Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, attempts to discuss the Washington murmerings about Joe’s latest peculiar encounter with a very young girl…
Girls, Budgets, and Pot o’ Gold Potato Soup
Dateline May 28. Begin Transcript:
“Top of the evening, sir! How did your week end up, sir?”
“Oh, no, you again?”
“Well, sir, that’s a nice welcome. Can’t wait to tell my parents how my boss greeted me when I arrived at work tonight. They’ll be shoving vocational school applications in my face like a Broadway star gets movie offers…”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, kid.”
“So why should tonight be any different, sir?”
“What?”
“And my name’s Rhett, sir. Not Kid.”
“Oh. yeah.”
“Well, anyway, back to business… it’s Friday evening, the end of a long week, and we have Pot ‘o Gold Potato Soup tonight, sir. Sound neat, sir?”
“No, it doesn’t sound ‘neat.’ It sounds dumb.”
“Well, sir, I didn’t name it. The Cook found it on one of those fancy cooking websites of hers and she said it came highly recommended, sir.”
“What’s it called again?”
“Pot o’ Gold Potato Soup, sir. Potato, celery, onion, cheese…”
“It’s a cheese soup?”
“Yes sir.”
“She doesn’t usually make cheese soups.”
“Perhaps the name caught her eye, sir.”
“Guess so. Mmm… not bad though… not bad…”
“So how’s your staff doing, sir? Everybody in Washington is talking about the same thing today, sir.”
“Hey, come on, man! It was a misunderstanding!”
“What was, sir?”
“Well, when I said that little girl looked like she was 19 years old. I meant it as a compliment!”
“Of course you did, sir.”
“I mean, I just thought she looked older, you know, the way she was sitting, that’s all.”
“One is tempted to ask why you were looking at the way a little girl was sitting in the first place, sir.”
“Look, here’s the deal. I was just mentioning the people on the stage, and I had to say something to add color, to make it personal, you know…”
“Well, you sure did make it personal, sir.”
“I mean, she had her hair in these cute little barrettes…”
“Little girls usually do, sir.”
“And the barrettes just caught my eye, you know…”
“Why were you looking at her barrettes, sir?”
“Well, I just noticed her hair, you know, and…”
“And that shouldn’t raise any eyebrows, sir, should it?”
“Well, no… I just wanted to compliment her…”
“By saying she looked 19, sir?”
“Well, yeah, little girls always want to look older, you know…”
“If you say so, sir.”
“Well, she really did look 19, see…”
“You might want to switch optometrists, sir…”
“No, I mean, she was sitting like she was 19. Her legs were crossed, and…”
“And why were you looking at her legs, sir?”
“Well, when I noticed her hair, I remembered that I shouldn’t mention hair because the press doesn’t like it when I notice girls’ hair, see…”
“So you figured that looking at her legs would be a better choice, sir?”
“Well, yeah… no… I mean… NO… they’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is.”
“Are they, sir.”
“Look, when you’re standing on a stage, you always want to put in a little patter about the other people on stage… it’s just what you do. It’s what politicians do. It’s… it’s how it’s done.”
“And yet, oddly enough, sir, you’re the only politician who ever gets in trouble for going down this particular path, sir.”
“Yeah, and I don’t understand why that is!”
“Well, maybe… and I’m just guessing here, sir… maybe it’s because you are the only politician who does go down this particular path, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, maybe in the future, you might want to make a comment about somebody else on the stage, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you know, instead of commenting on the little girls, sir, you could comment on the other politicians on the stage, sir. You could have restricted your little color commentary to Governor Northam, for example, sir.”
“Well, I sure don’t want to talk about Governor Northam’s legs!”
“And I’m sure that will be a welcome relief to the audience as well, sir.”
“But I mean, what kind of color commentary can I make about Governor Northam?”
“Well, sir, I suppose you could comment on his blackface, sir.”
“But he wasn’t wearing blackface!”
“You’re right, sir, that knocks out the color commentary. Maybe you could just fill the gap with some white noise, sir…”
“It’s just that, it’s standard for politicians to talk about the non politicians on the dais. To compliment the kids, or the wives, or the volunteers, you know. The politicians always get all the attention, and we all think it’s nice when we can give the others some attention, you know?”
“Depends, sir. Some attention is welcome, some isn’t, sir.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You never did, sir. Speaking of which, I was going to ask you about the budget, sir.”
“The budget?”
“Yes sir, you announced your budget today, sir.”
“I did?”
“Yes sir, at least, that’s what was reported, sir.”
“Oh, well, I haven’t read it yet.”
“It’s six trillion dollars, sir.”
“Oh.”
“That’s in addition to all the stimulus packages and other spending you’ve been asking for these last few months, sir, right?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t, sir?”
“Haven’t read it yet. You sure it’s out?”
“You announced it today, sir.”
“Six million dollars, huh?”
“Trillion, sir. Six trillion, sir.”
“Wow, even more than Steve Austin.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Steve Austin. The Six Million Dollar Man.”
“Umm, this is a six trillion dollar budget, sir. That’s a million times six million, sir.”
“How do you do that math in your head, kid. I’ll never figure it out.”
“Rhett, sir.”
“Red? What’s red?”
“The river of ink, sir. But i was talking about my name, sir. Rhett. I’m Rhett, sir, remember?”
“Oh, uh, yeah. You know, this was good soup.”
“Glad to hear it, sir.”
“What was it called, again?”
“Pot ‘o Gold Potato Soup, sir. Would you like some more?”
“Sure, another bowl. Can never have enough.”
“That’s for sure, sir. The way you spend, there could never be enough pots of gold to cover the bills, sir.”
“You’re mumbling again. Don’t forget my crackers! I need lots of crackers.”
“Yes sir. Your crackers, sir. Don’t worry, the cook will never forget you’re crackers, sir. None of us will.”
“Good, good. That’ll do then…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Substack: American Free News Network Substack
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA