Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, March 12. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, boss! Happy Friday, sir!”
“Oh, right. Friday.”
“How ya doing tonight, sir?”
“Oh, okay, I guess… what’s that you have there?”
“A fresh bowl of soup, sir!”
“Soup? Good idea. I haven’t had soup in the longest time… thanks for thinking of me, young man.”
“Sir, I bring you soup every night… every night since the installation, sir.”
“Oh? Well, that’s nice. I don’t recall, though…..”
“Manhattan Clam Chowder, sir!”
“Oh, clam chowder, huh? What color is it?”
“Color, sir? Does color matter, sir?”
“Come on, man! Of course color matters! Color is everything!”
“Oh, well, then, I guess it’s red, sir.”
“Oh goody. Are there crackers?”
“Yes sir. But the crackers are white, sir, if that’s okay with you, sir.”
“Mmm…. haven’t had soup in years. This is good….”
“Sir, you just had soup last night, sir.”
“Don’t remember.”
“Well, sure, sir, I brought it.”
“You lying dog face pony soldier!”
“Oh, never mind, sir. Enjoy your soup.”
“Mmmm… this IS good. What did they call it again?”
“Manhattan Clam Chowder, sir.”
“Mmm. Manhattan, huh? Now why was I thinking about Manhattan today…”
“Maybe because New York has been in the news, sir?”
“Oh, right. New York. Why would that be?”
“Umm… well, sir, maybe you had a meeting today about taxes? New York’s really in trouble, sir, because our own Democrats in their city and state government basically shut down their entire tourist industry for a year and they’re bleeding jobs and tax revenue, sir. Maybe that’s why New York’s on your mind, sir?”
“No, that’s not it…”
“Umm, well, sir, maybe you had a meeting today discussing how our own Democrat governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, has basically made himself so hated in Albany that over half the state legislature is calling for his impeachment? That was in the news today, sir, could that be why New York is on your mind, sir?”
“Ahh, no… No, can’t be that… Hmm… Half the legislature? Really?”
“And both senators now too, sir.”
“Whaddaya mean, both? New York has more than two state senators! They have a full state senate, like everybody else!”
“Oh, no, sir, sorry, sir, I meant, both US senators, sir.”
“Huh? In New York? Jim Buckley and Jacob Javits?”
“No sir, they’re gone, sir.”
“Oh, right… Moynihan and D’Amato.”
“No, sir, they’re gone, sir.”
“They are? Oh, right… Hillary Clinton, yeah.”
“No sir, she left to serve with you in the White House, remember?”
“Oh, did she win?”
“No, sir, you did, You and President Obama, remember? And you made her Secretary of State, sir, remember?”
“We did?”
“Yes sir.”
“Why the hell would we do that?”
“I’m betting you’re not the first to ask that question, sir.”
“Hmm… well, what were we talking about, boy?”
“I mentioned that both US Senators from New York have now called for Andrew Cuomo to step down.”
“They have?”
“Yes sir.”
“Who are New York’s senators now?”
“Umm… Chuck Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand, sir.”
“No… really?”
“Yes sir.”
“Well, how do ya like that. Kirsten Gillibrand. She’s cute!”
“Umm… I suppose so, sir. She took Hillary Clinton’s seat, sir.”
“Heckuva improvement! Lucky New York!”
“Umm… I suppose so sir….”
“So they’re trying to push out Mario’s boy, huh?”
“Yes sir. Is that what they were talking about in your meetings today, sir?”
“Nope. First I’ve heard of it. Now what were they talking about… I remember they talked about New York. Something about a big boat that they never used…”
“OH, yes, sir, I think I understand now, sir. Did you have one of those deconstruction follow-up meetings after your address last night, sir?”
“My what?”
“Your address, sir.”
“Oh, yes, it’s… umm… my address is… ummm… oh, gosh darn it, I know this….my address is… the Doctor makes me repeat it six times every morning so that she’s sure i know it in case I go outside and wander around and get lost again…. Now what IS my address…”
“No, sir, that’s not what i meant, sir. You gave a televised address last night, sir, a speech, sir…. and there was some, uh, blowback, sir.”
