Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, March 20. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, boss! How’s your Saturday, sir?”
“Saturday? Doesn’t feel like a Saturday.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Oh, just another day. It’s always just another day.”
“Nothing different from day to day, sir? I thought you had different meetings, different events, different stuff to do from day to day, sir?”
“I guess. Can’t remember from day to day. It all runs together.”
“Better not do any of that, sir. The last time you tried running, you hurt your leg.”
“Huh? Oh, right. Forgot. The stairs.”
“Yes sir. That’s why you have that boot.”
“Boot? Oh, right. The boot. Forgot I had that on.”
“Well, sir, we have something sure to cheer you up tonight, sir…”
“Oh? Do I get to retire?”
“Heh heh, no, sir, don’t be silly. The term is for four years.”
“Dammit.”
“But we have soup, sir!”
“Oh, well. That’s nice anyway. I like soup.”
“The chef calls it Every Meat and Barley Soup, sir.”
“Every meat?”
“Yup, she said it’s made with lamb, beef, pork, turkey, and chicken, sir. And of course barley.”
“Is that one of those weird ethnic soups, boy?”
“Heh heh…. no, sir, she said it’s American. She spent some time looking online for this one, sir; she said it was really important to her that she make this one just right today, sir. She said once she was satisfied with it, she was going to go home and make a batch for her family too, sir.”
“Why?”
“Well, sir, because they’d be hungry, i suppose…”
“No… no, i mean, why this; why was she saying this was a big deal today?”
“Oh, she wouldn’t say. I tried it upstairs, sir, it’s really good.’
“Are there crackers?”
“Sure enough, sir… right here.”
“Hmmm… mmm… it’s good. lots of barley, some onions, nice variety. It’s good.”
“I’ll be sure to tell her, sir.”
“Mmm.. good soup.”
“Maybe she just thought of it because of how meat’s been in the news, sir.”
“Huh? Meat? Why would meat be in the news?”
“Well, sir, you know … all those efforts to push fake meat everywhere, sir.”
“Huh? Fake meat?”
“You know, sir, ‘plant-based meat,’ ‘imitation meat,’ bean burgers,’ ‘soy burgers,’ and so forth, sir? They’ve been doing it for decades, sir.”
“Well, yeah, but… why would it be in the news, I mean?”
“Well, there’s that whole March 20 meat-out thing, sir.”
“Never heard of it.”
“Oh, well, it’s kind of a political thing, sir… some of the animal rights activists and vegan activists and other folks like that have been trying to push for people to eat plant-based meat on March 20, sir.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea, sir. Maybe they figure if people try it, some of them will like it, sir, and keep eating it on other days, sir?”
“If people want to eat vegetables, why don’t they just eat vegetables?”
“You know, sir, that’s what I’ve always wondered, sir. It’s not like vegetables were just invented, sir… we’ve always had vegetables… and fruits, and grains, and dairy… it’s not like anyone has to introduce them to people as if they’d never heard of them before.”
“Right. When I was a boy in Scranton… I grew up in Scranton, you know, that’s where I’m from. I don’t know if you knew that.”
“Well, fancy that, sir. Scranton. Yes sir.”
“Well, son, when I was a boy in Scranton, you always had vegetables with your meat. Usually more vegetables than meat, in fact. A lot of days, there wasn’t any meat at all; meat was expensive back then, but you always had vegetables. So you were sure to eat your vegetables, no matter what.”
“So they really can’t be new for anyone, can they, sir?”
“Nope. Always had vegetables. Green beans or baked beans, or peas or corn… peppers and onions… steak was expensive, but everybody had vegetables, even in Scranton. Might not’ve been able to fill up on it… those were hard times, a lot of days, there wasn’t a lot to eat… but an overabundance of meat was certainly never the problem!”
“So i wonder why these people act like they have to push veggies on people now, sir.”
“No idea, boy. But then, I don’t know why anybody does anything.”
“Beg your pardon sir?”
“Hell, I don’t even know why the hell I’m here. Why the hell did I run for this job at my age anyway…”
“To escape prosecution, sir?”
“Huh? What’s that, boy?”
“Umm, to ah, shape contribution, sir?”
“Is that what you said, son?”
“Umm, yes sir, to reshape the Constitution, sir?”
“I must be having issues with my hearing again…”
“Well, sir, you are 78… You’re sure to have some hearing issues, sir, Everyone understands, sir.”
“Oh. Well, thank you.”
“So, you were saying?”
“Oh, I don’t know. What was I saying?”
“Well, sir, we were talking about all those activists trying to get people to stop eating meat today, sir.”
“Oh, right.”
