Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, discusses the congressman from Wyoming and the question of election fraud…
Turncoats, Nepotism, and Wyoming Fireside Beef Goulash Soup
Dateline, May 12. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! Guess what we have tonight!”
“I’m too old to guess. Just tell me and cut out the hijinx.”
“Oh, you never want to have any fun, sir. Wyoming Fireside Beef Goulash Soup, sir.”
“Come on, Man!”
“What’s wrong with that, sir? Sounds delicious to me, sir.”
“All these names. Soups with four or five words in them … as many words in the title as they have ingredients. Whatever happened to simple soups like Chicken Noodle and Beef Barley?”
“Well, sir, you know your cook tries really hard to give you a nice variety. She just said today how, as long as you’re unable to take advantage of the White House mess because of this pandemic stuff, she’ll at least make sure you get a selection of soups, sir.”
“When I was a kid growing up in Scranton… I don’t know if you knew this, son, but I’m from Scranton…”
“Never would’ve guessed, sir.”
“Well anyway, in Scranton, I don’t think there were four soups in the whole town. And we didn’t mind. Never insisted on anything fancy or weird. All these choices are confusing.”
“What choices, sir? Your cook does all the research, sir. She hunts down the recipes and makes them for you, sir.”
“Well, it’s the principle of the thing.”
“So this is the line, sir? On this, you care about principle? On soup?”
“Huh?”
“Anyway, sir, here it is, and it sure looks delicious. Soup, crackers, spoon, napkins. Enjoy your soup, sir.”
“Mmmm… soup. Been looking forward to this.”
“So I’m guessing, sir, that the cook thought of a Wyoming dish because Wyoming’s been in the news, huh? Think that’s a safe bet, sir?”
“I don’t make bets.”
“You don’t, sir?”
“Stick to a sure thing. If you can’t fix it, don’t bother with it.”
“Oh. I see, sir.”
“Mmmm… This isn’t bad.”
“So i was wondering what happened over here when the news made it over from Capitol Hill, sir.”
“News? What news?”
“About the representative from Wyoming, sir.”
“Who?”
“You know, sir, the Congressman from Wyoming, sir. Oh, what’s that name again…”
“Cheney? What’s Dick Cheney doing in the news?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Man, I thought he retired. What’s he doing now?”
“No, sir, not him, sir, his daughter, sir.”
“What about her?”
“Well, sir, she’s in Congress now, sir.”
“Oh. What for?”
‘Well, to represent Wyoming, sir, I suppose.”
“Isn’t that her dad’s job?”
“Uhh… no, sir, not for a long time… remember, he was vice president for a while, sir?”
“Huh?”
“The eight years before you, sir?”
“Oh.”
“So his daughter ran for his old seat, sir.”
“Oh. Did she win?”
“Uh, yes, sir, she’s been in for two terms, sir.”
“Oh. Back bencher. Gotcha.”
“Well, sir, no, she’s not a back bencher, sir. She’s in leadership… at least, she was, until today, sir.”
“You lost me. Look, I know my brain’s 78 years old, but… nobody gets into leadership in just two terms.”
“Well, she did, sir. She was conference chair in her second term., sir.”
“How did she do that?”
“I don’t know, sir. You’re the politician; you tell me, sir.”
“Oh, well… uhh… look, here’s the deal… you get leaderships posts in Congress by having been there a long time so everyone knows you, or by being from a really important district, or by being a really great fundraiser…”
“She’s a former vice president’s daughter. Might that help?”
“Huh? Oh, right. Yup, that would help.”
“So here I am, telling you stuff, I thought you’d be able to tell me about this ouster thing, sir!”
“Ouster? What ouster?”
“The Republicans throwing her out, sir!”
“They did?”
“You haven’t heard, sir?”
“Well, umm, I’ve been down here in my basement, uhh, working…”
“Is that a paused Super Smash Brothers tournament on your monitor, sir?”
“Oh, well, uhh, you know, I want to be ready when my granddaughter visits.”
“Oh, you keep telling yourself that, sir.”
“Huh?”
“So I was wondering how you felt about the Republicans throwing her out of her top leadership role like that, but you’re not familiar with the situation, sir, so…”
“What did they throw her out of?”
“Third leadership role in the House, sir.”
“Wow.”
“Something about supporting you too much, sir.”
“Come on, man! A Cheney? No way.”
“Yes, sir, that’s what they said. Even though she has a solid conservative ACU voting record.”
“I don’t understand. Is she supporting me or opposing me?”
“I guess that’s what the Republicans weren’t clear on, sir. She kept saying you won, and attacking President Trump for saying he won, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Well, the Republicans said they had to punish her for supporting the Biden administration narrative that there’d been no cheating in the 2020 election, sir.”
“Wait a minute, I must have heard wrong. She said there was no cheating in the 2020 election?”
“Yes sir, again and again, sir.”
“A Republican from Wyoming said there’s no cheating in American elections?”
“Yes sir.”
“Heh heh. Oh that’s good. Heh heh.”
“What is it, sir?”
“A Republican saying there’s no cheating. Heh heh. That’s something else. Heh heh.”
“What’s so funny, sir?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be funny, of course, if it were a Democrat saying it. But a Republican, heh heh…. oh… heh heh….”
“Why is that funny, sir?”
“Well, oh, I guess it’s not, but, well, see, oh, you know the thing, umm, it’s just when one person takes a position you’d expect another person to take, well… heh heh.. it’s really something, that’s all… Heh heh…”
“I see, sir.”
“Did she say anything in particular that upset her caucus? Did you hear?”
“Well, yes sir, I mean, I won’t be able to do it perfectly, sir, I heard it on the car radio, sir, but she said things like, that President Trump is undermining democracy by challenging the election…”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Umm… and she said that he provoked a violent attack on Congress…”
“SHE SAID THAT?”
“Yes, sir, she did, just today, sir…”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Ummm…. oh my…. umm, sir…”
“What else did she say?”
“Well, let’s see, I remember she said something about how our system requires that we accept the decision of the electoral college, sir…”
“HAHAHAHAHA!”
“And that lots of judges turned down the submitted evidence of vote fraud, sir…”
“Oh, that’s rich! They never looked at it! The judges never looked at it! And she says the judges said the evidence was wrong, when they threw the cases out of court??? HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Well, sir, I guess, I’m a bit confused, sir…”
“The shoe’s on the other slipper now, huh, son?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“So you don’t know what’s funny, huh?”
“No sir.”
“Well, maybe you’re too young to know. You spend a few more years in Washington and we’ll give you the details. But for now… Let’s just say this much. You spin for your own side. That’s what you do. that’s how politics works. You may spin all day long, but you make sure your always spinning for your own side. You never spin for the other side.”
“And you’re saying that Congressman Cheney was spinning for your side, sir?”
“That’s the way it sounds to me!”
“But I mean, sir, isn’t it possible, I mean, that is… mightn’t she just be right about this, sir?”
“Heh heh. Oh, heh heh…. Oh, that’s a good one… Heh heh…”
“Are you all right, sir?”
“Heh heh. Oh, heh heh…. HAHAHAHAHAHA…..”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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