Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
An aging, corrupt old fool somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, January 31. Begin Transcript:
“Sir? Umm… are you done with your call, sir?”
“What’s that? I wasn’t on a call.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I heard soft voices so I assumed you were on speakerphone in your office, sir. I’ve been waiting with your soup in the staircase.”
“No, no, I was just watching something on YouTube. Nevermind. What’s the soup today?”
“Manhattan clam chowder, sir. Since you liked the New England the other night.”
“Oh, good idea. Haven’t had that in a long time. Lemme at it.”
“Sir, I have a question.”
“Fire away, son. Yummm. This smells good…”
“Sir, I’ve been taking some law classes… slowly, you know, part time student and all that …”
“Good for you.”
“Well, sir, we’re studying the FCPA this month, sir.”
“What’s that? Effsee Peeaye? Never heard of it.”
“No sir, F.C.P.A., sir. You know, the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.”
“Never heard of it.”
“You must’ve, sir. Remember Siemens AG, how so many American companies were losing bids to Siemens in the third world for years and years and years, and it turned out that Siemens was bribing foreign governments, and that’s why they kept winning bids. So the US got Germany to cooperate and they caught Siemens and fined them billions of dollars…”
“Billions?”
“Yes, sir, billions, sir.”
“Wow. I like the sound of that. Like to get my hands on that.”
“Well, we did, sir. These are fines, paid to the US treasury.”
“Oh well. Close. Go on.”
“So anyway, as I understand it, the FCPA bans all kinds of bribes, both cash and in-kind. Right?”
“Yeah, I suppose so, son. Now i know what you’re talking about…. There’s an old saying in the law: Water finds its own level. So if you only ban cash bribes, they’ll find some other way to bribe people. So you ban every other way to get money to the official in addition to bribes.”
“That’s it, sir. My law professor said the limits apply to brothers and sisters, children, even cousins in some cases. It applies to gifts and trips…”
“Yup, trips too, dammit. Hate that. We used to get offered such great trips, and we could never accept them. I’ve heard of companies offering Mercedeses and BMWs to third world ministers of commerce and transportation and defense… but not lately. Not since the Siemens prosecutions. That stuff’s dried up since companies got scared out of FCPA prosecutions.”
“I see. So what do companies do instead, if they can’t give cash or presents?”
“Well, they offer jobs that look legit. Like, you’ve gotta have a sales manager, so you hire the transportation minister’s brother. Or you’ve gotta have a secretary, so you hire the majority leader’s daughter. Or you want to open a store or factory in country, so you hire the prime minister’s cousin to run it.”
“Isn’t that so obvious, they’d get caught, sir?”
“Well, that’s the thing. With this sort of thing, they have to try to find a way to make it believable that it’s not a bribery hire. Can you demonstrate that this person really truly IS the best factory manager in the country? Or can you show that he really DOES have the best sales contacts and knowledge of this industry or this product in the country? But it’s often hard to prove.”
“So what do companies do to get around it, sir?”
“Well… you can’t always get around it. Sometimes they get caught for the violation. One trick I’ve heard companies use is to hire someone with an alternate name… like the maiden name of the minister’s wife, or the middle name of the majority leader’s brother. The company has to be very careful, but if they do it right, they can get away with it. And that’s the key to getting the contract.”
“And beating the honest competition. Right, sir?”
“Well, yes, son, that goes without saying. That’s the whole point.”
“Sir, umm, how odd can it be? Like, what if the company hires a speaker of the house’s daughter as a magazine editor, or hires the majority leader’s daughter as spokesmodel?”
“Well, I don’t know… I guess it’s all up to judges and juries. First, the DoJ has to decide they want to prosecute, then they look at it and see if they’ve got a case. It’s hard, frankly. Takes the full committment of the DoJ, and a lot of work and money. Gotta be a seriously big case to make it stick. And if the company can demonstrate that the hire really was arguably qualified, and really did the work, then the FCPA case might lose. But if the person was clearly unqualified, or never actually showed up so it can be proven it was a ghost payrolling job, then they’ve got a case, and they can nail you to the wall.”
“So, what you’re saying, sir, is… if they hire someone who shows up and tries, they will probably get away with it. But if they hire someone who nobody could ever dream was qualified, like a person who’s tone deaf to sing a commercial jingle, or an ugly girl to be a model… or a person who knows nothing about alcohol to be a liquor sales manager… then it’s going to be harder to get away with it if the bribes are noticed?”
“Yes, that’s about it. You have to hope nobody notices that you’ve hired someone woefully incompetent or unqualified, because if those make it to court, the fines are usually much higher than the bribes themselves were.”
“Wow, thank you, sir. That really helps, sir.”
“Glad to hear it, son. I haven’t helped a kid with his homework since… hmmm… let’s see… I’m 78, the kids were born… hmm… come to think of it, I’ve never helped a kid with homework before! This is neat!”
“Um, thank you sir. Very grateful. I’ll be able to speak intelligently on the matter in class tomorrow. Thank you.”
“Need anything else, son?”
“Well, sir, I WAS wondering… by any chance… do you know… why they don’t enforce the FCPA against people who bribe US officials? Why is it only enforced against people who bribe foreign officials?”
“Good question son. I honestly haven’t the faintest idea. But hey… thank goodness they don’t, eh?”
copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon
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