“So apparently, sir, every year, a bunch of animal rights folks try to convince governors to declare a no-meat day on March 20, to get people to not buy meat, and instead, to buy plant burgers and stuff like that, sir. Colorado’s governor Polis went with it this year, sir.”
“Polis? Do I know him?”
“I wouldn’t know, sir, do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Do you know Governor Polis, sir?”
“Who’s that?”
“Umm… he’s the governor of Colorado, sir. Got in big trouble for declaring today no-meat day in Colorado.”
“Come on, Man!”
“Well, sir, yes, he did, sir. He declared it no-meat day in Colorado today, sir.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“He did, sir! Apparently another Colorado governor did it once too, sir. Declaring March 20 a no-meat day for all of Colorado, sir.”
“You lying dog faced pony soldier! No politician’s stupid enough to attack the meat industry in Colorado! It’s an agricultural state, a state full of ranchers and farmers!”
“No, sir, really, it’s true, I read it online just today, sir!”
“That’s crazy, it would be political suicide for a governor of an agricultural state to attack the meat industry! Especially in the west!”
“Well, sir, two did it now, according to the article, anyway.”
“Well that’s stupid.”
“Well, sir, it’s not for me to say, sir, but i was certainly rather surprised.”
“Farmers in Colorado raise chickens and turkeys, boy. Ranchers raise… what.. let’s see… Colorado… cattle, and sheep… they’ve got hogs… pretty sure they’ve got buffalo now… yeah, Colorado is a big livestock state. Always has been.”
“And it’s not just the farmers and ranchers, sir… I was thinking that an anti-meat effort would also hurt butchers and grocery stores and restaurants, right, sir?”
“Oh, yeah. Colorado’s full of resorts. Ski resorts. High end, expensive hotels and steakhouses, five star restaurants… one day without eating meat, even just one da…”
“… it would make voters mad, right, sir?”
“Well, the hell with the voters. It would make donors mad. That’s who you need. In a state like that, you want the associations. Voters don’t mean a damn thing, son, you can always con a voter. But donors belong to associations… every state has restaurant associations and restaurant workers associations and unions… and the hotels and the travel bureaus and the chambers of commerce, and then there’s the ranchers’ associations…”
“Aren’t those kinds of groups partisan, though, sir? Don’t they either support the Democrat or the Republican, no matter who the person is?”
“Funny thing, son, is no, these kinds of groups are often non-partisan… you mess with their members, and they’ll turn on you on a dime, even if they’ve been with your party their whole lives. We’re talking about their members’ livelihoods, here, son… these associations can be brutal.”
“Wow.”
“Oh yeah, i mean, I don’t know what it’s like in Colorado… i don’t know Colorado that well, of course, but… in Pennsylvania … i grew up in Scranton… did you know that? I’m from Scranton…”
“Yes sir, you mentioned it a little while ago.”
“Oh. Well, there are groups like that in Pennsylvania too and even if you think they’re locked into the GOP or the Democrats, you mess up once, just once, and they’ll give their endorsement to the other guy, to keep you locked in. These associations can be tough.”
“So you’re saying, sir, this Colorado governor may really be causing himself trouble huh?”
“I can’t imagine why a politician in a western state would take up with the anti-meat crowd, boy. I mean, I don’t know them, and I’m not from there, but… especially after the beating the restaurant industry has taken over the past year… sounds like political suicide to me, boy.”
“Well, sir, one article I read may have had a hint, sir. Apparently it said that the governor doesn’t much care one way or the other, sir, but his partner does.”
“His partner?”
“Yes sir. It said the governor’s boyfriend is a vegan, sir. And an anti-meat activist, sir.”
“Come on, Man!”
“Yes sir, it’s true. That’s what the article said, anyway, sir.”
“You’re telling me the state known for some of the biggest cattle markets in the west for a hundred years elected a… oh, come on, man. This is crazy.”
“Yes sir, the governor’s boyfriend apparently opposes the idea of raising meat for food, sir. It’s upsetting a lot of people, sir. Almost half the state’s counties are thumbing their nose in the governor’s face by declaring it Meat-In Day as a direct slam at the governor’s Meat-Out Day efforts, sir.”
“And that governor is a Democrat, huh?”
“Yes sir.”
“Honestly, I don’t know how our party wins elections sometimes.”
“Honestly, sir? I don’t think that’s how we win them.”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Uh, you’ve finished your soup, sir… would you like some more soup?”
“Oh, sure, it was good… Crackers too, now! don’t forget the crackers…”
“Of course, sir. Every meat soup, and plenty of crackers, sir. Be back in a jiffy, sir.”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon.
His latest book, “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three,” was just published in November, 2023.
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA
1 thought on “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Episode 30”