Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop is on a diplomatic mission in Europe for a few days of meetings. His regular soup aide is still back home, and the English fellow delivering his soup comes at the discussion from a very different perspective…
Taxes, Governments, and Cornish Kettle Soup
Dateline June 13. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, guv’ner! How would you like some soup, sir?”
“Oh, good…. ummm… what was your name again?”
“Haugen Birchwood, sir, at your service!”
“Oh, right. There was someone else last night…”
“Yes sir. Well, you know, we can’t work every day, sir. EU regulations… I mean, no, sir, United Kingdom regulations, now, sir. Even if we want to. Not allowed, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So I couldn’t help out last night, guv’ner, but I’m free today. Good to see you again, sir.”
“Someone else last night. Very serious. He was interesting. I didn’t understand what he was talking about, but it was interesting.”
“Oh, yes, sir, that would’ve been Croaker, sir. Good man. So are you ready for tonight’s soup, sir?”
“Sure.”
“Tonight we have Cornish Kettle Soup, sir. Local specialty, sir, hundreds of years old. Delicious!”
“What is it?”
“Bacon, onion and bread soup, in beef broth, guv’ner. A bit similar to a French Onion or those kinds of Iberian soups, I do believe, sir. But our specialty, so it’s probably not a variety you’ll get back home, sir. Hope you like it, guv’ner!”
“Mmm. Good. What’s it called again?”
“Cornish Kettle Soup, sir.”
“Mmm… Good. That’s nice. Could you repeat that name again? I’m kind of tired.”
“Any chance you’ll remember it this time, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, in that case, it’s 24-carat gold plutonium soup, sir.”
“Mmm… Good. I hope they make it again.”
“Me too, sir. So how did your G-7 meetings go, guv’ner?”
“Huh? Mmm…. Okay, they went well. Got a lot done.”
“Glad to hear it, sir! We sure have a lot of shared problems these days; we were all hoping that you gentlemen could come to some good agreements to make headway, sir!”
“Oh yes, well, we did fine. Got a framework for some serious steps forward. Mmm… This is really good soup. Bacon and onion. We don’t have anything like it back home.”
“Yes sir, I am glad to hear it, sir. I don’t really know much about politics, guv’ner; it’s not an area I know anything about. But even if we don’t know the solutions, we all know the problems, so it’ll be good to see some progress after your big summit, sir!”
“Well, we do what we can. Of course, we can’t promise a magical fix, you know, but we’ve taken some positive steps in the right direction.”
“Oh, that’s a relief, sir. We’re all struggling to find work since so many employers went out of business during the pandemic, sir, and seeing some curtailing of this crippling immigration will certainly help with that. All over Britain and Europe, and I know from my friends and relatives Across the Pond as well, sir, we’re all suffering from that same problem, sir. How fast do you think you folks will be able to start shutting down all this unsustainable immigration, guv’ner?”
“What? Oh, no, well, we didn’t talk about that, really…”
“You didn’t, sir?”
“Well, no, immigration wasn’t really a shared agenda item, that way, young man.”
“Oh. Well. Umm.. How about taxes, guv’ner? I heard you folks were going to talk about taxes, and how everyone’s been suffering so much trying to come back after a year and a half of pandemic shutdowns, employers need tax cuts to be able to get back to full staffs, and to enable entrepreneurs to start new businesses, and such, sir. Were you folks able to come up with an agreed reduction in taxes, guv’ner? Maybe a ceiling, sir?”
“Huh? Oh, well, yes, we did talk about taxes. Talked a lot about taxes. There’s a lot to do with taxes.”
“Yes indeed, sir. Businesses have been struggling, guv’ner.”
“Well, I don’t know about that, but you know who else has been struggling?”
“Ummm, who, sir?”
“Governments.”
“Governments, sir?”
“Sure! Governments! Did you ever realize how many governments there are?”
“Well, umm, a lot, I suppose, guv’ner…”
“There sure are! Two hundred countries in the world, plus most of them are split into regions or states or provinces…”
“Yes, sir, but…”
“And then most of those regions and states and provinces are split into counties or parishes or subdivisions or townships…”
“Well, yes, sir, but…”
“And then they’re split further into towns and cities and villages. Did you know that?”
“Well, yes, sir, sure, everyone knows that, sir…”
“Really? I didn’t. I mean, I guess I knew we have some of those distinctions in the US, but I didn’t know other countries had all those jurisdictions too!”
“Well, yes, sir, and that’s the problem, sir; each one of those levels levies taxes, sir. And the total can be crippling, guv’ner.”
“All those levels of government employ tons of people, young man… uhh, what’s your name again?”
“Haugen, sir. Haugen Birchwood.”
