Last in the Pack; The Dogs Who Run My Household
Dogs know stuff. Yes, I know they’re just animals. I know their brains are only about the size of tangerines. But I’m telling you.
Sean Dietrich
Thin Mints and Thick Waists
The Girl Scouts were setting up a folding table by the doors of the hardware store.
“Omigod,” I said to the cashier. “It’s March.”
The cashier looked at me flatly.
“Debit or credit?” she said.
“This is March,” I pointed out again. “Don’t you know what this means?“
The Tough Girl
A little girl. I see her in hotel lobby. She is maybe 10 years old. She has her luggage with her. Her gait is severely uneven and labored. She is having a difficult time traversing the lobby.
No Religion On the Trail… Thank God
The Camino is out there. Still existing. On the other side of the world. I wake up each morning, stumble into my kitchen to make coffee, and I think about how right now, it’s still there.
The Gospel According to Charlie
God love him, the plumber did not look happy. Namely, because our house is 100 years old. Meaning, five generations of people have been bathing in this house. The drain pipes have been whisking away one century’s worth of funk water.
The Soloist
I was eleven. I was invited to try out for the Christmas community choir. A lady visited our church to conduct the auditions.
I had been practicing for three weeks, learning the lyrics to “O Little Town of Bethlehem.”
Stop Trying to Be Enough; You Already Are
What if I told you that you are enough? Moreover, what if you woke up this morning and, for the first time ever, you actually felt like enough. What if you loved yourself? And I mean really loved yourself. Do you love yourself? Let’s find out.
Signed, Sealed, Deleted; A Eulogy for the Handwritten Letter
Don’t shoot the messenger. But in America, one third of children have never handwritten a letter. And it’s not just kids. Nearly 40 percent of adult Americans haven’t written a letter in the last five years
The Birds of the Air
Dear Tara, I heard that your cancer has spread. They tell me you’ll need to undergo some invasive surgeries, not least of which is a mastectomy. They tell me you’re frightened.
Letters From Kids
I get a lot of letters from kids. Such as the letter that came yesterday, via snail mail. It was penned in a childish hand.
The Princess and the Dollar General
Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a great big old castle. She was very beautiful, with long, flowy hair, and her teeth were really nice, too. Nice and straight.
A Grand Ole Night
I’m backstage at the Grand Ole Opry, in my dressing room. Tuning my guitar. They tell me Dolly Parton used this dressing room once. What sacred visions this mirror must have seen. My cups runneth over.
State of the Airplane Address
It has been said, if you’re a bad person in this lifetime; if you treat your fellow man poorly; if you live by the code of violence; if you are cruel to elders and children and UPS men; when you die you will wake up in economy class, riding in the middle seat.
Last Night at the Ryman Auditorium
It is the Gatlin Brothers 70th anniversary concert, and every Nashville A-list celebrity you can think of is here. I am supposed to do a song with everyone at the end. Larry Gatlin told me to bring my banjo. But I’m experiencing a bad case of “tiny banjo syndrome” right now. I don’t belong here. I don’t know how to act around famous people.
Questions From Readers
I receive a lot of mail in the form of emails, letters, private messages, texts, Morse code, etc. It is impossible to answer all these messages, so I compiled some commonly asked questions
Mother Mary and the Jaybird
Years ago, I was sitting with my Methodist mother-in-law in the living room. We were replaying old memories like worn out records only weeks before she would pass. Hospice was already in the house.
The Invisible Man
There I am, watching him. He sits on the steps of the Shell Station. A backpack beside him. His skin is rawhide. His beard is white.
Autocorrect Is Ruining Our Olives
I’d say the biggest problem facing this country is typos. Typos are cropping up everywhere. In advertisements, in emails, and even within the very words your reading now. The main reason for this is your phone, which thinks it’s smarter than you.
The Last Marquee: Is America is Losing its Soul?
Approximately 5,000 US movie theaters have closed in the last five years. Which is about 1,000 theater closures per year. More theaters are predicted to close. People just aren’t going to the movies anymore.
The Good News They Don’t Tell You About
Currently, polar bears are fatter than they have been in the last 30 years. In a recent study, 770 polar bears were in better condition and had higher fat reserves than in the 1990s. In other good news, I also have higher fat reserves than I did in the ‘90s.