretty bad too.
ITEM 3: The Washington Times reported, “Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, responding to a growing backlash over Flock cameras, has ordered the pole-mounted license plate readers to be removed from all state roads.”
We ain’t sheep. We don’t need to be Flocked.
ITEM 4: After a lengthy deployment off the coast of Iran, the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln on Tuesday arrived for a few days of liberty at Laem Chabang Port, Thailand.
Chabang.
They did.
ITEM 5: Iranian propagandists, a.k.a. mainstream media, ran stories about the rust on the Lincoln when it got to port.
Nathan the Black tweeted, “Salt did more damage than the entire Iranian Navy.”
And if a bank won’t give money away, don’t complain when people rob it.
For an organization named after the Green Hornet’s chauffeur, Cato sure is dumb.
ITEM 7: Legal immigration is not only possible but common.
Cato’s argument is about as sound as the Iranian rial.
ITEM 8: Some Texans are angry because the Texas Public Utility Commission approved the first of three controversial extra-high-voltage transmission lines. Lawrence Person wrote, “How many 765-kilovolt transmission lines currently exist in Texas? Zero.”
West Virginia has 384 miles of 765-kv lines that the electric companies began constructing in the 1960s. Maybe Texas will join the mid-20th century before the end of the 21st.
ITEM 9: West Virginia Governor Patrick Morrisey announced $81 billion in investments in AI data centers with the goal of eliminating state income taxes.
Welcome Texan data centers.
ITEM 10: Not the Bee reported, “Baby goats at traveling petting zoo test positive for rabies.”
Dr. Evil finally found an evil petting zoo.
ITEM 11: Kids, don’t go near the showers.
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ITEM 12: After years of his living in America illegally, ICE finally deported Milo Yiannopoulos. He sniveled, “I was weeping like an old woman for an hour!”
We shouldn’t treat illegal aliens like that.
We should make them weep like an old woman for days on end.
ITEM 13: CNN reported, “Trump’s first midterm ads are heavy on ‘me.’”
Network that has made Trump the centerpiece of its every broadcast for a decade complains about Trump being the center of attention.
ITEM 14: Gloria Steinem died at 92.
She had a man but needed a bicycle.
ITEM 15: People torched actor Ryan Reynolds for saying, “The 1980s were a brutal, brutal time for people. It was a f*cking mess and people forget that. It was a tremendous strife. Socio political tensions everywhere.”
Please understand. He grew up in Canada, where polar bears will eat you if you go outside at night.
ITEM 16: “Virginia Mom Gets 6-Month Suspended Jail Sentence for Letting 5-Year-Old Walk to the Pond.”
And that’s why we became West Virginia.
ITEM 17: Massachusetts came one step closer to legalizing post-partum abortion after a jury refused to convict Lindsay Clancy for murder after she confessed to murdering her three children.
The lights all went out in Massachusetts.
ITEM 18: Axios reported, “Pentagon turmoil deepens as Hegseth consolidates control.”
He’s the Secretary of War. He’s supposed to be in control.
ITEM 19: AP reported, “August jobs report shows U.S. added 162,000 jobs, more than double economists’ forecasts.”
Eric Daugherty tweeted, “U.S. jobs report TRIPLES expectations, surging +162,000 in the past month, expected was 55,000.”
Math class is tough, Barbie.
Canada lost 41,000 jobs in August. The USA found them.
ITEM 20: Open Source Intelligence tweeted, “A source in Iran’s Revolutionary Guards told the New York Times that between 70 and 100 Hezbollah members, including Iranian advisers from the IRGC’s Quds Force, have been trapped since June in tunnels in the Ali Tahr Ridge area. For days, Hezbollah tried to deliver water and food to them using drones. Every time one of them came out to receive the supplies, IDF forces killed him.”
The IDF Eat-a-Bullet Diet. Works better than Ozempic.
ITEM 21: On Thursday, Bulwark writer Will Saletan wrote, “Trump Is Keeping Venezuela’s Dictatorship in Business.”
In January, Saletan opposed the arrest and extraction of Nicolás Maduro from Caracas.
ITEM 22: AccuWeather reported, “Hurricanes crowd the Pacific: What Hawaii and California can expect.”
Climate change is going after the states that fight climate change the most.
Hmm. Maybe I should fight becoming a billionaire.
ITEM 23: Fox fired Maria Bartiromo.
Welcome to journalism. Do what the boss says or expect a pink slip.
ITEM 24: The left is still whining over construction of the White House Ballroom.
No one likes my suggest name, the Needmore Ballroom.
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Ford administration prepares state dinner for Queen Elizabeth II.
ITEM 25: Deported News reported, “Former DACA recipient faces more than 20 counts of child pornography in Virginia.”
One of Obama’s Dreamers. His dreams were under 15.
BEST OF TWITTER:
FINALLY, Scott Jennings gave a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition. He tried to do Jeff Foxworth You-Might-Be-A-Redneck jokes (“if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. . .”) changing the last word to Republican. It did not go well because instead of jabbing Republicans, he made it partisan (“if you believe there are two genders. . .”)
Maybe he did not want to offend his audience. But he was addressing the Republican Jewish Coalition. Come on. How many people would that be? 12?
Let’s try this. If Olive Garden is your favorite Italian restaurant, you might be a Republican.
If you wear socks with your sandals, you might be a Republican.
If you believe black pepper is too spicy, you might be a Republican.
If you keep the toilet seat down when you’re done, you might be a Democrat male.
Oops. That last one just slipped out.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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