“Oh yes. Well, Augie, all those levels need to employ their staffs, and it’s expensive! Personnel alone! Salaries and benefits and pensions… And then you have to keep on paying them after they retire, so not only are you funding pensions for your current employees, you’re also funding pensions for your former employees who don’t even work for you anymore. Did you know that?”
“Well, begging your pardon, guv’ner, but… yes, of course, sir… we all know that. Although, if the government does its job right, their pension is fully funded while the employee is working, so that the government doesn’t have to pay anymore after the employee retires, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, see, that’s how pensions work, sir, or at least, that’s how they’re designed, sir. You invest carefully, aggressively and with serious diversification, all through the employee’s career, sir. Then when he retires, that fully funded pension can pay out on his behalf while the funds continue to grow. I mean, every country does it differently, of course, sir… Some countries, like in southern Europe, have had more challenges than others, guv’ner.”
“States too! A lot of our states are way short in their pensions. Just can’t take in enough. That’s why we came to the conclusions we needed to this week. So glad the G-7 agreed on this!”
“Oh, good, sir! How did you all agree to deal with that problem?”
“By raising taxes!”
“WHAT??? I mean… I’m sorry, guv’ner… but what did you say, sir?”
“We hammered out an agreement. We’re going to set out a nice minimum tax – a global minimum tax so that all businesses have to pay at least 15% corporate income tax! That’ll do it! That’ll help make sure the governments can afford to pay their bills!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but… did I hear you right, guv’ner?”
“What about?”
“Are you saying you set a floor for taxes, when what we need is a ceiling, sir?”
“Well, I can’t say what you need, but yes, we set a floor! It was a great accomplishment! We have governments who can’t pay their bills!”
“Sir, begging your pardon, sir, but we have real people, individuals, companies, small businesses, shopkeepers and other small proprietors, sir, who can’t pay their bills! We were all hoping that the G-7 would do something for them, guv’ner!”
“Well, it’s all about priorities, you know. We had to deal with the important problems first. We can tackle the less important problems like that next time. We’ll meet again, you know.”
“Umm… I see, sir. Well, this is, umm, interesting, sir.”
“Oh, I think so too! I’m always learning something at these meetings. Every day, it’s like I’m hearing everything for the first time!
“Yes sir. I had heard that, but, I really wasn’t prepared for it until I experienced it in person, sir.”
“About global affairs?”
“Pardon? Oh, sure, right, guv’ner. About global affairs. Sure.”
“And not just that. The history you pick up on a trip like this is fascinating. Like last night, that fella with the soup…”
“Croaker Norge, guv’ner?”
“Right. He told me all about this old fort. What was it called… oh yes, the White Tower. I’d never heard of it, but it have been from a long time ago.”
“Well, yes, sir, it is, sir, it’s 900 years old, sir. But I’m sure you’d heard of it, sir…”
“Yup, called the White Tower. Just imagine naming a tower after whites in this day and age. Wouldn’t happen! See how far we’ve come?”
“I beg your pardon, guv’ner?”
“Yup. Some guy named Norman. Took over the place and built this tower just for whites. Guess your ancestors weren’t particularly woke back then, huh?”
“Umm, sir, I think you have a couple of points somewhat mixed up, sir…”
“And that’s been typical of my whole trip. Every day I learn something new. About where we’ve been, and how far we’ve come, and how much further we still have to go, you know?”
“Well, yes, sir, of course, but some of the details, I’m not sure, guv’ner, that you heard some of these things quite right, sir. I’ve known Croaker for years, and I just know he wouldn’t have mixed up those details; I mean, that period is his passion, sir…”
“Passion, that’s it, that’s the word! All through this week, I’ve seen the passion that my fellow world leaders have for leading their countries into the future, and for taking care of their government employees… making sure they have the revenue to ensure that no government functionary ever misses another paycheck… That’s devotion, young man. That’s dedication… that’s… umm… what was that word you used?”
“Passion, sir?”
“Passion. That’s it. That’s what I saw in their eyes all week. Passion.”
“Well, if that don’t just beat all, guv’ner.”
“This is good soup, by the way. Any chance I could have some more?”
“More, sir? You want more?”
“Oh, I always want more. At home or abroad, that’s one thing that seems to be a constant. I always want more.”
“Why am I not surprised…. Sure, guv’ner, I’ll go get you another bowl, sir.”
“And crackers! Don’t forget my crackers!”
“It’s a bread soup, guv’ner, you really don’t exactly need biscuits too, sir…”
“Crackers! I want my crackers! Don’t forget my crackers!”
“Oh, don’t worry, guv’ner, after this past week, nobody in England will ever forget you’re crackers, sir.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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