Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, discusses just exactly why everything in the Middle East seems to be going wrong all of a sudden…
The Fungibility of Money, and Mediterranean Shrimp and Orzo Soup
Dateline, May 14. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! Friday has arrived; another week down!”
“Oh brother. You again, huh?”
“What, you’re not looking forward to your soup tonight, sir? It smells delicious… I have a feeling you’ll love it, sir!”
“Whatever. What is it tonight.”
“The cook outdid herself, sir. I arrived early and tried a cup upstairs. Mediterranean Shrimp and Orzo Soup, sir.”
“Huh? Mediterranean? I’m not interested in the Mediterranean.”
“Oh, give it a chance, sir. It’s really great!”
“All right. What’s in it?”
“Shrimp, scallops, onions, tomato, bell peppers, and orzo!”
“What’s that last one?”
“Orzo, sir. Noodles.”
“Looks like rice.”
“Yes sir. They’re short noodles that look like rice, sir.”
“Then why not just use rice?”
“Well, uh, I guess, because they don’t taste like rice, and aren’t rice, and aren’t trying to be rice, sir. They’re just noodles of a certain shape that happens to look a little like fat rice, sir, that’s all.”
“They shouldn’t make noodles that look like something else. It’s confusing.”
“Well, you don’t look at fusilli and mistake them for springs just because they look like springs, do you, sir?”
“No.”
“You don’t look at pasta wheels and mistake them for your limo’s tires, do you, sir?”
“No.”
“You don’t look at pasta shells and think you’re biting into real clams and mussels, do you, sir?”
“Are you done yet?”
“No, sir, actually this is fun. One more. You don’t see a bowl of farfalle and grab a butterfly net…”
“I’ll be calling in the people with butterfly nets for you in a minute, kid…”
“Well, try your soup, then, sir! You seem grumpy, I’m just trying to cheer you up, sir.”
“Well don’t, I’m a busy man.”
“Sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to upset you. Try your soup. Enjoy.”
“Are there crackers?”
“Always, sir. Right here. Soup, crackers, spoon, napkins.”
“All right. Mmm. Not bad. Tastes Eye-talian.”
“Well, yes sir, it probably is, sir.”
“Don’t see why she has to use a Mediterranean recipe on a week like this.”
“A week like what, sir?”
“When everything’s going to hell over there, of course. Don’t you pay attention to anything?”
“Well, I try, sir, but you know I’ve got two part time jobs, and I’m studying to get back into college, so it’s not like I’m going to be up on everything, sir. What were you referring to, sir?”
“Israel and Gaza shooting rockets at each other, of course! Haven’t you heard? They’ve been shooting at each other all week!”
“Oh. Well, I didn’t think you’d want to talk about that, sir, so I assumed something else was on your mind, sir.”
“What? What else would be on my mind on a day like this?”
“Oh, I don’t know, sir. Masks, climate change, wealth redistribution… like my dad says, ‘Politicians always have a million things in their heads that are none of their business.’ So I’m never surprised to hear what you guys talk about all day. It’s why I find this job so interesting, sir. Finding out what Washington thinks are the world’s problems … it’s just so different from what really ARE the world’s problems, you know, sir?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. We’re here fighting for you, every day, working on what you need, whether you know it or not!”
“Like what, sir?”
“What? Well, like… uh… carbon footprint! That’s not a problem you can solve on your own! You need government to solve it!”
“What’s a carbon footprint, sir?”
“It’s the greenhouse gases! The amount of carbon dioxide on earth!”
“Sir, there’s nothing more natural than carbon dioxide. We breathe in oxygen and nitrogen, we breathe out carbon dioxide and nitrogen. It’s how we live. It’s how all animals live. Until about 30 years ago, everybody on earth knew that. Only a few crazy politicians could dream up the idea that what we exhale is somehow a problem for the earth, sir.”
“Well… masks then! Masks are important! Without masks, you’d be at risk of the virus!”
