Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, April 8. Begin Transcript:
“Hello? You there, sir? Can I come in?”
“What is it?”
“I’m here with your soup, sir. Can I come in?”
“Soup? Sure! Come on over!”
“Okay. Man, this is weird. Here you go, sir. Your evening tray, sir.”
“What is it?”
“Duck soup, sir. ”
“Duck?”
“Yes sir. Duck and mushroom soup, sir.”
“Don’t think I’ve ever had that. Is it good?”
“Beats me. But I’ve had chicken soup and turkey soup, how different can it be?”
“Are there crackers?”
“It’s the same every day, sir. The tray has a bowl of soup, some crackers, a spoon, and a stack of napkins. The only thing that changes is the soup, sir. Can I go now?”
“Wait, what’s your hurry?”
“Gotta get back on my route, sir.”
“Route? Are you a paper boy?”
“No, sir, I’m the pizza guy, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
“Your cook orders pizza, I deliver it, and she sends me down here with your soup. So now if you don’t mind, sir…”
“You know, the cook would be happy to give you a bowl too, if you wanted to have some with me.”
“I don’t really like soup, sir.”
“Who doesn’t like soup?”
“I don’t, sir. I like pizza. And I really ought to get back to my route, sir, because I want to make some more money this week, sir. Got my eye on a purchase; gonna pull some extra shifts.”
“Oh? What are you shopping for?”
“New piece just became available. Put in my order as soon as I saw it.”
“What’s that?”
“The Ruger Max-9. It was on the cover of the American Rifleman last week. Dad was reading the Armed Citizen so I didn’t see it at first, but then when he closed the magazine, well, there it was on the cover, big as life and twice as handsome. Wow, you know? Really nice weapon.”
“Are you talking about a gun?”
“Sure! 9mm Luger. Beautiful.”
“Wait, did you say Ruger or Luger?”
“Yup.”
“Which one?”
“Both.”
“You’re buying two guns? What on earth for?”
“No, I’m buying one. I’m a pizza guy, sir… I’m not made of money, you know…”
“Wait, you’re not making sense.”
“You should talk.”
“You said you’re buying a Ruger. I’ve heard of that.”
“Good for you, sir. Want a cookie?”
“Oh, are there cookies?”
“No, sir, just soup.”
“Oh. Well. umm.. but you said you were buying a Ruger.”
“Yes sir.”
“Then you said you were buying a Luger. Isn’t that a different brand?”
“OH, I understand now. You don’t know anything about guns, do you, sir?”
“Well, sure I do! I know all about them! I just gave a press conference about guns today!”
“So? Politicians give press conferences about the economy too, sir. Doesn’t mean any of them know a damned thing about it.”
“Hey, look, don’t change the subject. What are you buying Nazi guns for?”
“Nazi guns, sir? What planet are you on?”
“I know who Luger is. They made guns for the Germans in World War II.”
“Oh boy. Okay, let me explain, sir. I’m buying a Ruger. It’s a beautiful new semi-automatic pistol made in the USA.”
“Oh.”
“Good product, good price, can’t wait to take it down to the range.”
“Oh.”
“Like all weapons, it is chambered for a certain caliber, sir. Do you know what a caliber is, sir?”
“Sure. it was a Dodge. Umm…. Union made. Umm… Illinois, I think. I remember a report about it. Don’t remember what they said.”
“Huh? No. that’s a car, sir.”
“Come on, man! Of course it’s a car! Why are you changing the subject?”
“No. Ummm… look, I don’t really know where to begin, sir. Guns are measured in calibers. It’s the diameter of the bore, sir.”
“Who’s a bore?”
“Present company excepted, sir?”
“What?”
“Every gun is made for different sizes and types of ammunition, sir. The first, most basic thing is the diameter. Then beyond that there are some other things, but you start with the ammo size, and the 9mm Luger is a very famous size and type of ammunition for handguns, sir.”
“Why did you say it was a car?”
“I didn’t. You did. When you shop for a gun, one of the first things you do is choose your caliber. Like .22 or .25 or .32 or .38…. and I was looking for a 9mm, and I saw this one on the cover and it got a really good review and it’s a decent price. That’s all.”
“You still haven’t explained what the Germans have to do with it.”
“Nothing, sir. It’s chambered in 9mm Luger. That’s the size and type of bullet, sir. It’s not actually measured in calibers, it’s metric, but we call them calibers when we talk about them in general because it’s just easier, sir, since most of them are calibers, that’s all. ”
“Huh?”
“I thought you grew up in the country, sir?”
“Scranton. I grew up in Scranton. Scranton, Pennsylvania.”
“How could you have grown up a hundred years ago in rural America and not know how guns work, sir?”
“Sure I do! I know all about ’em! I’ve written bills about ’em!”
“So? Writing bills doesn’t mean anything. Like my Dad always said, Andrew Greeley wrote about sex, but that doesn’t mean he knew a damned thing about it!”
“Huh? Who?”
“Andrew Greeley. Catholic priest. Novelist. Really popular in my Dad’s day, sir.”
“Was he good?”
“He was popular, sir.”
“Do you like his books?”
“Never read one, sir.”
“Oh. Did your dad like his books?”
“I doubt if he ever read one either, sir.”
“So why did he talk about him?”
“Because Dad thought it was a funny line, sir. So did I, until now…”
“What?”
“Sir, the point is, a person can write about something and not really know a darned thing about it. It’s a good point, sir, that’s all.”
