Lucky Duck
Once upon a time, there was a duck named Lucky. He was small and white with a bright yellow bill, and he was born missing one leg. Lucky was unable to walk on land, but he could swim.
Sean Dietrich
Buen Camino
If my brain were a school bus, all the nerdy thoughts would be sitting up front. These are the responsible, grown-up thoughts, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and neckties, performing important tasks on calculators, computing existentially vital equations such as, “Do BLTs actually need the L?”
A Day at the National Mall
Washington D.C. It was the height of summer. Early July. I was in town for a book event, to make a speech. I had time to kill, so I went to the National Mall. The National Mall is “America’s Front Yard.” There are thousands of tourists, and even more screaming babies.
What I Pray
Peace. I pray for peace.
Not national peace. Not global peace. Those concepts would be nice, but they are too big for my head to comprehend. No human has ever seen world peace. I don’t even know what it would look like.
All the Pretty Angels
When I was a kid, my mother believed in angels, but I didn’t. I was on the fence about angels. I didn’t believe in hocus pocus. My thought was, if angels were real, then why were they always the worst team in the Major Leagues?
Dear Flipper—I Mean, Sean
“I am 10 years old. My name is Peyton. I am a girl. People think Peyton is a boy name. But it can be both. What is your favorite animal? Mine is a dolphin.
Two Brothers
Friends of the family say the boys couldn’t sit still without vibrating. They were always getting into something. To call them “bad” kids would be unfair. They weren’t bad. Not at all. They were simply professional hellraisers.
I Believe in Dog
My dogs sleep all day. It’s just what they do. Except when they’re busy chewing up my 48th pair of reading glasses. They sleep, sleep, sleep. And amazingly, after a full day of sleeping, they don’t feel guilty about it. Not even a little.
iRobot
I was in the airport when an AI robot custodian was roving around, sweeping the floor and accepting various bits of trash from nearby passengers. The robot came close to me. We just locked eyes.
Questions from the Choir
I receive a lot of questions every day. I wish I could answer them all. But if I actually tried to answer every message, email, letter, smoke signal, etc., I’d need a permanent ureteral catheter installed.
Dear Loved One
This is weird. I realize this. But I wanted to write to you, dear loved one. Namely, because I’ve been dead for some time now. And the way I left this world happened so fast. So unexpected.
A Deathbed Conversion
The 18-year-old girl was in the hospital room. Her bed sat amidst a forest of hissing machines and blinking lights. The young preacher knew he’d found the right room. He straightened his tie. This was the hardest part of his job.
Young Jimmy
The 14-year-old boy cried as he knelt beside his bedside, clasping his hands together. He sobbed, imploring the heavens for a miracle.
A Letter to my Dad
Hey, Daddy. Just checking in. How’s the customer service up in Heaven? I heard they have a great buffet. The cruise director happens to be an old friend.
The Tomato Elegy
Tomatoes are my favorite “non-vegetable” vegetable. I was recently informed by a smart person that tomatoes are—technically—a “fruit” because they are the ripened “ovary” of a flowering plant. But that’s just weird.
The Night the Lights Went out in Alabama
The electricity went out. I don’t know why it happened. It wasn’t storming. The weather was nice. All I know is I was watching TV when the lamps suddenly flickered and died. And that was that.
The Argument I Had in the Supermarket
I got into an argument at the supermarket. This is how volatile our world is right now. It was in the checkout line. My opponent was not only clueless, but pigheaded, refusing all logic. The fact that my opponent is only 9 is no excuse.
Dear [Bad Word] Sean
Sean receives lots of reader commentary. Often he responds to them in his uniquely pithy, yet humorous way.
A Simple Exercise
Simply close your eyes and think of your favorite thing in the whole world besides queso dip. Okay. Got it? Now you’re going to have to open your eyes again because these paragraphs aren’t going to read themselves.
Dothan Opera House
The Dothan Opera House is an old building, constructed during World War I. Everyone has performed here. Willie Nelson, the Statler Brothers, Conway Twitty, Bob Dylan.