“We’re at risk of viruses whether we wear masks or not, sir. There’s no appreciative difference in the virus’ death rates between states with mask mandates and states without them, sir. Masks have killed economies, of course, but they aren’t saving lives from the virus, sir.”
“But, Doctor Fauci! Haven’t you listened to Doctor Fauci?”
“Sir, you just told me that carbon dioxide is a terrible thing that’s destroying the planet by causing global warming, which is insane by the way, but still, let’s assume for the moment it’s true, and carbon dioxide is a terrible thing. Okay, sir?”
“Uh, yeah. Right. It is.”
“Okay, so then you tell me you want me to wear a mask all the time because you’re afraid I’m going to catch the virus if I don’t, right?”
“Doctor Fauci says!”
“Yes, sir, yes.. I know what he says. He says a lot of things. Now, what does the mask do, sir?”
“It keeps out the virus!”
“Well, maybe… a little tiny bit. But one thing you have to admit, sir, is that it traps in my exhaled breath, right? When we wear masks, that stuff we’re exhaling is trapped to an extent, sir. Not completely, but to an extent. So the longer we wear the mask, the more the air we’re inhaling includes leftovers of our last exhale, right, sir?”
“Umm… okay?”
“So, instead of breathing in a nice 80/20 mix of nitrogen and oxygen, and exhaling a mix of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, we’re breathing in a mix that includes the carbon dioxide we just exhaled. The longer we wear a mask, the more carbon dioxide we’re inhaling, right, sir?”
“Well, uhh, I don’t know…”
“You just told me in one breath, sir, that carbon dioxide is destroying the planet and we have to reduce it as much as possible because it’s so unbelievably dangerous, and then in the next breath, you tell me to trap as much of my carbon dioxide as possible so that I keep breathing and re-breathing it all day long, for months and months and maybe even years. Right, sir?”
“Well, uhh, look, I don’t umm….”
“See, it doesn’t make sense, sir. To leave it up to the politicians, one issue’s alleged solution is the cause of the other issue’s disaster, if we believe all this stuff. So I think the sensible thing to do is just not listen to any of it. Like my dad says, ‘There’s never been a situation peaceful enough that the government can’t mess it up,’ sir.”
“Wait a second! These are important issues!”
“Sure, sir.”
“Climate change is real!”
“Well, sure it is, sir. This is the earth. The climate changes every day. It’s not a static planet. It’s like my dad says, ‘if you don’t want a changing climate, move to Mars.'”
“Come on, man!”
“Really, sir, you should eat your soup while it’s hot. It’s delicious, sir. Don’t let this go to waste. It’s a really good one. When we’re done down here, sir, I’m hoping to see if I can get another cup from the kitchen before I leave! Not being Italian, I never got this kind of thing growing up, and it’s neat, sir!”
“Look, kid, stop changing the subject. We’ve got important things to do here and you’re trying to throw me off my game!”
“Sir, as you say, sir, I’m just the kid who serves you your soup, how could I possibly be a disruption, sir?”
“You’re distracting me when I should be working!”
“So go ahead and work, sir. What’s that on your desk there, sir, where your keyboard usually is, sir?”
“Huh? What, this?”
“Yes sir. The thing you were working on when I arrived with your soup, sir. What’s that?”
“It’s, umm, oh, you know, the thing… a uhhhh, oh, what’s it called… a game controller. Yeah. Why?”
“Just checking, sir.”
“What about it?”
“How are you doing, sir? Are you getting any better, sir?”
“No, dammit, still choking after about five minutes in. Every time.”
“How have your meetings been going this week, sir?”
“Lousy. Nothing’s going right, dammit.”
“Odd, isn’t it, how pretty much everything was going right six months ago. Peace in the middle east, a controlled border, the vaccines were developed in record speed… my dad said it was the fastest a major pharmaceutical product had ever been developed, thanks to Operation Warp Speed. Things sure were going great. What happened, sir?”
