Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, discusses law enforcement, drugs, and resisting arrest.
Cheddar Ham Soup
Dateline, May 1. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir, guess what we have tonight?”
“Better be soup.”
“Well, yes sir, it’s soup….”
“Good. Don’t ever come down here without soup.”
“Umm, okay, sir… so here it is, tonight’s soup is Cheddar Ham Soup.”
“Where does she come up with these things?”
“Your cook works really hard searching cookbooks and the internet looking for interesting soups so you can get something different every single day. I think you owe her a little gratitude for trying so hard, sir. I mean, she could just rotate between chicken noodle and beef vegetable every other day, but she really tries to excel. I think it’s cool, sir.”
“Whatever. Let’s see the soup.”
“Here you go, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins, spoon, as always, sir.”
“What is this, kid?”
“Rhett, sir. The name is Rhett.”
“Never heard of a soup called rhett.”
“No, sir, that’s me, sir. My name is Rhett.”
“Oh.”
“You keep calling me Kid, sir.”
“Oh.”
“The soup is Cheddar Ham Soup, sir.”
“Oh. What’s in it?”
“Ham and cheddar, sir, I should think.”
“What else, kid?”
“I don’t really know, sir. But she’s never yet made one you haven’t liked, so maybe you should give it a chance, sir?”
“Hmm… not bad. Too thick. But it’s okay. Ham is good. Can’t go wrong with ham.”
“So how was your day, sir?”
“My day? At my age, any day above ground is okay, I guess.”
“Well, then, why do you spend all your time below ground, on purpose, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, you’re in your basement, sir. You’ve been in your basement for a year, they tell me, except for the occasional speech or press conference. Why, sir?”
“Virus! Don’t you know about the virus?”
“Well, yes sir, but you’ve had the vaccine, sir…”
“Gotta push the mask. More masks. Gotta spread the word…”
“Umm, sir, the word is spread. The whole world has seen the destruction left in its wake, sir.”
“Huh?”
“The bankrupt businesses, the millions unemployed, the whole industries destroyed, sir…”
“All because of a virus.”
“No, sir, umm, not technically… all because of government’s response to the virus, sir.”
“Come on, man!”
“Well, sir, we probably shouldn’t rehash this again, sir… we’ve been through it before, sir…”
“We have?”
“Again and again, sir.”
“We have?”
“Well, yes sir, and I can’t convince you to see reason, sir…”
“But I can convince you!”
“Not in a hundred lifetimes, sir.”
“Huh.”
“I do have a question, though, sir, if you wouldn’t mind changing the subject, sir.”
“What subject?”
“Well, sir, it’s about crime, sir.”
“Huh? Oh, I didn’t do it.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“No, I’m completely innocent of all charges.”
“Umm, sir, uhh….”
“I have an alibi. Rock solid alibi. Absolute proof I wasn’t there at the time.”
“Really, sir, this isn’t…”
“Or if I was, I certainly wasn’t involved. You know, a politician travels all over the world, giving speeches, having meetings, congressional junkets, I mean, trade missions…. we’re bound to be in the same place as the same time as some crimes happen, now and then… it’s just odds. Statistics, you know? Doesn’t mean we’re involved. Doesn’t even mean we never know what’s going on!”
“Yes sir, I’m sure that you….”
“Hell, I NEVER know what’s going on …”
“Yes sir…”
“So it wasn’t me. Couldn’t have been me. Whatever it was. I’ve, uh, I’ve been here in my basement for the last year, you know, after all…”
“Sir, this isn’t about you, sir.”
“It never is, is it? They accuse people all the time, but it’s about, well, it’s about them. It’s about others. It’s about the environment in which they were raised.”
“Yes, sir…”
“It’s about the world, kid. I mean, Rhett. It’s about the world.”
“Really, sir, I didn’t want….”
“Look, here’s the deal. It’s all about perspective. What people think of as crime is really just a call for help. It’s a manifestation of need. A need that government failed to meet.”
“Please, sir, I’m trying to ask about Andrew Brown, sir.”
“Who?”
“I’m not asking you about your crimes, sir, I’m asking you about Andrew Brown, sir.”
“Who?”
“You must know, sir… you must have heard the news reports, sir. Andrew Brown, sir? In Elizabeth City, sir?”
“Elizabeth… Good name. Does she go by Elsie?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Or Beth?”
“I’m sorry, sir, I have no idea what you mean, sir…”
“Oooh, ooh, I know, maybe Betty. Does she go by Betty? Or Betsy?”
“Who, sir?”
“I don’t know, you brought her up.”
“I only brought up Andrew Brown, sir.”
