The Dog in Silk Pajamas

I am in the hotel elevator with a guy and his dog. The dog is wearing pajamas. They are white pajamas with polka dots.

“Say hello to Kevin,” says the man with the dog.

Kevin wags his tail, looking at me. Waiting for my salutation.

The Raccoon Relief Act

With everything going on in the world, with all the wars, international conflicts, and high-stakes political maneuvers, I’m sure you’re all anxious to hear about what’s going on with the problem of legalized raccoon ownership in Tennessee.

I Think, Therefore I Algorithm

I woke up, staggered from my bedroom, and made coffee. I pulled out my phone, and commenced to scroll social media.

On my screen, a young woman, in pajamas, dancing in her kitchen. She was maybe mid twenties, with a pierced nose, and extremely hairy armpits.

Where the Redhead Grows

Sometimes, as a writer you will find yourself as a guest on TV shows promoting stuff. You’ll be seated on a television set that is an exact duplication of a family room. Except, of course, this family room has nuclear studio lights that cause third-degree sunburns.

Dear Sean

“Dear Sean,” the notecard began. The handwriting was very neat. “My name is John. I’m 14 years old… And I know your really busy but my dad committed suicide like yours. Maybe you can tell me what to do or be my friend. Love, John.”

What Holds Back the Ocean

As a kid, I remember going to the beach. I remember walking the shore, wearing my little swimsuit. I remember the glorious and inimitable joy of having sand in my crack. My biggest objective, of course, was finding seashells. All children care deeply about shells. This is the main reason you visit the beach as a kid. It’s about looking for shells.

Thin Mints and Thick Waists

The Girl Scouts were setting up a folding table by the doors of the hardware store.

“Omigod,” I said to the cashier. “It’s March.”

The cashier looked at me flatly.

“Debit or credit?” she said.

“This is March,” I pointed out again. “Don’t you know what this means?“