“That’s what I keep asking! Every day, in every meeting! I ask everybody what the hell is going on, why the hell everything’s going to hell. Nobody has an answer!”
“I see, sir.”
“I feel like I’m writing EOs practically every day… I’m sending money to everybody I can think of to buy them off, but things just keep getting worse, dammit!”
“Yes sir.”
“We have to double down! We have to do more!”
“Umm, sir, if everything was working well six months ago, maybe the solution is to return to the way things were six months ago. Have you thought of that, sir?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, sir, you know…. There were all those peace treaties in the middle east six months ago, for example. Pretty much the rest of the middle east had united on Israel’s side, in opposing the terrorist regimes of Iran, Lebanon and Gaza, right, sir?”
“What about it?”
“Well, sir, what changed since then, sir?”
“It’s all falling apart! There’s trouble again!”
“Well, sir, might it have anything to do with the fact that we’ve suddenly started funding the terrorists, sir?”
“Come on, man!”
“Well, sir, what else can you call giving money to Iran and Hamas, sir?”
“That’s not funding terrorists!”
“No? Well, what is it, then, sir?”
“That’s humanitarian money!”
“Is it, sir.”
“Yeah! Damn right, you dog faced lying pony soldier… We’re giving them money for food and medicine!”
“Umm, sir, Let’s say you were thinking about doing two things, sir. You were thinking about buying dinner at the restaurant across the street, and you were thinking about going next door to the hardware store to buy a bat to use to beat up the neighbor’s pet with.”
“I wouldn’t do that!”
“Oh, of course not, sir! Not you personally, sir! This is just an analogy, sir. An example. We’re thinking of any random person here, sir. Just for the sake of an analogy, sir.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Well, sir, let’s say I hand you twenty bucks and say ‘here, buy dinner’… and then you go outside. Now, maybe you’ll buy dinner, and maybe you’ll buy that bat and beat up that poor dog.”
“I wouldn’t do that!”
“I know sir. I’m not saying you personally, sir, just a random person, remember, sir?”
“Oh, yeah. Right.”
“See, once I gave you that twenty, sir, I couldn’t really control what you did with it, sir. Maybe you’d spend it on the restaurant, but maybe you’d spend it on the weapon, sir. Once I gave it to you, I had enabled you to do what you were going to do, sir. And now, I’m an accessory, sir. I’m partially responsible, because I paid for it. Even if I stupidly thought you were going to spend the twenty on dinner, I should’ve known what was going to happen, because I know your nature, sir. If I know that whenever you have money, you spend it on weapons to beat up innocent pets, sir, then by giving you money, I’m enabling that action, sir. I can’t talk my way out of the truth, sir; I share responsibility for the animal abuse, sir, because I made it possible.”
“But I wouldn’t DO that!”
“I know, sir. Of course you wouldn’t. It’s just an analogy, sir.”
“Oh.”
“In my philosophy class, sir, we talk about analogies a lot. It helps me work things out in my head, sir.”
“Oh.”
“It’s like an addiction, sir. Once you know somebody’s addicted to drugs, if you give him enough money to buy drugs, he’s going to buy drugs, even if you tell him to spend it on a new suit for a job interview. He’ll buy the drugs because it’s what he does, it’s what he likes. Addictions are like that, sir.”
“You’re telling me.”
“It’s like my dad says, ‘if government can’t be completely certain that money will be used wisely, government shouldn’t write the check.’ He’s saying that some bad things will always happen, but at least it won’t be the government’s fault, sir.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Well, just thinking things through, sir, and thinking about what’s changed over the past few months, sir.”
“So am I! We have to do something to stop what’s going on in the middle east!”
“Well, sir, if it was peaceful a few months ago, and it’s not peaceful now, it shouldn’t be all that hard to figure out what you’ve changed, sir, and change it back.”
“Huh? Change what back?”
“Why not everything, sir? It couldn’t hurt.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know, sir. Enjoy your soup, sir. Good stuff, isn’t it?”
“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.. Good soup.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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