“Oh.”
“So anyway, I’m buying a Ruger, chambered in 9mm Luger, that’s all, sir.”
“Confusing.”
“No it’s not.”
“It is to me.”
“Well, that’s hardly my fault, sir.”
“Well, what do you want this thing for anyway?”
“For the range, sir.”
“You live on the range? Where is there a range around here?”
“No, sir, the rifle range. You know, a gun club? A place where you go for target practice?”
“Do they have that around here?”
“Well, of course, sir. This is America, there are ranges all over the place.”
“Isn’t that dangerous?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No! It sounds dangerous!”
“A rifle range is the safest place in America, sir. It’s when you leave and go into one of your cities full of gangs and thugs, where it gets dangerous, sir. A range is perfectly safe.”
“Huh?”
“Think about it, sir. A rifle range is full of people who are all trained in safety procedures, people who know all the rules about proper handling of firearms. And it’s full of fully armed customers, so if there’s a robber or something, he’s way outnumbered by people who are more adept than he is at the use of weapons, sir.”
“Really?”
“Well, of course, sir. Every so often you hear about some idiot who’s stupid enough to try to rob a gun shop or a range. It’s always funny. The goon’s always on the floor begging for mercy within 30 seconds, without a shot being fired. A rifle range is the safest place in the country for a law abiding citizen, sir.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Well, sir, that’s just ridiculous. A rifle range is only dangerous for criminals, sir.”
“What do you want to buy one of those things for anyway… are you gonna become a cop?”
“No, sir.”
“Gonna join the army?”
“No, sir.”
“Then what do you need one for?”
“Sir, umm….. How can you possibly be from Pennsylvania?”
“Well, I moved to Delaware when I was ten.”
“Maybe that explains it…”
“What are you gonna do with that thing, son?”
“I told you, sir. You go to the range and practice.”
“Why?”
“It’s a sport, sir.”
“It is?”
“Are you telling me you’ve never heard of marksmanship?”
“Well, sure, that’s soldiers and snipers and stuff.”
“No… not just them… It’s a terrific sport. You’re holding this tool in your hand. A beautifully balanced, top quality tool that can propel a tiny ball fifty feet, a hundred feet, three hundred feet, a mile, right exactly where you want it. You compete for accuracy, sir, for who is the best handler of this wonderfully precise tool. It’s a terrific sport, sir. A great competitive sport.”
“But Why?”
“Why do people play tennis? Why are there discus and javelin and shotput in the Olympics? Why do you golf?”
“Don’t change the subject!”
“I haven’t changed the subject! Golf and baseball are a lot like pistol marksmanship. It’s not really so much a competition against other people… it’s a competition about who can most effectively wield this tool… whether it’s a Louisville Slugger or a Ping wood or a Ruger handgun… to propel a little ball, lightning fast, in a specific direction, toward a specific point, far away. That’s what marksmanship is, sir.”
“It is?”
“Well, of course. Didn’t your dad ever take you to the range when you were a kid, sir?”
“No. Never heard of it.”
“Well, I’m sorry for you, then, sir. That’s just too bad, sir.”
“My dad was a car dealer.”
“I had a friend growing up whose dad was a car dealer. He went to the range, sir. He was normal.”
“Well. It still sounds dangerous.”
“Hell, sir, life is dangerous.”
“What?”
“Everything you do in life has SOME danger, sir. In fact, Practically every other sport is more dangerous than pistol marksmanship though, if you’re careful about it.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, sir, in pistol marksmanship, you’re in control of your surroundings. Everybody stays in his own lane, and we retrieve our targets with an automated controller. We wear proper ear protection, and at the ranges I go to, the higher calibers aren’t allowed, so your hearing is safe.”
“Oh.”
“By contrast, in baseball games, no matter how careful you are, people get injured by bats all the time. In football, people get concussions and broken limbs. People are always getting broken legs and twisted ankles and knee injuries in cross country and marathons and basketball.”
“I never thought of it like that.”
“Of course you didn’t. You’ve never lived a normal life, sir. You’ve been in politics all your life. Who do you talk to every day? Other politicians and lobbyists. For fifty years. Man, that must be hell.”
“How did you know that?”
“Oh, when I was growing up, my Dad used to turn off the TV whenever politicians were on. He said ‘never listen to anybody who doesn’t live in the real world, son, and you’ll be a happier man for it.’ Yup. He’s the best.”
“Well, that’s not fair. Of course we know about the real world. We have studies. And hearings. And reports. And slideshows. All the time. Hell, all we do is hear reports about what’s really going on in the world.”
“Right. But you don’t live in the real world yourselves. So all your ‘knowledge’ about the world comes to you second hand, by people with an axe to grind, so everything they present to you has been shaped and steered and molded to fit their goals. Man, that must be miserable. No wonder nothing that comes out of Washington ever makes sense.”
“Hey, I’ve been coming up with things in Washington for fifty years now!”
“Exactly. Look, I really have to get back on my route, sir. It’s been really, umm… interesting… talking with you, sir.”
“Drive safely. Don’t do anything dangerous with those guns, young man.”
“Sir, as long as you’re letting a hundred thousand unvetted and unvettable people from third world countries across the border every month, don’t tell me about what’s dangerous. I live my life in a manner that’s a thousand times safer for my fellow man than any of you people. Look, I’ve gotta go. Should I take this tray back upstairs?”
“Um, no. I’m not done yet.”
“Good night, sir. Enjoy your duck.”
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA