Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, March 18. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, boss! How’s your day?”
“What?”
“It’s a beautiful Thursday, how’s everything sir?”
“Oh. I don’t know.”
“Why, what’s wrong, sir?”
“Russians. It’s always the Russians.”
“Really? What a coincidence, sir!”
“Huh?”
“Well, I have your soup tonight!”
“Oh, good. That’ll help. I love soup.”
“Here you are, sir, a nice hot bowl of borscht.”
“Come on, man!”
“Yup, the chef said it was a good day for borscht. She didn’t say why, she just said borscht was the soup to do today.”
“Oh, great.”
“What’s wrong, sir?”
“I really don’t want borscht, boy.”
“Oh, I think I know what you mean, sir. The chef said she checked all the recipes for Russian borscht and she didn’t think they looked good, but then she found this recipe for a Ukrainian borscht and she thought it would work. It has beef stock and some beef in it too, with carrots and onions and potatoes, she said, so it’s not just all beets, sir.”
“Oh… umm… When I was a boy in Scranton… I don’t know if you knew, but, see, I grew up in Scranton…”
“Yes sir, I think I’ve heard”
“Oh, you have? Okay. Well, back in Scranton, Borscht was what the poorest immigrants from Poland or Russia or Germany or whatever would cook. It’s not something we looked forward to.”
“Well, sir, the chef said you might be hesitant, and she asked me to tell you to give it a try, sir.”
“Oh.”
“And here are some crackers too, sir. I know you’ll want crackers with this.”
“Right.”
“So what’s the problem today, sir? As the trainer said to the racehorse, why the long face?”
“Huh?”
“Um, just, what’s up, sir? Why was it such a bad day?”
“Russia’s mad at me for something. I don’t know why.”
“Oh, because you called Vladimir Putin a killer, sir?”
“I did?”
“Yes sir. And, um, you said that you believe his government tried to sabotage your campaign and help Mr Trump, sir.”
“I did?”
“Well, yes, sir, on national television, sir.”
“Oh.”
“One of those Sunday shows that everyone watches, all over the world.”
“Oh.”
“Yes sir, apparently your interview caused a bit of, umm, an international incident, sir.”
“Oh. That must be why my shoulder hurts so much.”
“Your shoulder, sir?”
“After the Doctor heard about it, she had to hit me… again and again.”
“Er, umm, ‘had to’, sir?”
“Yeah. She said it was the only way I’d learn. The Doctor said it was the only way I’d remember not to do it again.”
“Good heavens, sir!”
“She knows what’s right. I need to learn. I need to obey better. I’m lucky I have her. She’s a doctor.”
“Umm, her doctorate is in education, sir. They only surgery that a doctorate in education trains people to do is to extract brain tissue.”
“I messed up and now my staff has to fix it. I don’t deserve soup.”
“Well, now, don’t say that, sir. Are the Russians doing something in response, sir?”
“They recalled somebody.”
“Oh? Who, sir?”
“I can’t recall.”
“Uh, their ambassador, sir? Did they recall their ambassador?”
“Yes, that’s it. The ambassador.”
“Well, that happens all the time, doesn’t it?”
“No. Not since the 90s. I messed up big.”
“Well, sir, what can they do to us, sir? I mean, it’s not like they’d start a war over it, right?”
“Well, I suppose not. What could they do….”
“Well, sir, let’s not think about what they COULD do. Let’s think about what they will do. What they COULD do would be horrible, but I’m sure they wouldn’t do that, sir.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, you know, sir… launch a thermonuclear war, sir.”
“Could they do that?”
“Well, yes, sir, sure. I mean, they’re too sensible to do it, but sure, they could.”
“Does Putin have nuclear weapons?”
“Sir, he’s got as many as we do.”
“He does?”
“Well, sure, sir… I mean, there are different sizes and styles and speeds and payloads and all… i don’t really know anything about it, but sure, they’ve got about as many as we do. All through your years in the senate, remember all those SALT treaties and things?”
“Yeah?”
“All those negotiations to reduce weapons? How they talked about cutting 100 of these and 200 of those and so forth, stage by stage?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, sir, what did you think that was about, sir?”
“Calories?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Well, in the 70s and 80s, people were always talking about cutting calories.. And they were always saying to give up salt, so… I thought… I thought we were talking about dieting. You mean we weren’t?”
“Umm… no sir.”
“So, I’ve just offended a guy with nuclear bombs?”
“About as many as we have, sir.”
“Oh boy.”
“I wouldn’t worry, sir. He’s not going to start that kind of a war with us, sir.”
“He’s not?”
“No, sir, I’m sure he’s not, sir. Whatever Putin is, sir, he’s not stupid.”
“He’s not?”
“No, sir. No, he has a lot of surrogates, a lot of client states… i suppose he could direct some of his minions to cause us trouble… but he’s not going to start a nuclear war over this, sir.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.”
“Frankly, sir, I think the damage he could do would be more in terms of diplomacy, you know, sir?”
“How’s that?”
“Well, sir, you know he’s been around a long time, over twenty years, sir. He probably has friendly relationships with dozens of other world leaders, both in the third world and the first, sir.”
“So?”
“Well, sir, so… he could poison the well, so to speak, sir.”
“Huh?”
“You know, sir, he could talk to other presidents and prime ministers and dictators he knows, and just badmouth you, you know? He could say that they shouldn’t make deals with us because the US won’t keep deals, they can’t trust us, things like that. I think that’s how he’d get back at you if he wanted to, sir. I mean, you know, if he wanted to.”
“How could he say that? How could he say I wouldn’t keep my deals?”
“Well, sir, you, umm, you did break all the commitments that the USA made with Bahrain and Morocco and the UAE and Sudan and so forth in the Abraham Accords, sir… that was just a few weeks ago.”
“Oh. I forgot about that.”
“I doubt if anyone else did, sir.”
“Oh.”
“I mean, I don’t know anything about it, you know, I’m just guessing. But if I wanted to get back at you for an insult, if I were in his shoes, that’s the sort of thing I’d do, sir. Poison the well somehow. Show that I don’t respect you. Something like that, sir. so that your administration can’t get anywhere on your initiatives, sir. Whatever they are.”
“Oh.”
“On the bright side, though, it’s not like he’d actually start a war. So that’s good, you know? He won’t attack us. Even though he could. Because luckily, sir, he’s smart.”
“Oh.”
“I was wondering about one other thing, sir… I heard just a snippet of it on the radio, and I can’t imagine I heard it right, so I was hoping to check it with you, sir…”
“Oh?”
“Well, sir, I heard that Mr. Putin challenged you to a public, televised conversation or debate, sir. Televised. Without notes or teleprompter. Or help, sir.”
“Oh.”
“Did I hear that right sir?”
“I guess so.”
“You’re not going to do it, are you?”
“Do what?”
“Participate in a live, televised conversation with him, without notes or aides or headphones, sir?”
“You can get AIDS from headphones?”
“Umm, no sir. I think I’ll take that as a no, then, sir…”
“I wonder what he’s going to do. I’m worried. You don’t think he’s shoot nuclear weapons at us, do you?”
“No, sir. I think I have the answer to my question, sir.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, sir, he issued you a public challenge to a debate that he knows your staff will have to decline, right, sir?”
“Ah, I guess, yeah?”
“And the entire world heard the challenge and is seeing your administration’s response?”
“Ah, I guess, yeah?”
“Well then. We have our answer.”
“Is that good?”
“As good as we can hope for, sir, i suppose. Enjoy your soup, sir.”
“Oh, thanks. I like soup.”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon.
His latest book, “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three,” was just published in November, 2023.
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