Sean Dietrich
My New “Dumbphone”
My phone finally arrives in the mail. It’s small. Ugly. It’s “dumb.” And it looks like it was invented during the Herbert Hoover administration.
Heaven Can Wait
Bryan was walking the Arkansas highway shoulder with only the moon to guide him. Backpack slung over his shoulder. Blisteringly cold.
One Night in Lancaster, PA
Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The windchill is negative four and I can no longer feel my unmentionables. I’m about to play my fiddle and tell funny stories to a room of people at the community center.
Lessons From a Goldfish
I have no children. The closest I ever came to having a child was when my wife got me a goldfish for Christmas. His name was Gary.
The Fine Art of Flying
It’s a mess, that’s what it is. When you land in Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta Third World International Airport, you’re walking into a battle zone.
The William Penn Overture
I like Pennsylvania. They’re nice here. They say “yous” and “yinz” and “soda pop.” They have Appalachian manners, a steelman’s work ethic, and potholes big enough to swallow Peterbilts.
How to be a Real Columnist
Here is how the typical morning of a columnist goes. You sit down at the computer. And before you write, you begin by asking yourself the age-old question, “Why should anyone care what I have to say?”
Shaking Your Butt
How did I get here? What career path led me to this moment? Why am I onstage, before several hundred, shaking my fundaments?
Of Life and Heinz Ketchup
I miss glass bottles. I come from a generation of glass. And therein lies a fundamental difference between my generation and the current one.
El Camino de Santiago and Me
The math teacher and I went for a five-hour walk through town while wearing huge backpacks and yet we are not Marines. We are just middle-aged married people.
Smart Phone, Dumb Author
I bought a flip phone. One without a camera or a touchscreen. Without AI, facial recognition, video chatting, GPS, or the ability to flush my toilet from the other room. It’s a “stupid” phone. A device with the same level of intelligence as a member of Congress.
The Good Ole Days
The news is in. Less than one third of Americans have ever written a physical letter in their lifetime.
Me Braiding Hair
I shouldn’t be braiding hair. But there I was. Giving it my best shot. We were in a hotel lobby. The 19-year-old sat with her back facing me. Her violent red hair in my hands.
A Day at the Aquarium
You never know how truly short life is until a 19-year-old girl, who is preceptive and sweet, and of exceptional intellect, a girl who made the university president’s list, stares at you sincerely, with warmth in her eyes, and with all her heart, calls you an “old person.”
The Morning Assault
Wake up. Start coffeemaker. Turn on TV. A panicky news journalist is saying America is doomed and only minutes away from exploding. And if not America, at least my house. Turn off TV.
The Dirty Word
Suicide is a dirty word. Try using it in mixed company. Try using “suicide” at a dinner party. You wouldn’t. Because suicide is not something people talk about.
A Few Things I Love About America
Americans are arguing right now. And believe me, I get it. There is a lot going on. Everyone has differences of opinion.
But I wondered if we Americans couldn’t put aside our disagreements for a moment, and agree on a few things we love.
Questions, Remarks, and You-Sucks
Sean Dietrich pithily responds to reader mail in a manner that only he can.
Three Dog Night
In light of the critical world events taking place in the news, I know many of you are anxious to know more about my dogs.