Dear Flipper—I Mean, Sean
“I am 10 years old. My name is Peyton. I am a girl. People think Peyton is a boy name. But it can be both. What is your favorite animal? Mine is a dolphin.
Sean Dietrich
Two Brothers
Friends of the family say the boys couldn’t sit still without vibrating. They were always getting into something. To call them “bad” kids would be unfair. They weren’t bad. Not at all. They were simply professional hellraisers.
I Believe in Dog
My dogs sleep all day. It’s just what they do. Except when they’re busy chewing up my 48th pair of reading glasses. They sleep, sleep, sleep. And amazingly, after a full day of sleeping, they don’t feel guilty about it. Not even a little.
iRobot
I was in the airport when an AI robot custodian was roving around, sweeping the floor and accepting various bits of trash from nearby passengers. The robot came close to me. We just locked eyes.
Questions from the Choir
I receive a lot of questions every day. I wish I could answer them all. But if I actually tried to answer every message, email, letter, smoke signal, etc., I’d need a permanent ureteral catheter installed.
Dear Loved One
This is weird. I realize this. But I wanted to write to you, dear loved one. Namely, because I’ve been dead for some time now. And the way I left this world happened so fast. So unexpected.
A Deathbed Conversion
The 18-year-old girl was in the hospital room. Her bed sat amidst a forest of hissing machines and blinking lights. The young preacher knew he’d found the right room. He straightened his tie. This was the hardest part of his job.
Young Jimmy
The 14-year-old boy cried as he knelt beside his bedside, clasping his hands together. He sobbed, imploring the heavens for a miracle.
A Letter to my Dad
Hey, Daddy. Just checking in. How’s the customer service up in Heaven? I heard they have a great buffet. The cruise director happens to be an old friend.
The Tomato Elegy
Tomatoes are my favorite “non-vegetable” vegetable. I was recently informed by a smart person that tomatoes are—technically—a “fruit” because they are the ripened “ovary” of a flowering plant. But that’s just weird.
The Night the Lights Went out in Alabama
The electricity went out. I don’t know why it happened. It wasn’t storming. The weather was nice. All I know is I was watching TV when the lamps suddenly flickered and died. And that was that.
The Argument I Had in the Supermarket
I got into an argument at the supermarket. This is how volatile our world is right now. It was in the checkout line. My opponent was not only clueless, but pigheaded, refusing all logic. The fact that my opponent is only 9 is no excuse.
Dear [Bad Word] Sean
Sean receives lots of reader commentary. Often he responds to them in his uniquely pithy, yet humorous way.
A Simple Exercise
Simply close your eyes and think of your favorite thing in the whole world besides queso dip. Okay. Got it? Now you’re going to have to open your eyes again because these paragraphs aren’t going to read themselves.
Dothan Opera House
The Dothan Opera House is an old building, constructed during World War I. Everyone has performed here. Willie Nelson, the Statler Brothers, Conway Twitty, Bob Dylan.
The Art of Porch Sitting
I come from a long line of porch sitters. This is why I am always on my porch. In my neighborhood, I am affectionately known as “that weirdo freak who’s always on his porch.” This is usually said in a positive way.
Vacation Bible Kids
“Dear Sean,” the email began. “I teach vacation Bible school… Last year we had three Latino children whose parents are undocumented immigrants… “Church leadership felt it best not to allow these children to attend VBS this year. It broke my heart, the kids don’t understand, I’m really struggling with this decision. What should I do?” …
The Book on My Coffee Table
Whenever I am feeling sad and blue, I visit my living room coffee table. There, I consult a book that sits on my coffee table. I open this book and almost always feel better.
The Art You Find in a Waffle House
Waffle House. My waitress has a bunch of tattoos. The women customers in the booth behind mine are talking about it in voices loud enough to alter the migratory patterns of waterfowl.
So You Want to Be a Writer?
Frankly I don’t know anything about the business of writing. And I’ll let you in on a secret, neither do the publishers, editors, marketing teams, or prof reeders. This is why the publishing industry has perhaps the highest turnover rate among employees except for, perhaps, the mafia.