“Oh? Was it my stutter? I can work on that…. I’m sure if I just try harder…”
“Oh, no sir, not about that, sir. it was about some of the tall tales in the speech, sir. You know, the, um, well, the lies, sir… that the audience could easily fact-check, you know, sir?”
“I don’t know what you mean, son. You know I don’t write those things, never have… I haven’t the foggiest idea what they’re even about…. I just read ’em. Writing ’em’s somebody else’s job.”
“Yes, sir, I’ve been getting that idea, sir, thank you, sir… but my point is, sir, there were a few lines in the speech that got even the Democrat papers to start shouting ‘fact check!’ you know? Even the Washington Post said some of it went too far, sir, with all due respect, sir…”
“Well, I don’t remember everything from last night… hell, I don’t remember anything… period. So could you tell me what they complained about?”
“Well, sir, they complained about your talk about Covid, sir. You said at one point that when Covid hit the USA, Mr. Trump didn’t do anything about it… didn’t acknowledge it… left us all to suffer without leadership, basically, sir.”
“Well, sure!”
“But sir, that’s the kind of thing they can easily fact check, sir.”
“They can? How can they do that?”
“Well, with the internet, sir, for one thing. But it was only a year ago, so memories exposed some of the lies too, sir.”
“Damn. So what happened to give me away?”
“Well, sir, as soon as they heard the slightest rumor of what the Chinese did in Wuhan, sir, President Trump shut down inbound passenger flights from China… then just shortly later, he shut down inbound flights from Europe…”
“No way, if he had done that I would have remembered… I would have cheered it.”
“No sir, you didn’t… you attacked him as a racist and xenophobe for doing it, sir.”
“I did?”
“You did, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And then, sir, the president put a naval ship in a New York harbor, all outfitted as a Covid treatment facility, sir, since there were fears that the hospitals would fill up with patients, sir. They didn’t, but that was the fear.”
“Oh, so that navy ship was there for New York to use for the hospitals’ overflow patients?”
“Yes sir.”
“Well, hell, if he’d done that, I would’ve complimented him. I would’ve cheered that…”
“You attacked it, sir. You apparently said that everything president Trump did about the virus was the wrong thing to do, sir. And New York never utilized the ship sir, so it was a big generous offer by the government, that got spurned, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And then there’s the whole thing about the vaccines, sir.”
“What about the vaccines?”
“Well, sir, they’re saying… please forgive me, sir, I’m not saying it, they are… that you’re claiming full credit for how we now have hundreds of millions of shots already being distributed.”
“Yup, I did great, didn’t I?”
“But sir… everyone knows that was a Trump program.”
“No, oh, no way… i did all that in my first 40 days!”
“Sir, umm, sir, the vaccine was developed, tested, and readied for distribution over the past year, sir…. long before you assumed the office, sir. The vaccines were all totally developed before your installation, sir. Everybody’s saying that you’re claiming credit that’s just not really yours, sir.”
“Everybody knows?”
“Yes sir. Everybody knows.”
“You mean, even outside of Washington?”
“Sir, people know that the vaccine was a Trump administration win all over the world, sir.”
“Come on, man!”
“Well, sir, umm… yes sir. It’s true. So maybe some of these claims aren’t going to be all that helpful, sir, going forward, now that everybody knows the truth, sir. You know what I mean? Maybe… dialing back the boasting might be a good move, you know?”
“I see, yes, that makes sense. I guess.”
“Thank you, sir. Just to protect you, sir. Just so people don’t think you’re claiming something that you’re not responsible for, you know, sir?”
“Right. I’m not responsible. This is good soup, but I didn’t make it, boy. I, uh, I gotta give credit to my staff for developing the soup.”
“Yes sir, and the vaccine, sir. You have to give credit to the Trump administration, and the researchers and businesses in private industry, who developed the vaccines, sir.”
“Vaccine? What vaccine?”
“For the Covid, sir? You know, sir, the virus? From Wuhan?”
“There’s a virus? What’s a virus? Can I get anti-biotics for it?”
“Oh, sir…. don’t worry, sir… I think, um… well… you may as well just finish your soup, sir.”
“Soup? There’s soup?”
“About half a bowl left, sir. Enjoy.”
“Ooohhh… Manhattan Clam Chowder! Yum!”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon.
His latest book, “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three,” was just published in November, 2023.
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