“No, you also mentioned a girl named Elizabeth.”
“Oh Good Heavens…”
“I’m always more interested in the girl’s side of a story than the boy’s, you know.”
“For crying out loud, sir…”
“So tell me about Elizabeth.”
“Elizabeth CITY, sir.”
“Oh.”
“In North Carolina, sir.”
“Oh.”
“A town where a drug dealer named Andrew Brown was shot while resisting arrest last week, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So what I was wondering, sir… well, frankly, what my whole family is wondering, sir, because, see, they know I work here, and they kind of asked me to ask you, sir, since I have this kind of unique access, sir… and I’m trying not to abuse, it, sir… but my family thought maybe I should ask about this one, because it seems to be such a good opportunity for the administration to take a solid stand in support of law enforcement to maybe help even out the balance a bit, sir… after all these incidents of tougher calls, you know, sir? Sir? Umm… Sir?”
“Zzzzzz… Hmmmm…. Zzzzz…”
“Sir, did you nod off, sir?”
“Huh? Oh. Mmm… What’s that?”
“Well, sir, I was just hoping that we could talk about the Andrew Brown shooting, sir.”
“Why?”
“Because it seems like a good opportunity for you to come out in support of law enforcement, sir.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Well, sir, because it’s all been so unbalanced lately, and we all think that if you were to come out properly defending these police, sir, it might help even out some of the uneven coverage and all the excitement, sir, you know?”
“Oh.”
“So… Andrew Brown, sir. What do you think, sir? Do you remember the case, sir?”
“No.”
“Known drug dealer, rap sheet a mile long, all his life in trouble with the law, known to have been selling hard drugs, police went to pick him up and he resisted arrest… and he was shot, and died while resisting arrest, sir. and now ‘the community’ is upset, sir.”
“Well, maybe they got the wrong guy.”
“No, sir, he was the right guy, sir.”
“Oh. Maybe it was an illegal pursuit.”
“The police were acting on a valid warrant, sir.”
“Oh. Maybe the police didn’t identify themselves.”
“They were uniformed, fully armed, in a police vehicle, sir.”
“Oh. Maybe they shouldn’t have gone in so tough… I mean, it’s not like they knew he was going to resist arrest.”
“He’s been charged with resisting arrest ten times, sir. And that’s just in adulthood, sir. We don’t know how often he resisted arrest as a teenager, sir.”
“Oh. Well, maybe it’s all an overreaction. It’s not like the guy was a hardened criminal. He was out free, after all.
“He was most recently released four years ago after his latest 14 months in prison, sir. Rap sheet a mile long, sir.”
“Well, you know, what constitutes a ‘rap sheet,’ after all. A lot of the things they say are on a rap sheet are mild, harmless things…”
“He’s been convicted twelve times on drug charges alone, sir.”
“Oh.”
“His whole life, sir. He deals hard drugs, gets arrested for it, resists arrest, finally gets convicted, then goes back to dealing drugs again. A life as a drug dealer, sir.”
“Well, it’s not like he was a violent guy or anything.”
“You ever see anyone strung out on hard drugs, sir?”
“Well, uhh….”
“I used to volunteer at a local hospital, sir. I remember the addicts, sir. There’s nothing pretty about that, sir. Nothing victimless about it, sir. People who get folks hooked on these things are killers, sir. If you don’t see that, you’re fooling yourself.”
“Well, how did he die?”
“The police shot him as he was resisting arrest, sir.”
“Now, maybe he wasn’t resisting arrest. Maybe he was just taking a minute to get ready. How can they be so sure he was resisting arrest?
“He was in his car, peeling out of the driveway, trying to get out of there as fast as he could, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So as I was saying, sir, we all thought, if you wanted to help de-escalate the current troubles, sir, maybe if you could say something in support of police, using this as an opportunity to show balance, and an appreciation for the dangerous life of our police, sir, you know, a good anti-drug message and a pro law enforcement message, sir. This would be such a good time for it, you know, sir?”
“What for?”
“Well, sir, to help de-escalate the current troubles, sir.”
“Why would we want to do that?”
“Well, sir, I mean….”
“This is good soup. Be a good boy, kid, and go get me another bowl, huh?”
“Uhh, sir, I’m a bit confused, sir….”
“Look, here’s the deal. Just get me some more soup, and mind your own business now. Run along while I take a little nap. I get so tired, nowadays….”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
As an actor performing in Chicagoland theatre, John will be featured as “Old Joe” Boyd in the musical comedy “Damn Yankees” at St. Stephen Protomartyr in Des Plaines, IL, only on Fridays, March 1 and 8, 2024.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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